House shopping sucks. That's the conclusion I've come too anyways. I was told when this started what a pain in the ass it would be and I can verify that those people were correct. It's not just dealing with the actual process of finding a place that fits all your wants and needs. It's also dealing with the banks, mortgage lenders, insurance companies, tax assessors, and so on. It seems like people are just appearing out of the damn woodwork that we have to either work with, or try to work around. Pain. In. The. Ass. I seriously thought planning and executing a wedding sucked. It has nothing on this process.
Right now our biggest issues is simply finding a place that we both agree on. For me, the biggest concern is the amount of land we get. I grew up on and currently live on what many would consider a pretty large parcel of real estate. I realize I'm going to have to downgrade what I'm used to but in order to both be happy and live the kind of live I want I need enough land to create some sustainability. And acre or two isn't enough to do that. So now I've dropped from the 30-50 acres I desired to 20 or perhaps a little less if the house and location fits our needs. Since we're working within a pretty tight budget, it's driving my stress level through the roof. I don't want to settle. I feel as though I made my decision on which college to attend because I hurried and settled and now I'm paying for something that I don't find the value in. I'm not planning on making that mistake a second time. Especially on a a second very expensive investment.
This is just one requirement for a home. Like everyone in our situation, there are many others. How are the schools in the area? How far are we from various amenities such as the gym I wish to rejoin and hockey for Jimmy? How close is quality medical care? (A big reason for wanting to move is the lack thereof in our current location). And then there's the fact that Marilyn needs a big enough space to set up her pottery studio and a first floor bedroom. It seems like there are a hundred little things that must be taken into consideration before we can say, "This is it. This is where I want to spend the next 50 years of my life." On a good note, however, is the fact that we're open to home that may need a little work. Or, at least require work that will still allow us to be cleared by our mortgage broker. I'm fairly handy so upgrades and/or improvements that need to be made won't be an issue. This could potentially allow us to get a little more house for our dollar.
Interestingly enough, I wrote all the above and then things changed again! HA! We've had some hiccups with our initial mortgage information and found out that we currently qualify for less than initially presented. We could still purchase a home but it would likely be closer to a town and have almost not property attached. This is a big no-no for me. This new information led us to looking at renting a home. However, this would seriously interfere with our lifestyle. Trying to find a place to rent that is set up, or could be set up for Marilyn's pottery studio would be nearly impossible. Not to mention she has two huge orders that need to be filled by this fall. We simply don't have enough time to create a studio space for her. But through all the stress of the past couple of days another option became available. It looks like if we're willing to stay another winter, a new heating system will be installed which will drastically reduce our winter costs as well make being able to leave for a day or two in the winter without fear of the pipes freezing plausible. While I am in no way looking forward to spending another winter up here and being away from the things I desire to to do for another year, when we sat and looked at options it seems like the most reasonable. We learned a lot after the first winter, even more last year, and I think by the time this next one rolls around we'll be in much better shape. I only hope that we don't get hammered next winter like we did this one because damn, having the harshest winter in over 60 years sucked ass.
If I'm learning one thing throughout this process, it's that things can change in a moment. We're constantly learning and doing what we can to apply our new knowledge. Stepping back from time to time to look at the big picture seems to be a key in quality decision making. While we're certainly anxious to find a home and move, to do so in a way that's detrimental to us in the long term is not a mistake we wish to make. The mortgage crisis of 08' highlighted the fact that over burdening oneself with a large mortgage is not a good idea. At the same time trying to find something you're going to be happy with does play a role. Waking up and feeling miserable about something you're paying a good portion of your monthly income too isn't a position anyone wants to find themselves in.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Back Again
When I sat down today, I knew that it had been a little while since I'd last written. However, I didn't realize that it had been nearly 6 weeks! It's amazing how from time to time it feels as though life can get away from us. We begin to make lists and write things down only to have other obligations take precedent over what we initially thought was important. That's kind of how it's been around here. Things have been moving back and forth from the front burner to the back and vise versa more than a meal in Chef Ramsey's kitchen.
Regardless, I'm back now and ready to put out some work. First and foremost, I want to wish a very Happy Mothers Day to all the mom's out there! I'm currently sitting in my office trying to hammer out a little work but later today will be time for a nice cooked meal and some quality time together with my wife. I'll be making some phone calls to the women in my life who insured that I made it this far, and I'm hoping to get the wife and boy in the car and go visit a friend of ours who's two children are away; on as a member of the USAF and the other a sophomore in college. The woman I've had in my life up to this point have been nothing short of phenomenal and this is one of the few holidays I'm grateful exists. While I try to thank them as often as possible throughout the year, it's nice that there is a day set aside to recognize their efforts and the love and compassion they've shown us.
So what have I been up to the past few weeks? It feels like we've literally been on the run. The misses has had appointment after appointment (with another one this week). The boy is now doing outdoor track and has had practice and meets. He went down with his dad for April vacation and Marilyn and I spent the week looking at homes. We've been trying to get out financial house in order to qualify for a mortgage when we do find the right one. And to top it off I've been under the weather on and off for the past week. Oh yeah, and the weather has finally turned and all the damn white stuff left by mother nature during the winter is finally gone! All this has obviously been mixed in with the day to day happenings of life (of which you can read about here). However, one great thing that has happened, is now that the winter has finally passed I can use my office above the garage again! No more trying to sit and do things in the living room where everyone is running around, watching tv, talking, and the dog has the desire to play...ALL THE TIME! HA! Boy, I love that dog but he's sure full of energy. Spring has arrived and with it has come the annual renewal of energy that anyone who lives in a cold weather climate understands well...including dogs apparently.
I had all intentions on going into more detail during this post but I'm afraid if I do it'll get confusing so I'll shut it down here with the intention of creating another in the next day or two (however, we all know about intentions right?). Take today to remind the important women in your life that you love and are thankful for them. If you're a mom, take a moment to sit with your feet up and enjoy the wonderfulness you've brought into the world. Remember, while it may be the big things that get all the recognition, it's the simple things that make the most difference.
