The Dark Side of TBI

If you’re offended by language and real talk, this post is not going to be for you. Because sometimes, when what’s in your head is itching to come out, it’s best to simply remove the filter and let it say whatever it wishes by using your fingers as nothing more than a conduit.

Brain injuries can be a son of a bitch.  Not just because of the menial inconveniences they illicit, but because they're forever attempting to manipulate your thoughts and actions. The brain understands you even when you don’t understand yourself and it’ll slowly work on your weaknesses by creating doubts, fears, emotions, actions, depression, and leaving you with nothing but the fallout and consequences to deal with later. Of course, this isn’t guaranteed to happen but from the stories of others, I’ve been able to gather that my experiences are not abnormal….and they can be fucking frightening.

Killing myself has been a topic of conversation within my head numerous times.  And it's always striking when I'm feeling my lowest or when I'm mentally fatigued because it's a bitch like that.  I finally revealed this to my wife a few weeks ago, while deeply intoxicated off a shit load of Irish whiskey. For clarity, I’ve never come close to even taking a single step toward any actions that would take me down that road.  But it has given my insight into the minds of those who have and those who may be considering it.  I'm thankful that I have and have had the resources available to inform me of this possibility before it ever happened.  When added to my long time interest in psychology, I am no doubt fortunate in many respects.  I can’t even begin to imagine how others felt in previous years before we began to gain some understanding into the long term effects of brain trauma. It’s the main reason why I no longer watch football, especially the NFL. What many of those former players had to suffer through because of what was hidden is fucking haunting to anyone who’s experiencing the side effects of TBI. Not only did they have to suffer through the effects of the injuries, but to then be repeatedly told that nothing was actually wrong and “it was in their head”, (the irony of that statement is not lost on me) ect; what a gross indignity to experience simply so millionaires could become billionaires.

And not only did the NFL players suffer because the research was stymied, but so did other players from college down to high school and pee wees. Military veterans couldn’t have received proper care even if the VA wasn’t a shit show, and treatment for those in car and other accidents was never as good as it could have been for over 20 years because the research that could have enhanced treatment procedures was never performed. If it seems like I’m a little jaded, it’s because I am.

The fact is, I was always going to end up here. Even if the initial information had been revealed back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, there’s a good chance it would not have advanced enough to be of much use to me. Add in the fact a tree literally landed on top of me, getting a fucked up human processor was probably always in the cards. That’s OK, I can deal with it. It sucks sometimes, but I’m making due; pretty much. If nothing else, because self-awareness is something I’m continuously working on, I believe I have a fantastic opportunity to use my situation to help others. And that’s what’s promoted me to write this. People need to know that they’re not alone.

As I mentioned earlier, the thought of ending it all, i.e, committing suicide, is one that seems to always be fighting to make itself known. It’s not always there, but especially when I’m feeling down, it’s voice will speak a little louder and I’ll have to mentally drop kick it back into its hole. Sadness is a big one.  Long term frustration can be as well.  As can be the presentation of new symptoms that also align with other disorders and diseases. When they’re fatal ones, having such news revealed on on top of an already fragile emotional state can be completely over fucking whelming let me tell ya. Your broken brain will head off in every God damn direction imaginable and trying to slow it down is near damn impossible. 

And why shouldn’t it? Now that scientists and medical professionals are studying the short and long term affects of brain injuries, daily, words like Alzheimer, dementia, Parkinson's, ALS, Lewy Body, and of course, CTE, are being associated. When you’re 35, already nervous at best and scared at worst because you have blank spots in your memory, forget things, have trouble retaining new information, and have to work through anxiety issues every now and again, being constantly presented with the possibility that your future holds no memory of your life, well, telling the world it can fuck off simply seems appropriate.

