Concussion Recovery Part 3: Moving Forward

When I left off last, I was feeling like shit with a return of many symptoms, had resigned my coaching positions, and accepted a new job.  That was early August 17'.  In the months following improvement would be slow and frustrating not just for me but the family as a whole; especially Shawna.  The level of gratefulness I feel for her during that time can't be measured, especially given that Caden would receive a concussion during his football season that would not only end his season, but his high school football career.  The load she had to handle while dealing with her previously described medical issues had to have been damn near overwhelming.  But, I'll come back to that later because as I mentioned in my previous post, doing two things at once is absolutely not my strong suit.

Stress, I've found, is a key culprit.  The lower my stress, the better and longer I can work, study, read, and interact with people.  The higher my stress the more reclusive I become, the less I talk and interact, and the higher my requirement to find a way to "zone out".  What do I mean by zoning out?  It's simply an activity that allows my brain to initiate autopilot.  There are a few ways I've found to accomplish this.  Mowing and tractor work works great.  Physical exercise can help sometimes but not always.  I've recently found that playing some video games can provide relief so long as they're not that ones that require constant eye movement.  I tend to also re-watch the same TV programs.  NCIS and Burn Notice replay a lot because focus isn't required.  It annoys the hell out of the Misses but while there are many new fantastic new shows available, most are almost too good for me to enjoy.  They're so well done and in-depth that they require levels of focus and attention that cause mental fatigue.  Fortunate for the viewing public at large, not so much for me.

Unfortunately the way the previous summer worked out I've also been dealing with excess self-induced stress this winter because I fell so far behind.  I didn't even manage to get all my firewood cut and split so I've literally taken a day every week or two to get enough wood put in the basement to get us through until I can process more.  It's frustrating as shit on multiple levels, not the least of which is the fact that I'm a Mainer who was completely unprepared for winter.  If someone asked for my Maine card back, they'd be justified frankly and that hits the ole' pride right in the heart.

Working in a beautiful environment doesn't hurt.

While stress plays a big part in life, my new job has been great for my recovery in many ways.  I'm just the maintenance man at a horse stable but between the work, the animals, and my co-workers, the atmosphere and job type were just what I needed.  One of the areas I've seemed to have the most trouble with is learning new, complex ideas.  Trying to study my personal training manual so I can become certified has been a practice in frustration.  Memorization and trying to fully understand complex concepts is admittedly, at times, a struggle.  There are days, and they're adding up more and more, where I can study like I did in college and really retain new material but to try and do that at a job and then do it while chasing my own dreams at home would be and I've found is, quite an obstacle.  What my maintenance job requires is the type of work that I've either done previously or is close enough that I'm not having to learn completely new tasks .  It's also work that I enjoy doing for the most part.  When I'm at home I'm often out on the tractor working the land or renovating the house or homestead.  It can be physically demanding, frustrating, cold, hot, wet, and smelly but in general I can make it through the day without being both physically AND mentally wiped.  I can give an honest days work there, help my wife at home, and not always but generally, have a little brain left over.  I've found a job that actually helps aid in my recovery and I'm thankful for that.

Sleep and rest are two other essential requirements that were and are overlooked not just by me, but by our population as a whole.  However, when it comes to brain injury/recovery, it's essential.  Essential.. I'm not even sure that word is strong enough.  And I'm not talking for immediate post recovery, though it's key there too.  What I'm talking about is for life going forward.  There is a noticeable difference in how I feel, perform, and process when I'm consistently getting enough sleep and rest and when I'm not.  When I'm limiting my screen time, have good amounts of physical exercise, limiting stress, eating properly, and finding enough downtime to let my brain refresh and recharge and when I'm pushing too hard for too long.  I can get away with pushing myself to the ends of my current capabilities for a time, but eventually it catches up and when it does, everything becomes a struggle.  I get off the path I discussed in a recent post, I stop doing things I should be because they feel like additional work, my brain goes into a state of autopilot where I can get most of my daily tasks done but nothing extra, and I devolve into my cranky asshole-iest.  It's certainly not unnoticeable to myself or those around me when I hit this point and like dealing with weight, it's much easier to fall into the realm of unhealthy than it is to dig out of it.  Unfortunately, there's only one way to feel better in these instances and that's to slow down, put what's unnecessary on hold, rest, sleep, and spend some days consuming quality foods, and maintaining hydration.  Basically, get back to life at it most simplistic.  Sounds easy right?  Easy to prepare, harder in practice for whatever reason. 

In the first paragraph I mentioned what a rock Shawna has been through all this.  Between Caden and I this place can often feel like a mental madhouse.  Throw in the day's her health isn't so good and I can't even imagine what this place must look like to an outsider.  But through it all, communication has been immense and for the most part the three of us have been pretty decent at it.  Yes there have certainly been times when we've all struggled but that's not uncommon for A.) Marriage, or B.) a house where a teenager resides.  I'd venture a guess that there aren't many households in the area that are as knowledgeable and aware of concussion issues, recovery, and treatment as ours and we're constantly trying to use that to our advantage.  While I'd like to say it's not so, I also think that the past few years navigating a home containing a person with some physical limitations has also helped.  We'd already spent considerable time devising  systems and learning to overcome physical and mental roadblocks so when faced with new ones, it wasn't nearly as taxing as it might have been for a family new to such changes.

So that's part 3 of what I'd thought was going to be a 4 part series.  Coming soon with be a discussion regarding my treatment(s) thus far, some of what I've learned, and perhaps even some discussion regarding the future.  Then again, perhaps that'll be a part 5.  Like PCS recovery, at this point, it's anyone's guess how this will continue to develop.