Regardless, I'm back now and ready to put out some work. First and foremost, I want to wish a very Happy Mothers Day to all the mom's out there! I'm currently sitting in my office trying to hammer out a little work but later today will be time for a nice cooked meal and some quality time together with my wife. I'll be making some phone calls to the women in my life who insured that I made it this far, and I'm hoping to get the wife and boy in the car and go visit a friend of ours who's two children are away; on as a member of the USAF and the other a sophomore in college. The woman I've had in my life up to this point have been nothing short of phenomenal and this is one of the few holidays I'm grateful exists. While I try to thank them as often as possible throughout the year, it's nice that there is a day set aside to recognize their efforts and the love and compassion they've shown us.
So what have I been up to the past few weeks? It feels like we've literally been on the run. The misses has had appointment after appointment (with another one this week). The boy is now doing outdoor track and has had practice and meets. He went down with his dad for April vacation and Marilyn and I spent the week looking at homes. We've been trying to get out financial house in order to qualify for a mortgage when we do find the right one. And to top it off I've been under the weather on and off for the past week. Oh yeah, and the weather has finally turned and all the damn white stuff left by mother nature during the winter is finally gone! All this has obviously been mixed in with the day to day happenings of life (of which you can read about here). However, one great thing that has happened, is now that the winter has finally passed I can use my office above the garage again! No more trying to sit and do things in the living room where everyone is running around, watching tv, talking, and the dog has the desire to play...ALL THE TIME! HA! Boy, I love that dog but he's sure full of energy. Spring has arrived and with it has come the annual renewal of energy that anyone who lives in a cold weather climate understands well...including dogs apparently.
I had all intentions on going into more detail during this post but I'm afraid if I do it'll get confusing so I'll shut it down here with the intention of creating another in the next day or two (however, we all know about intentions right?). Take today to remind the important women in your life that you love and are thankful for them. If you're a mom, take a moment to sit with your feet up and enjoy the wonderfulness you've brought into the world. Remember, while it may be the big things that get all the recognition, it's the simple things that make the most difference.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Not As Easy As I Thought
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect when becoming a caretaker for my wife. It seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal, that hard, or overly stressful. I honestly thought that it wouldn't be that life changing. All the shit I was told about making sure I take care of myself and using my support system I kind of brushed aside because "I knew" all that already. Unfortunately I knew all that already in theory and not from ever really experiencing it. I saw my mother, grandmother, and grandfather do it when my great gram was coming to the end of her life. I knew what I was getting in to and it wouldn't be an issue...I'm finding out that all the things I knew, didn't add up to "piss hole in the snow" as my grandfather would say, once I began putting them into practice.
I don't tend to talk much or open up about my feelings. I'm a work in progress on that front but still have a god damn long ways to go. I'm aware of it but it still doesn't make it any easier to do it. I swallow and bottle and believe that my shoulders are strong enough to take on my issues and anyone else's that I care about. I suppose it's why people come to me with things. Unfortunately, while I can help them with issues I haven't always been able to help myself. I've often been so busy helping others take care of their problems, mine get masked over and I keep pushing them further and further down the list of necessary items to take care of. In this kind of life that will eventually lead to issues.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a support system. And I'm not just talking about people who'll tell you what you want to hear or just try to make you feel better, though there can be a time and place for that. I'm talking about friends and family who are the kind of people that will tell you when you're doing something wrong and are acting like a douche. The people who can see that's something isn't right and will say something or ask questions without you having to approach them. Who understand that you're not having issues because you're weak but you're having them because, like carrying a 50 lb weight on your back, eventually you get tired and have to unload that shit before continuing on. They can put your mind as easy and let you know that it's ok to let your guard down and talk to them without having to censor your feelings or thoughts. Those are the people to search out when seeking support.
I'll be honest. I don't tell my wife everything that's going on in my head and I don't expect that she does with me either. I know she's aware of that fact and I know this bothers her somewhat. We try to protect those that we love and guard them from any unnecessary hurt or concern. That's when the support system is most necessary. It allows you to get things out in the open and free your mind without causing any undo stress. Sometimes what you reveal may stay strictly between you and the one you're opening up to and other times that second point of view may reveal other approaches that allow you to open up to your loved one. That depends on many things including what the information is, the circumstances, ect.
Having a support system is very influential to the other major facet of being a caretaker: Taking care of yourself. This encompasses so many different variables that I'm not sure I can touch on them all but there are a few key ones for me. Diet, fitness, and hobbies. Here's some truth. If you're in poor health how are you going to be able to take care of someone else and insure that they're in the best health possible? You can't. If I'm cooking and eating nothing but prepackaged foods and serving fatty cakes and coke what is that going to do for us? I'm going to be tired and lethargic all the time and am likely going to end up causing myself health effects down the road. This is not conducive to insuring that my loved one is being well taken care of. Food and exercise also effects my mood and the way I conduct myself. Bad food makes be feel like shit. I notice a vast difference in my behavior when I'm eating well vs when I'm eating trash. My family notices it as well. I'm almost a different person. It's the same when I'm not injured and can exercise on a regular basis. I feel better about myself and in turn I'm a better father and husband for my family. If you're a caretaker and unaware of good diet and exercise habits, getting in touch with someone who is is vital.. Eating and moving are two necessary, yet often overlooked essentials to this lifestyle and I implore you to work toward getting on the right track for your health and your loved one.