I don’t have solutions. Hell, at the moment I don’t have any theories to speak of. I’m in the same boat as other people in that I’m simply looking for a path that will work for me. I’m sleeping more than I’d prefer. On top of the symptoms mentioned above, I’m currently battling fatigue, dysphagia, aphasia, headaches, sensitivity to sight and sound, some other speech issues, memory lapses, and perhaps most frustrating of all, a complete lack of ability to concentrate when my fatigue hits a certain stage. Many days I come home from work, eat and head immediately to bed for a nap that lasts anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and 20 minutes. When I wake, I’m about half of who I was in the morning and only for a few hours, and then it’s back to bed for a good nights recharge (hopefully).

In the mornings I’m good for anywhere from 5 to 7 hours before there is a noticeable decline in my cognition.  After that I can still do activities but generally they need to be tasks I've done before and work off muscle memory, if you will.  I can work outside on the tractor, clean the house, cook dinner, ect but studying becomes extremely difficult to impossible, discussing complex ideas is a no-go, and even holding some conversations can be an exercise in futility.  Clearly this does not just impact me but my entire family as well because we have to work around such issues as well as it limits my ability to have the kinds of interactions I'd prefer.  I have not had an opportunity recently to test if it’s the same if I get a couple days of rest because I’ve not had an opportunity to get a couple days worth of rest. Admittedly I have some theories I’d like to try so I can begin finding more concrete solutions but in general, life doesn’t give a fuck about my theories so like most others, I push on and try to figure things out when I can.

I strive to make the majority of my posts positive but sometimes things suck and need to be called like they are.  At times I don’t have an ability to put on a face for the world and it simply get's what I have. It seems to be happening more and more lately and I honestly don’t know whether it’s good or bad. TBI and post concussion are real thing but also still in their infancy with regard to medical understanding, treatment, and public knowledge and acceptance. Whether I’ll actually have any impact through my experiences is difficult, if not impossible to say. But...but, I certainly hope this isn’t all for naught.

And while this seems like I’m bitching, and I guess I sort of am, it’s also honest. As is the fact that there are people in this world a hell of a lot worse off than I am.  Still, it doesn’t change that this shit gets to you. It wears you down when certain situations happen and you understand your reactions, behaviors, and memories are not the same as they once were. I don’t know what made me write this tonight. Perhaps it was just time. I feel like while I’ve been fighting back against this TBI/PCS issue, I’ve also been letting in lead the way in most respects. I’ve been reactionary to what it’s thrown at me and I'm finally attempting to take the necessary steps to take back some control. To try and not be so completely exhausted at the end of the day I can barely hold a conversation or attempt to learn something new. To try and take this bitch by the horns so I can truly find ways to adapt and overcome the obstacles.

 Or perhaps I needed to write this because while my intent was to let others know they’re not alone, I need to know I’m not alone too.




If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please reach out to someone who'll listen.  Whether it's a friend, family member, professional, or group.  Linked are some resources who can help.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/veterans/

Concussion Recovery Part 3: Moving Forward

When I left off last, I was feeling like shit with a return of many symptoms, had resigned my coaching positions, and accepted a new job.  That was early August 17'.  In the months following improvement would be slow and frustrating not just for me but the family as a whole; especially Shawna.  The level of gratefulness I feel for her during that time can't be measured, especially given that Caden would receive a concussion during his football season that would not only end his season, but his high school football career.  The load she had to handle while dealing with her previously described medical issues had to have been damn near overwhelming.  But, I'll come back to that later because as I mentioned in my previous post, doing two things at once is absolutely not my strong suit.

Stress, I've found, is a key culprit.  The lower my stress, the better and longer I can work, study, read, and interact with people.  The higher my stress the more reclusive I become, the less I talk and interact, and the higher my requirement to find a way to "zone out".  What do I mean by zoning out?  It's simply an activity that allows my brain to initiate autopilot.  There are a few ways I've found to accomplish this.  Mowing and tractor work works great.  Physical exercise can help sometimes but not always.  I've recently found that playing some video games can provide relief so long as they're not that ones that require constant eye movement.  I tend to also re-watch the same TV programs.  NCIS and Burn Notice replay a lot because focus isn't required.  It annoys the hell out of the Misses but while there are many new fantastic new shows available, most are almost too good for me to enjoy.  They're so well done and in-depth that they require levels of focus and attention that cause mental fatigue.  Fortunate for the viewing public at large, not so much for me.