Concussion Recovery Part 1                                   Concussion Recovery Part 2

Concussion Recovery Part 2: Stepping Back

The day after hitting publish on the first Concussion recovery post, I had a couple thoughts. First and foremost, the writing was shit and clearly a step back from where I'd been months before.  Secondly, I didn't fucking care because the point wasn't to write my masterpiece, it was simply to write something, almost anything, and hit publish.  Getting a win in this facet of life was important, perhaps vitally important if I were ever to continue.  When I initially expressed my thoughts regarding the (lack of) quality the misses thought I was preparing to delete and began protesting until I informed her otherwise.  Clearly she also recognized that while it wasn't my best work, simply publishing was where the value lied.  The third thought was that I'm going to have to revert back a bit in this discussion because I left out far too many details that are inherent to explaining what's happened.  Frankly, much of it was nothing more than a jumbled mess that seemed to leave more questions than answers.  I could, of course, delete and re-write the entire draft but to do so would remove what I believe to be an important step on this road to recovery and some clear evidence for readers fighting similar issues that they're not alone.  Recovering from TBI is a long, pain in the ass road that will be filled with victory and set-backs and we must acknowledge, learn from, and accept our failures as well as our successes on the road back.

When I left you last, I'd mentioned experiencing a relapse.  I'll discuss that shortly but first let me step back a bit farther and explain a few things.  First, I don't really remember the months immediately following the tree accident and the relapse is much more clear so it's easier for me to discuss.  Sometimes memories come back from that time frame but it seems to be the exception not the norm.  As an example:  My cousin was married post accident during the summer of 2016.  I actually attempted to drive us to the wedding (this was before Shawna was able to get her license back after getting her seizures under control) but only made it about a mile up the road before deciding I was not well enough to complete the trip.  A few months later, upon noticing their rings I asked them when they'd run off and gotten married.  That day was when I began to truly understand the severity of my trauma.

For grade school and collegiate athletes,
trainers are the first line in concussion
diagnosis and recovery.

This was not my first head trauma.  I'd gotten hurt a couple times as a young child and later would play football in both high school and college prior to the many recent advancements regarding concussions and protocols.  I had missing pieces of games and practices during those years.  Headaches, nausea, and who knows what other symptoms.  I also dealt with years of depression but I can't say for certain how much of a role head injuries played in that honestly.  If today's rules were available, I'd probably have been pulled from contact sports.  This is in NO WAY an effort to cast any sort of dispersion on coaches or training staff because honestly, they were operating under incomplete information in good faith.  Basically, they didn't know what they didn't know and it appears that certain highly visible organizations may have been hiding knowledge in an effort to protect brand and bottom line.  Unfortunate but certainly not surprising to anyone with a ounce of understanding regarding human behavior.  Thankfully today their lies and deceit have been uncovered and the next generation it proceeding forward with much more knowledge.  We all owe a debt of gratitude to those who pursued and to those who lost their lives in an effort to bring this information into the public domain.  If it hadn't been for their sacrifices who knows how many more lives would have been effected not because of actual trauma but because of undisclosed information.

But I digress.  My relapse happened sometime around the middle of June 2017.  Up until that point I'd been on what I'd thought was a decent road to recovery.  I'd begun a new position doing overnight security at a school for youth, was coaching as an assistant for the local high school baseball team, writing a blog post per week, attending to all Shawna and Caden's needs and appointments, knocking out home projects while hitting the gym consistently.  I was pretty happy with the way things were progressing.  And then I began to notice some issues.  In retrospect, while they seemed to come on all at once, that wasn't actually the case.  Even though the job was only two overnights per week, it fucked my sleep pattern for the other 5 as well.  On top of that, all the other endeavors I'd taken on now became hindrances to rest and my symptoms intensified quickly ; the biggest being anxiety, specifically the inability to calm down in a timely manner once it set in.  But while anxiety was probably the most noticeable, others such as lack of concentration, slurred speech, increases in emotions, and inability to process information productively also returned.  It was almost like being back at square one, minus the memory loss.  And because I was acutely aware of what was happening, it only served to increase my anxiety.  To know, or perhaps it was just to feel, as though you're not who you are, is a sickening, troublesome feeling that's hard to explain to those who've not  felt it personally.

Because of those who spoke out and sacrificed much, including their own lives,
more information, studies, and protocols are available to aid concussion avoidance
and rehabilitation.

Eventually, after meeting with my OT (Occupational Therapist), talking with the Misses, and doing some research, it was decided that I could no longer work that job.  Between the inherent stress that sometimes arises with such a position and working overnights, it was simply not an option. Anyone who's worked graveyard shifts knows that overnight positions can be extremely taxing on everything from the body and brain to relationships and life goals.  I finally had to admit that I don't have the ability to function and my brain apparently cannot handle the type of stress such positions cause and require.  I would have to formulate a new plan in regards to employment.  It was also during that time a quagmire began regarding a different team that I was an assistant coach of which only exacerbated the situation.  Instead of taking the break I desperately needed I elected to step up into a more pronounced position for the summer than I'd have preferred and unfortunately due to the length of time that was required to sort the situation out, I was over the top exhausted and had fallen nearly back to where I'd begun my PCS journey a year prior.  The addition of a new job would seal the deal and my high school coaching career would come to an end.  While PCS was certainly not the only reasoning behind my decision to resign my positions, it played an undeniable role.  My circumstances had changed and with it, my attitude and expectation were required to as well.

It's not always about stopping, sometimes we must simply choose a different road.