Hobbies is huge. When I say it's huge, I mean it's ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO YOUR LIFE! You can live solely for another person for awhile but eventually it's going to catch up to you. You need to find things that you enjoy and pursue them. I like to write. It's a hobby (and one that I haven't been very good at keeping up with honestly) but I have other interests I want to pursue as well. Some of them are on hold at the moment because of where we live but you can bet your ass once we're moved I'm going to be finding some outlets that I enjoy. You have to. Living life without doing things one finds interesting, challenging and enjoyable leads to boredom, depression, and oftentimes resent. Don't let it get that far. Find a passion and pursue it. You don't have to put other things on the back burner, especially as a caretaker when you may have a lot of down time between when you're needed. Use that time to relax your brain and explore your passions.
I don't tend to talk much or open up about my feelings. I'm a work in progress on that front but still have a god damn long ways to go. I'm aware of it but it still doesn't make it any easier to do it. I swallow and bottle and believe that my shoulders are strong enough to take on my issues and anyone else's that I care about. I suppose it's why people come to me with things. Unfortunately, while I can help them with issues I haven't always been able to help myself. I've often been so busy helping others take care of their problems, mine get masked over and I keep pushing them further and further down the list of necessary items to take care of. In this kind of life that will eventually lead to issues.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a support system. And I'm not just talking about people who'll tell you what you want to hear or just try to make you feel better, though there can be a time and place for that. I'm talking about friends and family who are the kind of people that will tell you when you're doing something wrong and are acting like a douche. The people who can see that's something isn't right and will say something or ask questions without you having to approach them. Who understand that you're not having issues because you're weak but you're having them because, like carrying a 50 lb weight on your back, eventually you get tired and have to unload that shit before continuing on. They can put your mind as easy and let you know that it's ok to let your guard down and talk to them without having to censor your feelings or thoughts. Those are the people to search out when seeking support.
I'll be honest. I don't tell my wife everything that's going on in my head and I don't expect that she does with me either. I know she's aware of that fact and I know this bothers her somewhat. We try to protect those that we love and guard them from any unnecessary hurt or concern. That's when the support system is most necessary. It allows you to get things out in the open and free your mind without causing any undo stress. Sometimes what you reveal may stay strictly between you and the one you're opening up to and other times that second point of view may reveal other approaches that allow you to open up to your loved one. That depends on many things including what the information is, the circumstances, ect.
Having a support system is very influential to the other major facet of being a caretaker: Taking care of yourself. This encompasses so many different variables that I'm not sure I can touch on them all but there are a few key ones for me. Diet, fitness, and hobbies. Here's some truth. If you're in poor health how are you going to be able to take care of someone else and insure that they're in the best health possible? You can't. If I'm cooking and eating nothing but prepackaged foods and serving fatty cakes and coke what is that going to do for us? I'm going to be tired and lethargic all the time and am likely going to end up causing myself health effects down the road. This is not conducive to insuring that my loved one is being well taken care of. Food and exercise also effects my mood and the way I conduct myself. Bad food makes be feel like shit. I notice a vast difference in my behavior when I'm eating well vs when I'm eating trash. My family notices it as well. I'm almost a different person. It's the same when I'm not injured and can exercise on a regular basis. I feel better about myself and in turn I'm a better father and husband for my family. If you're a caretaker and unaware of good diet and exercise habits, getting in touch with someone who is is vital.. Eating and moving are two necessary, yet often overlooked essentials to this lifestyle and I implore you to work toward getting on the right track for your health and your loved one.
Hobbies is huge. When I say it's huge, I mean it's ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO YOUR LIFE! You can live solely for another person for awhile but eventually it's going to catch up to you. You need to find things that you enjoy and pursue them. I like to write. It's a hobby (and one that I haven't been very good at keeping up with honestly) but I have other interests I want to pursue as well. Some of them are on hold at the moment because of where we live but you can bet your ass once we're moved I'm going to be finding some outlets that I enjoy. You have to. Living life without doing things one finds interesting, challenging and enjoyable leads to boredom, depression, and oftentimes resent. Don't let it get that far. Find a passion and pursue it. You don't have to put other things on the back burner, especially as a caretaker when you may have a lot of down time between when you're needed. Use that time to relax your brain and explore your passions.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Missing in Action
Beginning the year I set a goal to write a blog post every week. Like many New Year's goals, I made it until about a month ago and have run into failure. I hit a wall with my writing and though I've sat down to write something repeatedly, I could get nothing to come out. I wouldn't feel quite so guilty about it if I'd been writing something, somewhere but even that was a failure. But as with any failure, anywhere, where there is failure there is opportunity to learn and improve.
So what led to this particular failure. I've been stuck in my own damn head. I'm at the burn out point between Jimmy's hockey schedule, Marilyn's declining or at the very least non-improving health and shitty Dr's, and the weather we've had this winter. Cabin fever has begun to set in for everyone in the house, even the damn dog. It's March 27th and last week we had a night where it fell to -13 and we still have about four feet of snow on the ground. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy snowshoeing but when that's all that really available for you to do and you're an outside kind of person after awhile it wears on you.
But the reality is those are just excuses. They're daily obsticles to overcome and work around and that's what I've been focusing on the past couple of weeks. While I haven't written anything of record until today, I did begin writing in a daily journal once again a few days ago. It's nothing big, mostly reporting on the weather and what I did throughout the day but it's writing. And I'm finding even with that I fit in a few personal observations now and then so it's beginning to help break down some barriers.
I've been on contact with some friends with open ears. Living up where we do, so far away from my support system was rough this winter. I had no time to get away for even a day or two for over 6 months due to Jimmy's hockey schedule and that locked me in at home with no way to relieve stress or to really talk to anyone about what was going on in my head. Yes, I could talk to my wife. But that's not what I need(ed). Sometimes you need independet third parties to either listen or tell you to stop being a bitch. Those are the people I've been in contact with. A good support system isn't just there to make you feel better, it's there to pick you back up when you fall. While it's not the same as having face to face conversations, I'm very much trying to embrace the use of technology as an aid until we can move closer to those people.