Unfortunately the way the previous summer worked out I've also been dealing with excess self-induced stress this winter because I fell so far behind.  I didn't even manage to get all my firewood cut and split so I've literally taken a day every week or two to get enough wood put in the basement to get us through until I can process more.  It's frustrating as shit on multiple levels, not the least of which is the fact that I'm a Mainer who was completely unprepared for winter.  If someone asked for my Maine card back, they'd be justified frankly and that hits the ole' pride right in the heart.

Working in a beautiful environment doesn't hurt.

While stress plays a big part in life, my new job has been great for my recovery in many ways.  I'm just the maintenance man at a horse stable but between the work, the animals, and my co-workers, the atmosphere and job type were just what I needed.  One of the areas I've seemed to have the most trouble with is learning new, complex ideas.  Trying to study my personal training manual so I can become certified has been a practice in frustration.  Memorization and trying to fully understand complex concepts is admittedly, at times, a struggle.  There are days, and they're adding up more and more, where I can study like I did in college and really retain new material but to try and do that at a job and then do it while chasing my own dreams at home would be and I've found is, quite an obstacle.  What my maintenance job requires is the type of work that I've either done previously or is close enough that I'm not having to learn completely new tasks .  It's also work that I enjoy doing for the most part.  When I'm at home I'm often out on the tractor working the land or renovating the house or homestead.  It can be physically demanding, frustrating, cold, hot, wet, and smelly but in general I can make it through the day without being both physically AND mentally wiped.  I can give an honest days work there, help my wife at home, and not always but generally, have a little brain left over.  I've found a job that actually helps aid in my recovery and I'm thankful for that.

Sleep and rest are two other essential requirements that were and are overlooked not just by me, but by our population as a whole.  However, when it comes to brain injury/recovery, it's essential.  Essential.. I'm not even sure that word is strong enough.  And I'm not talking for immediate post recovery, though it's key there too.  What I'm talking about is for life going forward.  There is a noticeable difference in how I feel, perform, and process when I'm consistently getting enough sleep and rest and when I'm not.  When I'm limiting my screen time, have good amounts of physical exercise, limiting stress, eating properly, and finding enough downtime to let my brain refresh and recharge and when I'm pushing too hard for too long.  I can get away with pushing myself to the ends of my current capabilities for a time, but eventually it catches up and when it does, everything becomes a struggle.  I get off the path I discussed in a recent post, I stop doing things I should be because they feel like additional work, my brain goes into a state of autopilot where I can get most of my daily tasks done but nothing extra, and I devolve into my cranky asshole-iest.  It's certainly not unnoticeable to myself or those around me when I hit this point and like dealing with weight, it's much easier to fall into the realm of unhealthy than it is to dig out of it.  Unfortunately, there's only one way to feel better in these instances and that's to slow down, put what's unnecessary on hold, rest, sleep, and spend some days consuming quality foods, and maintaining hydration.  Basically, get back to life at it most simplistic.  Sounds easy right?  Easy to prepare, harder in practice for whatever reason. 

In the first paragraph I mentioned what a rock Shawna has been through all this.  Between Caden and I this place can often feel like a mental madhouse.  Throw in the day's her health isn't so good and I can't even imagine what this place must look like to an outsider.  But through it all, communication has been immense and for the most part the three of us have been pretty decent at it.  Yes there have certainly been times when we've all struggled but that's not uncommon for A.) Marriage, or B.) a house where a teenager resides.  I'd venture a guess that there aren't many households in the area that are as knowledgeable and aware of concussion issues, recovery, and treatment as ours and we're constantly trying to use that to our advantage.  While I'd like to say it's not so, I also think that the past few years navigating a home containing a person with some physical limitations has also helped.  We'd already spent considerable time devising  systems and learning to overcome physical and mental roadblocks so when faced with new ones, it wasn't nearly as taxing as it might have been for a family new to such changes.