Reading. This is awesome for a multitude of reasons. One is that it will help me with my writing. Writers should read. It's the best way to improve your craft and any writer will tell you that. (Believe me, I've read it 100 times at this point). Another reason why reading is so great is that it can open up your mind and make you see issues from multiple perspectives. In the past couple of weeks I've read three books which have really helped me. Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell, The Alchemist by Paulo Coehelo, and The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. All three books had great messages about living life, overcoming adversity, and goal setting. One of the main messages I received from all three was to focus on the task at hand and not worry about what's going to come later. To live in the moment. This was key to Luttrell getting through BUDS (Basic Underwater Demolition) training (Navy SEAL training for those who aren't aware) and as it was the first of the three I read it was on my mind as I read the other two. That is an area that I've always had a lot of trouble with and something I'm now striving to make a strength. Writing this post is part of that process.
Action. Trying not to sit still can be something to overcome once you hit a point of feeling stuck. The key to getting unstuck is to begin moving. Sometimes it's forward but often times you may need to retrace your steps. Moving back words can be a pain in the ass but is often a necessary pain in the ass. I had a football coach in high school that used to tell us all the time, "you have to give ground to gain ground." As I understood it then, stepping back or allowing yourself to be moved back can often put you in a better position to make a play. It's the same thing with life. Sometimes we try to push so far forward that we remove ourselves from the optimal position for reaching our goal. Recognizing this is hard but is necessary.
Keeping a positive mental attitude. Are some days going to suck? Absolutely. Am I going to get down from time to time? No doubt about it. However, in those times, if nothing else, I simply try to keep pushing. If I don't feel great on a particular day or am pissed off, I try get at least one thing done. Perhaps it's just putting the dishes in the washer or throwing in a load of laundry. By doing that, it's one less thing on my list. Even if it's simply something small, I know that when it's done I don't have to worry about it anymore and that free's my mind up a little bit. The idea of sitting to write this today seemed almost terrifying. So when I pulled out the computer I did it with the intention of just getting the first paragraph down. Once that was accomplished I did the second, and so on. I set a small, attainable goal and let it go from there. Sometimes that's all that needed to get one started.
Regardless of everything else, this winter has been a learning experience and has been fairly enlightening. Both myself and my wife have learned about of lot of things we're not overly happy with which is turn has and will continue to open up our minds in search of things that we prefer. Moving is one of those. While we like many things about our current location, it's time to move on and to find a home that's better suited to our needs. However, we tried it and I feel as though for the most part we've succeeded in what we were attempting to learn and experience living here. And as always, when times get tough, we try to step back and enjoy the simple things.
So what led to this particular failure. I've been stuck in my own damn head. I'm at the burn out point between Jimmy's hockey schedule, Marilyn's declining or at the very least non-improving health and shitty Dr's, and the weather we've had this winter. Cabin fever has begun to set in for everyone in the house, even the damn dog. It's March 27th and last week we had a night where it fell to -13 and we still have about four feet of snow on the ground. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy snowshoeing but when that's all that really available for you to do and you're an outside kind of person after awhile it wears on you.
But the reality is those are just excuses. They're daily obsticles to overcome and work around and that's what I've been focusing on the past couple of weeks. While I haven't written anything of record until today, I did begin writing in a daily journal once again a few days ago. It's nothing big, mostly reporting on the weather and what I did throughout the day but it's writing. And I'm finding even with that I fit in a few personal observations now and then so it's beginning to help break down some barriers.
I've been on contact with some friends with open ears. Living up where we do, so far away from my support system was rough this winter. I had no time to get away for even a day or two for over 6 months due to Jimmy's hockey schedule and that locked me in at home with no way to relieve stress or to really talk to anyone about what was going on in my head. Yes, I could talk to my wife. But that's not what I need(ed). Sometimes you need independet third parties to either listen or tell you to stop being a bitch. Those are the people I've been in contact with. A good support system isn't just there to make you feel better, it's there to pick you back up when you fall. While it's not the same as having face to face conversations, I'm very much trying to embrace the use of technology as an aid until we can move closer to those people.
Reading. This is awesome for a multitude of reasons. One is that it will help me with my writing. Writers should read. It's the best way to improve your craft and any writer will tell you that. (Believe me, I've read it 100 times at this point). Another reason why reading is so great is that it can open up your mind and make you see issues from multiple perspectives. In the past couple of weeks I've read three books which have really helped me. Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell, The Alchemist by Paulo Coehelo, and The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. All three books had great messages about living life, overcoming adversity, and goal setting. One of the main messages I received from all three was to focus on the task at hand and not worry about what's going to come later. To live in the moment. This was key to Luttrell getting through BUDS (Basic Underwater Demolition) training (Navy SEAL training for those who aren't aware) and as it was the first of the three I read it was on my mind as I read the other two. That is an area that I've always had a lot of trouble with and something I'm now striving to make a strength. Writing this post is part of that process.
Action. Trying not to sit still can be something to overcome once you hit a point of feeling stuck. The key to getting unstuck is to begin moving. Sometimes it's forward but often times you may need to retrace your steps. Moving back words can be a pain in the ass but is often a necessary pain in the ass. I had a football coach in high school that used to tell us all the time, "you have to give ground to gain ground." As I understood it then, stepping back or allowing yourself to be moved back can often put you in a better position to make a play. It's the same thing with life. Sometimes we try to push so far forward that we remove ourselves from the optimal position for reaching our goal. Recognizing this is hard but is necessary.
Keeping a positive mental attitude. Are some days going to suck? Absolutely. Am I going to get down from time to time? No doubt about it. However, in those times, if nothing else, I simply try to keep pushing. If I don't feel great on a particular day or am pissed off, I try get at least one thing done. Perhaps it's just putting the dishes in the washer or throwing in a load of laundry. By doing that, it's one less thing on my list. Even if it's simply something small, I know that when it's done I don't have to worry about it anymore and that free's my mind up a little bit. The idea of sitting to write this today seemed almost terrifying. So when I pulled out the computer I did it with the intention of just getting the first paragraph down. Once that was accomplished I did the second, and so on. I set a small, attainable goal and let it go from there. Sometimes that's all that needed to get one started.