So that's part 3 of what I'd thought was going to be a 4 part series.  Coming soon with be a discussion regarding my treatment(s) thus far, some of what I've learned, and perhaps even some discussion regarding the future.  Then again, perhaps that'll be a part 5.  Like PCS recovery, at this point, it's anyone's guess how this will continue to develop.

Concussion Recovery Part 1                                   Concussion Recovery Part 2

Concussion Recovery Part 2: Stepping Back

The day after hitting publish on the first Concussion recovery post, I had a couple thoughts. First and foremost, the writing was shit and clearly a step back from where I'd been months before.  Secondly, I didn't fucking care because the point wasn't to write my masterpiece, it was simply to write something, almost anything, and hit publish.  Getting a win in this facet of life was important, perhaps vitally important if I were ever to continue.  When I initially expressed my thoughts regarding the (lack of) quality the misses thought I was preparing to delete and began protesting until I informed her otherwise.  Clearly she also recognized that while it wasn't my best work, simply publishing was where the value lied.  The third thought was that I'm going to have to revert back a bit in this discussion because I left out far too many details that are inherent to explaining what's happened.  Frankly, much of it was nothing more than a jumbled mess that seemed to leave more questions than answers.  I could, of course, delete and re-write the entire draft but to do so would remove what I believe to be an important step on this road to recovery and some clear evidence for readers fighting similar issues that they're not alone.  Recovering from TBI is a long, pain in the ass road that will be filled with victory and set-backs and we must acknowledge, learn from, and accept our failures as well as our successes on the road back.

When I left you last, I'd mentioned experiencing a relapse.  I'll discuss that shortly but first let me step back a bit farther and explain a few things.  First, I don't really remember the months immediately following the tree accident and the relapse is much more clear so it's easier for me to discuss.  Sometimes memories come back from that time frame but it seems to be the exception not the norm.  As an example:  My cousin was married post accident during the summer of 2016.  I actually attempted to drive us to the wedding (this was before Shawna was able to get her license back after getting her seizures under control) but only made it about a mile up the road before deciding I was not well enough to complete the trip.  A few months later, upon noticing their rings I asked them when they'd run off and gotten married.  That day was when I began to truly understand the severity of my trauma.

For grade school and collegiate athletes,
trainers are the first line in concussion
diagnosis and recovery.

This was not my first head trauma.  I'd gotten hurt a couple times as a young child and later would play football in both high school and college prior to the many recent advancements regarding concussions and protocols.  I had missing pieces of games and practices during those years.  Headaches, nausea, and who knows what other symptoms.  I also dealt with years of depression but I can't say for certain how much of a role head injuries played in that honestly.  If today's rules were available, I'd probably have been pulled from contact sports.  This is in NO WAY an effort to cast any sort of dispersion on coaches or training staff because honestly, they were operating under incomplete information in good faith.  Basically, they didn't know what they didn't know and it appears that certain highly visible organizations may have been hiding knowledge in an effort to protect brand and bottom line.  Unfortunate but certainly not surprising to anyone with a ounce of understanding regarding human behavior.  Thankfully today their lies and deceit have been uncovered and the next generation it proceeding forward with much more knowledge.  We all owe a debt of gratitude to those who pursued and to those who lost their lives in an effort to bring this information into the public domain.  If it hadn't been for their sacrifices who knows how many more lives would have been effected not because of actual trauma but because of undisclosed information.

But I digress.  My relapse happened sometime around the middle of June 2017.  Up until that point I'd been on what I'd thought was a decent road to recovery.  I'd begun a new position doing overnight security at a school for youth, was coaching as an assistant for the local high school baseball team, writing a blog post per week, attending to all Shawna and Caden's needs and appointments, knocking out home projects while hitting the gym consistently.  I was pretty happy with the way things were progressing.  And then I began to notice some issues.  In retrospect, while they seemed to come on all at once, that wasn't actually the case.  Even though the job was only two overnights per week, it fucked my sleep pattern for the other 5 as well.  On top of that, all the other endeavors I'd taken on now became hindrances to rest and my symptoms intensified quickly ; the biggest being anxiety, specifically the inability to calm down in a timely manner once it set in.  But while anxiety was probably the most noticeable, others such as lack of concentration, slurred speech, increases in emotions, and inability to process information productively also returned.  It was almost like being back at square one, minus the memory loss.  And because I was acutely aware of what was happening, it only served to increase my anxiety.  To know, or perhaps it was just to feel, as though you're not who you are, is a sickening, troublesome feeling that's hard to explain to those who've not  felt it personally.