Regardless of everything else, this winter has been a learning experience and has been fairly enlightening. Both myself and my wife have learned about of lot of things we're not overly happy with which is turn has and will continue to open up our minds in search of things that we prefer. Moving is one of those. While we like many things about our current location, it's time to move on and to find a home that's better suited to our needs. However, we tried it and I feel as though for the most part we've succeeded in what we were attempting to learn and experience living here. And as always, when times get tough, we try to step back and enjoy the simple things.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
A New Endeavor
This is a little early in the process but I'm pretty excited so I thought why the hell not write about the beginning of this new endeavor and then perhaps do some updates along the way? I am, after all, the king/president/CEO of this blog and since I don't have shareholders I can do whatever the hell I want right?! I'm pretty positive I can relate this to my life as a caretaker (not that I have to for above mentioned King reasons) and perhaps break some stigma about men doing what is normally seen as a woman's activity. So, what exactly have I begun? Yoga.
So why would I begin yoga? Well, I'll get to that. First off I should probably describe myself a little further. I'm 6'0" - 6'1" depending on the day, currently 280ish pounds, tattooed, bearded. I look like a lumberjack basically. Some day's people would probably swear that I'm simply making my yearly visit to town from my cabin in the woods. Not exactly the key demographic for those marketing their yoga business. However, what I did have was a serious interest in doing something that could help my recover from some previous injuries and perhaps learn how to calm and relieve myself from stress. And that, I believe is a key when deciding to learn this practice.
When I made the decision to do this I knew I didn't want to simply sign up for a class and try to learn with 15 or 20 other people. Since this is such a serious departure from anything I've ever done fitness wise, I wanted some one on one instruction so I could learn properly and if I had questions, get them answered immediately so I could apply the lessons. Originally I attempted to contact a local instructor but after weeks of attempting to arrange a time to meet without success, I decided to go in a new direction. Funny how things work out. My current instructor was recommended by a friend of the wife and I and it's worked out great! She's very knowledgeable and only goes as fast as I'm ready for. Sometimes this means we can breeze right through a lesson and other times we slow down and make it work for me. Since we're beginning from the ground up the first classes have had a lot of focus on proper breathing with only a couple of different poses. However, it hasn't taken long for me to learn that what seems like the most simple of movements, when done properly, can make your whole body work. The best example of this was the other day. She had me doing a pose that basically looked like I was standing still. However, because of the way she had be moving each muscle in about two minutes the sweat was starting to roll off my forehead. Pretty awesome.
Like I said, I'm only a couple of classes in so this is just the beginning. But I'm hooked. I already can't wait to get back to it this week. After the classes I feel better, more relaxed. This is not to say that I want to give up weight training in the future. On the contrary, one of my biggest motivations in doing yoga is to rebuild my body so I can return to pushing, pulling, and moving heavy pieces of iron. Even then though, I realize I want yoga to become a part of my life and Marilyn and I have been discussing getting her involved as well.
So where does all this come into play in my caretaking roll? First, the better I understand and am able to do the breathing techniques, the better I'll be able to relax and the better I'll be able to respond in high stress situations. Second, the healthier I am physically the better it is for the family as a whole. Having much of the responsibility for doing things that require me to use my body, if I'm broke down it puts us all in a bad situation. The better and more freely my body is able to move, the less likely I am to become injured and as a bonus because my nervous system won't be firing unnecessarily all the time in response to pain and discomfort, the more energy I'll have. I suppose I could continue talking about all the benefits to the body and how they relate to one another but damn that would take multiple posts and more research for medical terminology than I have time for. Basically becoming involved in yoga has the benefits you see and the ones you don't.
Sometimes it's necessary for all of us to step outside of comfort zone to learn or become involved in things that have potential benefit. For me exercise and fitness has generally revolved around weightlifting and running and I tended to not pay attention to stretching and such. It's come back to bite me in the ass now obviously. However, there are tools to fix this and to not take advantage because of some ridiculous belief that it will somehow make me less masculine or whatever BS, would be plain stupidity. I challenge everyone reading this to do one thing this week that you're interested in but have been holding off on for whatever reason. Perhaps you won't like it but perhaps, just perhaps, you'll find something that you thoroughly enjoy.
So why would I begin yoga? Well, I'll get to that. First off I should probably describe myself a little further. I'm 6'0" - 6'1" depending on the day, currently 280ish pounds, tattooed, bearded. I look like a lumberjack basically. Some day's people would probably swear that I'm simply making my yearly visit to town from my cabin in the woods. Not exactly the key demographic for those marketing their yoga business. However, what I did have was a serious interest in doing something that could help my recover from some previous injuries and perhaps learn how to calm and relieve myself from stress. And that, I believe is a key when deciding to learn this practice.
When I made the decision to do this I knew I didn't want to simply sign up for a class and try to learn with 15 or 20 other people. Since this is such a serious departure from anything I've ever done fitness wise, I wanted some one on one instruction so I could learn properly and if I had questions, get them answered immediately so I could apply the lessons. Originally I attempted to contact a local instructor but after weeks of attempting to arrange a time to meet without success, I decided to go in a new direction. Funny how things work out. My current instructor was recommended by a friend of the wife and I and it's worked out great! She's very knowledgeable and only goes as fast as I'm ready for. Sometimes this means we can breeze right through a lesson and other times we slow down and make it work for me. Since we're beginning from the ground up the first classes have had a lot of focus on proper breathing with only a couple of different poses. However, it hasn't taken long for me to learn that what seems like the most simple of movements, when done properly, can make your whole body work. The best example of this was the other day. She had me doing a pose that basically looked like I was standing still. However, because of the way she had be moving each muscle in about two minutes the sweat was starting to roll off my forehead. Pretty awesome.
Like I said, I'm only a couple of classes in so this is just the beginning. But I'm hooked. I already can't wait to get back to it this week. After the classes I feel better, more relaxed. This is not to say that I want to give up weight training in the future. On the contrary, one of my biggest motivations in doing yoga is to rebuild my body so I can return to pushing, pulling, and moving heavy pieces of iron. Even then though, I realize I want yoga to become a part of my life and Marilyn and I have been discussing getting her involved as well.
So where does all this come into play in my caretaking roll? First, the better I understand and am able to do the breathing techniques, the better I'll be able to relax and the better I'll be able to respond in high stress situations. Second, the healthier I am physically the better it is for the family as a whole. Having much of the responsibility for doing things that require me to use my body, if I'm broke down it puts us all in a bad situation. The better and more freely my body is able to move, the less likely I am to become injured and as a bonus because my nervous system won't be firing unnecessarily all the time in response to pain and discomfort, the more energy I'll have. I suppose I could continue talking about all the benefits to the body and how they relate to one another but damn that would take multiple posts and more research for medical terminology than I have time for. Basically becoming involved in yoga has the benefits you see and the ones you don't.
Sometimes it's necessary for all of us to step outside of comfort zone to learn or become involved in things that have potential benefit. For me exercise and fitness has generally revolved around weightlifting and running and I tended to not pay attention to stretching and such. It's come back to bite me in the ass now obviously. However, there are tools to fix this and to not take advantage because of some ridiculous belief that it will somehow make me less masculine or whatever BS, would be plain stupidity. I challenge everyone reading this to do one thing this week that you're interested in but have been holding off on for whatever reason. Perhaps you won't like it but perhaps, just perhaps, you'll find something that you thoroughly enjoy.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Changing Times
Before I begin, if you don't like foul language, this weeks post may not be for you. However, if you like curse words used within the context of describing what are person's not good at and why; stick around cause I'm ready to lay some shit down for your benefit.
Becoming a caretaker, husband, and step-father all within two years has been quite the departure from single man hood. I went from a small two bedroom apartment in which I was surrounded by nothing but man things; i.e. pint glasses with beer manufactures printed on them, pictures of athletes on the walls, dishes enough for a couple of people, camo hanging in the closet next to my suits, to now living in a fully functional house complete with family pictures on the walls, a youth hockey schedule on the fridge next to graded papers, and whole range of glasses that have no alcohol affiliation on them. The four wheel drive pickup truck I drove everyday has been replaced with an SUV (still have the truck, just not the money to make the necessary repairs). And obviously the 'do what I want when I want' mentality has been replaced with, 'what's on the agenda today'. And you know what, I wouldn't go back to those other days in a second. I love my life. However, what I've found is that I'm much better at some things in this new life than others...
Like most people, I have my strengths and weaknesses. I'm not going to get into my strengths here because well, it's boring to listen to people talk about what they're good at. What's not boring, is to listen to someone talk about and describe what they suck at! Be honest with yourself, you know you've laughed when listening to someone going into detail about situations that were an absolute disaster. So what are my weaknesses in my new life. First off cleaning. I fucking suck at it. Most of the time the house looks like a god damn bomb went off. There is almost always dirty laundry stacked in front of the washing machine and clean laundry in baskets in the living and bedrooms. It's gotten to the point I've thought about doing the laundry nude just so I can know what it's like to have every piece of clothing in the house clean, folded, and put away. Well maybe I'll wear a tie if I ever do. I could feel a little more professional that way...But I digress. It's the same thing with the dishes. We have a relatively small kitchen and more than one occasion I've planned dinner around the fact there were simply too many dishes to do in order to cook a proper meal. Yes, I just said that. But when it's 6pm and you know it'll take you an hour to wash all the dishes because you're slower than molasses going up hill on a cold day doing them and the dishwasher works so well it takes two fucking hours to complete a cycle, other arrangements become kinda necessary. And yes, the idea of simply having the dog clean every plate for me has, in-fact, cross my mind on more than one occasion.
We live in an old style log cabin so everything is always covered in dust and spiderwebs. There's dog hair on the floor from the 80 lb Shepard running around, and a couple piles of shit that we don't want or need anymore in different corners of the house. Marilyn's pottery studio has moved from just being on the porch to taking up a large area of the hallway and area next to the kitchen. And clutter, holy fuck me running do we have clutter! It's like a clutter bomb went off in this sum bitch and every time I clean it up and reorganize something new takes it's place quickly after. I'm not even sure where have the shit comes from. I don't buy anything to speak of and yet, shit appears out of the blue. I swear sometimes ghosts are running around this place just dropping shit they find in other houses they're haunting just to mind fuck me. But these all pale in comparison to my true nemesis...the thing that drives me more insane than anything....COOKING!
I HATE, HATE, HATE COOKING!!. I hate cooking more than the New York Yankees. As an avid Red Sox fan that's saying something. The question, "what are we having for dinner" makes me want to insert ski poles into my ears and have someone take a damn hammer to each of them to insure they don't come back out. Of all the things I ever did to my mother growing up, uttering those words are the ones I'm most regretful for because I now understand how intensely insane the question can drive a person. How the holy hell my grandmother put up with my grandfather asking it for 50 years is beyond me. I praise the lord (well I would if I was religious) that she didn't kill him in a fit of insanity one afternoon after he asked it. It's not the fact that I'm a bad cook because I'm actually not, it's the act of cooking itself I don't like. Perhaps it's a patience thing. Just standing there waiting for things to get to the point where you remove, flip, ect. But there's something. Quite honestly, it's likely one of the reasons why I have trouble eating enough (apparently in order to lose weight it's recommend that you eat if you're an active person. I understand the basic principles but if you want more detail I'll leave you to google for that), I simply don't want to cook anymore than I have to. Now, before you get all freaked out, life is full of things that we must do that we don't enjoy, so yes I do cook and I cook mostly from scratch. There's a few nights here and there that pre-made food; chicken fingers, fries, ect, end up on the menu but it's not very often. I don't want that shit entering my body so I obviously don't want to feed it to my family for the most part either.