Because of those who spoke out and sacrificed much, including their own lives,
more information, studies, and protocols are available to aid concussion avoidance
and rehabilitation.

Eventually, after meeting with my OT (Occupational Therapist), talking with the Misses, and doing some research, it was decided that I could no longer work that job.  Between the inherent stress that sometimes arises with such a position and working overnights, it was simply not an option. Anyone who's worked graveyard shifts knows that overnight positions can be extremely taxing on everything from the body and brain to relationships and life goals.  I finally had to admit that I don't have the ability to function and my brain apparently cannot handle the type of stress such positions cause and require.  I would have to formulate a new plan in regards to employment.  It was also during that time a quagmire began regarding a different team that I was an assistant coach of which only exacerbated the situation.  Instead of taking the break I desperately needed I elected to step up into a more pronounced position for the summer than I'd have preferred and unfortunately due to the length of time that was required to sort the situation out, I was over the top exhausted and had fallen nearly back to where I'd begun my PCS journey a year prior.  The addition of a new job would seal the deal and my high school coaching career would come to an end.  While PCS was certainly not the only reasoning behind my decision to resign my positions, it played an undeniable role.  My circumstances had changed and with it, my attitude and expectation were required to as well.

It's not always about stopping, sometimes we must simply choose a different road.

   

Let's Try This Again, Shall We.

So here I am again, trying to kick start my writing one more time.  Frankly, it's beginning to feel like quitting tobacco with all the starts and stops.  But given that it's been almost two years since I got off the nicotine I figure if I keep at this enough times eventually it'll stick too.  I actually enjoy writing; when my brain is working well enough to do so.  And in the second half of 2017 that was almost never.  But it's not 2017 anymore, it's 2018 and with the changing year also came changing goals.  So here I am, sitting at my computer once again, coffee to my left, my fancy new Protopreneur Protoplanner (more on this later) day planner to my right and a quickly filling blank screen before me.

I won't cover too much of last year today because to do so would remove some potential topics for future posts.  And frankly, I'm not confident that I can consistently come up with new topics on the fly as I've done previously so I need to maintain ideas already in development.  I do have the second part of the concussion post begun and that's very likely to need a third and perhaps fourth installment.  I'm hoping to do an update on my intermittent fasting fairly soon as well for those who are or have been interested to read how that's coming.  But for today I'm foregoing discussing those topics and instead will discuss some information regarding goals, goal setting, and adapting goals to fit circumstances.  And this blog is a perfect place to begin that discussion.

Entering 2017, I had the goal to write two posts per month.  Before my concussion relapse I was actually producing closer to a post per week.  I felt like I was on fire.  I had ideas and those ideas were turning into words.  My writing was getting better and more fluid.  Don't get my wrong, I was a long ways away from being an actual professional but the consistent practice was clearly paying dividends.  And then, if you read this blog, you know that everything came to a screeching halt mid summer and after that almost nothing.  It's taken me this long to get back on the horse and to even get this far, some serious changes have been required.

First, I had to decide if this was still something I wished to pursue.  Given that it absolutely is, next I had to come up with production goal.  Last year I began with two posts per month.  Currently that feels a little daunting so for 2018 it'll be a single post per month.  If I manage to hit one or two extra here and there, fabulous.  But for this year, this entire year, I'm keeping the one post per month goal.  Doing so alleviates the possibility that I'll add any additional pressure regarding this task and that's an important part of my recovery and life change requirements.  Third, I've planned a day for blog production weekly.  For now, it's Monday evenings for an hour.  At that time I'll brainstorm, write, edit, ect that months work.  Perhaps I'll have something I can post the next day or maybe it'll take all four monthly sessions to have something shareable but it doesn't matter.  I have time carved out to write.  Just like I have time set aside for studying, working out, spending time with family, ect.  It's not to say I can't write at others times if I'd like as well, this simply gives me a fixed window for this task.