So there you have it. A 6'+ tall, 275 lb bearded male who prefers to be outdoors participating in sports and working with his hands doesn't enjoy doing housework everyday. Kind of shocking isn't it? Regardless, we do the best we can around here and make sure that the home is safe and everyone is well fed. I'm certainly no Martha Stewart or Mr. Belvedere but I suppose it could be worse. I look forward to winter being gone and being able to sit out on the porch with some steaks on the grill and a cold beer in my hand. That's some cooking I don't mind. Until that time however, I'll continue to plug away at projects that never end and wonder how the hell the woman in my life have done it all these years without putting me in the hospital or in the ground. My only guess, even if being a homemaker isn't my strong suit I must be good for something!
Becoming a caretaker, husband, and step-father all within two years has been quite the departure from single man hood. I went from a small two bedroom apartment in which I was surrounded by nothing but man things; i.e. pint glasses with beer manufactures printed on them, pictures of athletes on the walls, dishes enough for a couple of people, camo hanging in the closet next to my suits, to now living in a fully functional house complete with family pictures on the walls, a youth hockey schedule on the fridge next to graded papers, and whole range of glasses that have no alcohol affiliation on them. The four wheel drive pickup truck I drove everyday has been replaced with an SUV (still have the truck, just not the money to make the necessary repairs). And obviously the 'do what I want when I want' mentality has been replaced with, 'what's on the agenda today'. And you know what, I wouldn't go back to those other days in a second. I love my life. However, what I've found is that I'm much better at some things in this new life than others...
Like most people, I have my strengths and weaknesses. I'm not going to get into my strengths here because well, it's boring to listen to people talk about what they're good at. What's not boring, is to listen to someone talk about and describe what they suck at! Be honest with yourself, you know you've laughed when listening to someone going into detail about situations that were an absolute disaster. So what are my weaknesses in my new life. First off cleaning. I fucking suck at it. Most of the time the house looks like a god damn bomb went off. There is almost always dirty laundry stacked in front of the washing machine and clean laundry in baskets in the living and bedrooms. It's gotten to the point I've thought about doing the laundry nude just so I can know what it's like to have every piece of clothing in the house clean, folded, and put away. Well maybe I'll wear a tie if I ever do. I could feel a little more professional that way...But I digress. It's the same thing with the dishes. We have a relatively small kitchen and more than one occasion I've planned dinner around the fact there were simply too many dishes to do in order to cook a proper meal. Yes, I just said that. But when it's 6pm and you know it'll take you an hour to wash all the dishes because you're slower than molasses going up hill on a cold day doing them and the dishwasher works so well it takes two fucking hours to complete a cycle, other arrangements become kinda necessary. And yes, the idea of simply having the dog clean every plate for me has, in-fact, cross my mind on more than one occasion.
We live in an old style log cabin so everything is always covered in dust and spiderwebs. There's dog hair on the floor from the 80 lb Shepard running around, and a couple piles of shit that we don't want or need anymore in different corners of the house. Marilyn's pottery studio has moved from just being on the porch to taking up a large area of the hallway and area next to the kitchen. And clutter, holy fuck me running do we have clutter! It's like a clutter bomb went off in this sum bitch and every time I clean it up and reorganize something new takes it's place quickly after. I'm not even sure where have the shit comes from. I don't buy anything to speak of and yet, shit appears out of the blue. I swear sometimes ghosts are running around this place just dropping shit they find in other houses they're haunting just to mind fuck me. But these all pale in comparison to my true nemesis...the thing that drives me more insane than anything....COOKING!
I HATE, HATE, HATE COOKING!!. I hate cooking more than the New York Yankees. As an avid Red Sox fan that's saying something. The question, "what are we having for dinner" makes me want to insert ski poles into my ears and have someone take a damn hammer to each of them to insure they don't come back out. Of all the things I ever did to my mother growing up, uttering those words are the ones I'm most regretful for because I now understand how intensely insane the question can drive a person. How the holy hell my grandmother put up with my grandfather asking it for 50 years is beyond me. I praise the lord (well I would if I was religious) that she didn't kill him in a fit of insanity one afternoon after he asked it. It's not the fact that I'm a bad cook because I'm actually not, it's the act of cooking itself I don't like. Perhaps it's a patience thing. Just standing there waiting for things to get to the point where you remove, flip, ect. But there's something. Quite honestly, it's likely one of the reasons why I have trouble eating enough (apparently in order to lose weight it's recommend that you eat if you're an active person. I understand the basic principles but if you want more detail I'll leave you to google for that), I simply don't want to cook anymore than I have to. Now, before you get all freaked out, life is full of things that we must do that we don't enjoy, so yes I do cook and I cook mostly from scratch. There's a few nights here and there that pre-made food; chicken fingers, fries, ect, end up on the menu but it's not very often. I don't want that shit entering my body so I obviously don't want to feed it to my family for the most part either.
So there you have it. A 6'+ tall, 275 lb bearded male who prefers to be outdoors participating in sports and working with his hands doesn't enjoy doing housework everyday. Kind of shocking isn't it? Regardless, we do the best we can around here and make sure that the home is safe and everyone is well fed. I'm certainly no Martha Stewart or Mr. Belvedere but I suppose it could be worse. I look forward to winter being gone and being able to sit out on the porch with some steaks on the grill and a cold beer in my hand. That's some cooking I don't mind. Until that time however, I'll continue to plug away at projects that never end and wonder how the hell the woman in my life have done it all these years without putting me in the hospital or in the ground. My only guess, even if being a homemaker isn't my strong suit I must be good for something!