The Simple Things is not the only place I've been working on some goal adjustments but it's obviously the most relevant here.  The truth is I've had to make many adjustments and one of the biggest was opening up to allowing some fluidity with my goals.  While I think some goals should be more rigid than others, the reality is that life happens and sometimes we have to change what we're doing on the fly.  Sometimes we can detour around said changes and get back on the same path we were on previously, sometimes we have to seek a new path, and other times we have to change the destination all together.  The hard part is deciding which move is required.  Too much rigidity and one risks constant failure.  Too much fluidity and no real goals will ever be set or met.  All such decisions must not only be made on a case by case basis, but the method for making the decisions must be carefully analyzed as well.  The need for consistent, unbiased review of ones path and goal  is a paramount yet often overlooked part of a successful process.  In truth, it can be tricky to not become so overly focused with planning and reviewing that work is never accomplished but being aware of the possibility that that can happen is a good first step to avoiding it. 

This is where having support comes in handy.  And I say this as someone who's overly independent and does not like to ask for help (drives my wife NUTS).  Your support has the ability to see things you don't, brings different experiences and perspectives to the table, and can let you know when you're off track.  You might not want to hear what they have to say, may not like their opinions, but even if you choose to stick to your original plan, there's value in having as much information as possible.  The reason I have my new planner is due to my wife.  She had one and I really liked what she was doing with it so she purchased one for me and has been helping to set it up in a way that will hopefully enable me to accomplish more.  Her support will hopefully enable me to pursue my own dreams in a healthier and more efficient manner and had it not been for her and coming up with these solutions, if I wasn't currently experiencing another relapse I'd be damn close it.

And there we have it, both my first post in the past three months as well as my first post of 2018.  Won't lie, this feels like a huge win.  Not only that I somehow managed to get the damn thing written and live before the end of January making me 1 for 1 this year.  Who's to say what next month will bring but tonight it doesn't matter.  Tonight I'm on track for the year.  Tonight, with post ideas in tow and a couple weeks to work on them, I'm ahead of the game.  Tonight I'll hit publish and The Simple Things will be live once again and trust me, that's No Simple Thing. 

   

Concussion Recovery: Part 1

I've had a considerable amount of this post written for some time; months in-fact.  But what I've found is that traumatic brain injuries/concussions don't work on our timetable, they progress at their own speed.  In-fact, the more one fights against it and attempts to push through the longer the symptoms linger.  These are just a couple of the many lessons I've learned in what's now approaching a year and a half since my accident and injury.  Another is that in order to write this properly, it has to be raw.  Perhaps that was one of the issues prior.  Back when I began I was a school coach and as such, tended to scale back my language and how I wrote things.  I no longer have that concern thanks in part to some of the side effects that have come along with my now and finally diagnosed,
"Moderate Post-Concussion Syndrome"  I put that in quotes because that was what the neurologist diagnosed me with and clearly for this post, it's important to insure that it's given its proper reference.   

The helmet I was wearing sitting atop pieces of the tree involved.

If you're a sports fan it's next to impossible not to know about the advances and acknowledgements surrounding concussions.  It's been all over the internet and stations like ESPN and Fox Sports due to the high amount of professional football players who've been diagnosed postmortem with CTE (Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy) as well as the controversy surrounding medical implications that were not acknowledged/possibly covered up.  This has now transitioned to a vast discussion not only about what concussions are, but also how to prevent, diagnose, and treat. As a former coach, I paid attention because I wanted those whom I worked with to be healthy and to limit the chances for injury to the highest degree possible.  For me, understanding concussions is as important as understanding how the goal line defense compares to a 5-2 or 4-4 in short yardage situations.  (If you're not a football fan, I apologize if my analogy doesn't make much sense). Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, beginning last summer I became much more an expert on the subject than I ever could have foreseen.

The rest of the tree.  This was the base so no directly involved
but when the issues no doubt began on my end.

On July 20th of last year I made my way behind the house to do some wood cutting and land clearing. I had my chainsaw, some wedges, and on that particular day, a forestry helmet.  I knew walking in it would be necessary for a dead cherry tree to come down because it was both in the way and presented a clear safety hazard.  I checked the immediate area in search of another tree I could fell in that direction, allowing me to take it down while lessening the danger but unfortunately none were present.  I directed Caden where to safely stand and instructed him to wait for my signal before moving in for cleanup. Helmet on, I looked over the tree, decided where I wanted it to fall and began cutting.  It was pretty well surrounded by other trees so I made the decision to have it fall in a way that it would graze the limbs on a nearby pine and slide down. Unfortunately, dead trees don't always do what you expect and on this day, it made a valiant effort to live up to the "widowmaker" moniker. Rather than hitting the pine branches and sliding off, it hit the branches and came straight back at me. Whether I felled it exactly where I wanted I have no idea but it's safe to assume, not exactly.  (Caden would later tell me it was going exactly where I'd planned but hit another branch that I apparently didn't see) I cannot remember seeing where it hit but I do remember seeing it coming back at me.  I waited as long as possible before moving in what I thought was to be the safe direction but I was again wrong.  My guess is it again hit something else that changed it's direction but I don't know for sure.

 I remember turning enough so when it hit me it was on the back left side of my head and knew immediately I'd been dinged pretty hard but I've been hit in the head hard a lot so the idea of being genuinely hurt didn't enter my initial thoughts.  Funny enough, after a moment or two and letting Caden know I was OK, I picked up my saw again to get back to work when it become apparent I should have Shawna (a former Army medic) check me out.  I walked back to the house, entered, and since she was sleeping, I was forced to wake her (which I actually remember feeling badly about.  HA!)  Startled because I don't generally ask for medical help (there are other stories there), she was awake instantly and running me through some basic concussion testing.  Most were OK but not great and I honestly thought that I'd probably panicked her for nothing when my speech began to slur.  That continued to get worse until we made the decision that seeking medical advice was a good idea.  We made a call and got a ride from family so the Dr could do basically nothing except charge me a fee. Limited cognitive testing, no MRI/cat scan, no advice except to rest. Looking back, I'm pretty pissed by the medical treatment I (didn't) received because I made decisions based on their reactions and advice.  This is not to say that I would have listened to everything but I should have had those options much earlier than I did.  And yes, I should have listened to my wife but when you're in the state I was, you put a certain amount of trust into the hands of your doctors and frankly, I'll never fucking do it again.

From here, some (many according to Shawna) details are fuzzy.  I thought I'd be up and on my feet in a day or two but that turned definitely wasn't the case.  I tried to go outside and work a few days later but that only magnified my symptoms.  I tried and did work as an assistant football coach at the local high school, but I definitely wasn't myself.  I would not come to realize how bad I was until I was sent to see an Occupational Therapist who helped me understand the shape was actually in by running a battery of simple tests that left me feeling fucked up not just following the appointment, for for a day or two after .   However, even then, I honestly didn't take the whole thing nearly as serious as I should have.  I continued to do things against her, my wife's, and pretty much everyone around me's recommendations because I thought for sure I could simply out-tough my injury.

Eventually, a couple months later, I finally began to feel like myself.  I got to watched the Cubs finally win the World Series (I'm a Red Sox fan first, Cubs fan because of so many years of shared and understood misery)  made it through the holidays, enjoyed watching the Pats pull of their epic Super Bowl comeback for the ages, was writing weekly blog posts while working on and beginning to lose some weight, and was even an assistant coach for the local high school baseball team in the spring.  It was also during that time that I found a new job and began working an overnight security gig at a local specialized school.  Everything seemed to be back to normal and going well...Right up until it began not to  And that's when the fucking relapse happened.