Monday, February 3, 2014
Fear
We all have fear though it could be different from person to person. I'm certainly no different. One of my biggest fears is being trapped under the ice. Given that I live in a cold climate and ice fishing and snowmobiling is a big part of the culture here it's not an entirely crazy fear to have either. I don't have the money to snowmobile but I am looking to get into ice fishing by next winter so it will be necessary for me to work on that fear at some point.
But that's not the fear I'm talking about. The fear I'm referring to in this post is something I don't talk about with my wife or anyone else. Something that may upset her when she reads it here because while I'm pretty sure she's aware it exists, I shut down the one time she attempted to discuss it with me. It's something I keep buried down into the deepest bowels of myself and it only comes out to play now and again, mostly so I can mentally prepare for it. The fear I'm talking about is the fear that whatever her medical problems are, if continued to go unsolved, could someday take her from me much faster than I want or am planning.
Her seizures only play a small part. I'm well aware that they have the potential to be catastrophic. I had a classmate pass away from a seizure in her sleep not long after we graduated. It's why I'm on my toes and don't sleep if the dog is alerting or I feel a change in her body chemistry indicating that a seizure may be coming along. Why I monitor her breathing after she's had one. Why, on nights when she's not feeling well and her breathing becomes shallow I monitor her for hours. Why, in the past, I've done subtle things that will create a response while she's sleeping just so I can make sure she's aware enough to move on her own.
So what do I do and how do I manage this fear? I push it down, I don't talk about it, and I only let it come out to play once in a while. I use to prepare and train myself. In those times I run through scenario after scenario of what ifs to be prepared in the event I have to jump into action. I use to as much as I can to be mentally and physically prepared.
I know I should probably talk about such things more, if not with my wife than with someone else but I won't. You're probably wondering why, which is certainly a valid question. So here's my thoughts on this. Fear can suck and it can wear you down and bring along a whole host of others problems. However, fear, if harnessed, can also be a benefit. Fear keeps you own your toes, makes you react quicker, and can make you work harder and pay more attention to your surroundings and whats taking place around you if you're prepared for it. That's how I see this fear. For me it's a trade off. As I mentioned above, it's not a constant just something that comes up from time to time and in those times I try to use it to make myself better and make my family safer. It's not fun, can be quite upsetting, and not something I'd ever want for other people but in our life I find it to be a necessity.
I'm not even sure why I chose to go with this topic this week. I guess it was because I had one of those 'pop up' late last week and it's on the brain. Like many thoughts, they come in the quite moments when you're all alone with nothing but your own brain to keep you company. I don't have PTSD and honestly I think this pales in comparison but it is something I deal with on a regular basis. I'm not sure if others in similar situations do as well but if that's the case I hope while reading they realize they're not alone and it's ok. It's ok to have fear, it's ok to be unsure of what you're feeling and why. It's ok to seek help and someone to talk to if you need it and it's ok to hold it close if you feel that's what's right. Regardless of the path you choose to take, you need to do what's right for you and what you feel is most beneficial but I would recommend keeping a close eye on yourself for signs that it has become too much. Remember, if you're unable to take care of yourself it's going to be hard to take care of your loved one.
But that's not the fear I'm talking about. The fear I'm referring to in this post is something I don't talk about with my wife or anyone else. Something that may upset her when she reads it here because while I'm pretty sure she's aware it exists, I shut down the one time she attempted to discuss it with me. It's something I keep buried down into the deepest bowels of myself and it only comes out to play now and again, mostly so I can mentally prepare for it. The fear I'm talking about is the fear that whatever her medical problems are, if continued to go unsolved, could someday take her from me much faster than I want or am planning.
Her seizures only play a small part. I'm well aware that they have the potential to be catastrophic. I had a classmate pass away from a seizure in her sleep not long after we graduated. It's why I'm on my toes and don't sleep if the dog is alerting or I feel a change in her body chemistry indicating that a seizure may be coming along. Why I monitor her breathing after she's had one. Why, on nights when she's not feeling well and her breathing becomes shallow I monitor her for hours. Why, in the past, I've done subtle things that will create a response while she's sleeping just so I can make sure she's aware enough to move on her own.
So what do I do and how do I manage this fear? I push it down, I don't talk about it, and I only let it come out to play once in a while. I use to prepare and train myself. In those times I run through scenario after scenario of what ifs to be prepared in the event I have to jump into action. I use to as much as I can to be mentally and physically prepared.
I know I should probably talk about such things more, if not with my wife than with someone else but I won't. You're probably wondering why, which is certainly a valid question. So here's my thoughts on this. Fear can suck and it can wear you down and bring along a whole host of others problems. However, fear, if harnessed, can also be a benefit. Fear keeps you own your toes, makes you react quicker, and can make you work harder and pay more attention to your surroundings and whats taking place around you if you're prepared for it. That's how I see this fear. For me it's a trade off. As I mentioned above, it's not a constant just something that comes up from time to time and in those times I try to use it to make myself better and make my family safer. It's not fun, can be quite upsetting, and not something I'd ever want for other people but in our life I find it to be a necessity.
I'm not even sure why I chose to go with this topic this week. I guess it was because I had one of those 'pop up' late last week and it's on the brain. Like many thoughts, they come in the quite moments when you're all alone with nothing but your own brain to keep you company. I don't have PTSD and honestly I think this pales in comparison but it is something I deal with on a regular basis. I'm not sure if others in similar situations do as well but if that's the case I hope while reading they realize they're not alone and it's ok. It's ok to have fear, it's ok to be unsure of what you're feeling and why. It's ok to seek help and someone to talk to if you need it and it's ok to hold it close if you feel that's what's right. Regardless of the path you choose to take, you need to do what's right for you and what you feel is most beneficial but I would recommend keeping a close eye on yourself for signs that it has become too much. Remember, if you're unable to take care of yourself it's going to be hard to take care of your loved one.
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