Before I get into the actual subject of my post, I noticed the other day that while I've been not sharing our actual identity since I began this blog over a year ago, I hadn't turned off the feature that showed my real name at the bottom. Whoops! LOL. I guess using fake names is kind of out at this point so before I go any further, I figured I'll go ahead and let any readers know that my name is actually Justin. My wife is Shawna not Marilyn, my step-son is Caden not Jimmy (though his getting himself in hot water like Jimmy Neutron still stands) and our dogs name is Kane. From here forward I figure there's no sense in keeping it quiet since more and more people are associating the blog with me anyways. Who knows, perhaps I'll actually share it myself at some point..
So, back to the topic at hand. Because of where we live, Shawna is involved in the ARCH program which means that essentially the VA sub contracts out Dr.s for her to visit closer to our home since we live 250 miles away from the nearest VA hospital (Togus) and about 200 miles away from the nearest VA facility (Bangor). This could and is changing for everyone I believe as a new law that's passed will allow military veterans to see Dr's outside the VA if you live further than 40 miles, but it hasn't yet. Anyways, this is how we ended up with her last neurologist, the one I was bitching about a few months ago. Thankfully she left and is no longer practicing in the area so we don't have to visit her ignorant ass ever again. This left us with an issue however. My wife had no neurologist in the area. So, the VA scheduled her to go to Togus to see the one she had previously. Being that it's a 500 mile, 10 hour round trip we'd decided to cancel said appointment but as of Thursday hadn't yet done so.
Then I spoke to our home care nurse on Thursday afternoon...I'm so very glad that I did! Shawna and I had been discussing for awhile going outside the VA to get the opinion of someone not associated with them. If I have to tell you why we felt it may be a good idea to do so, please do yourself a favor and google 'VA scandals'. With this in mind we decided to take some advice and see a certain neuro located in Presque Isle and to cancel the appointment at Togus on Friday to save the headache that is traveling that freakin far. However, after speaking to our nurse, we decided to make the trip. We'd be seeing her old Dr, the one she had when she originally arrived back in Maine, and if nothing else we'd be in a better place to get her the second opinion from the neurologist in PI. It was the best decision we could have made!
I, and I think my wife as well, entered into the appointment very apprehensive. Our last appointment with her a year and a half or two years ago hadn't gone particurally well and I left there being quite pissed off. It was the beginning of my experiences hearing the term "pseudoseizures" thrown about with no real evidence other than they couldn't figure the cause of her symptoms. I was expecting more of the same and figured the appointment was going to take about 20 minutes and then we'd be on our way annoyed we'd driven so far to hear a bunch of bullshit...Now, if there's one thing I was taught it's that when you're right you stand your ground and when you're wrong you admit it and take whatever necessary actions are required. Thankfully, in this case a simple admission will do. Because, boy, was I ever WRONG!
Our appointment was nothing short of amazing! By far the best doctors appointment I been to with Shawna. What we were saying was being listened too, she was answering questions before we could ask them, she was giving us information as to what possible problems there may be, we have four or five new tests that Shawna is going to be taking. AND, I think best of all for my wife, the doctor was believing the things she was saying! I was floored and excited at the same time. When I described Shawna's seizures she listened and said, and I want to quote this, "those are not pseudo seizures. Those are tonic." I was so fucking happy that someone finally listened to what I had been saying for two years I almost hollered"'WOOOOO HOOO!" And for my wife to be validated, well that felt equally as good as I swear I saw about 50lbs fall off her back. Apparently in the nearly two years since our last visit to her, she's had multiple people come in from Shawna's generation of service with similar symptoms. This led her to the conclusion that while a single person experiencing these health issues could possibly be psychological in nature, to have multiple people complaining of the same problems pointed to something else entirely. It was a validation for my wife that she definitely needed. And to top it all off, not only did she not chastise Shawna for using natural supplements to help with her pain, tremors, and seizure prevention; she encouraged her to continue and actually asked for more information about them and who makes them so she could do further research! Never in my life have a seen a doctor of any kind do that.
So, where are we going from here. We'll be going to see another neuro that's located closer to us to get their opinion as well. We'll get Shawna signed up for the testing though it could take awhile because with Caden starting back to school this week it's difficult to make trips where we could be gone for days unless he's on vacation. She'll continue with the natural treatments and take what tests we can arrange locally and both of us will push forward with our own research so we have questions to ask when we attend appointments. Though there is obviously still no diagnosis, for the first time since I've met my wife is feels as though there is some hope at the end of the tunnel. And that, that is one hell of a great feeling.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Learning
By now I'm sure you've all heard about the passing of actor/comedian Robin Williams last week. Unbeknownst to the general public at the time, Mr. Williams had suffered from depression on and off for years before taking his own life. It's an event that's played out all too often, especially among veterans.
As I've stated previously in this blog, I myself, am not a veteran. However, I retain close relationships with many within my family, friends, and other social circles. Because of this and my desire to study and understand human behavior, I'm often involved in conversations and reading material from a variety of sources that pertain to the military and stories and accounts of aftercare, the VA, ect. While I can, in no-way, have a perfect or complete understanding of military life or many of the post-service problems that arise, by educating myself as much as possible I'm enabled to better receive and communicate with my friends and family when and if I'm require too. Being that I'm married to and a caretaker for a veteran, this course of action has helped me to help her to the best of my ability many times over.
It is currently estimated that 22 veterans in the United States commit suicide every day. Twenty Two... That equates to 8030 veteran suicides a year. It's a number that seems so unbelievably high that it nearly betrays belief. However, that's 8030 families that are all too aware of exactly how believable it is. In the past few days I've seen the same question come up over and over. Why is the suicide of Robin Williams making so much news both in this country and around the world while the veteran suicide rate seems to be nothing more than a blip on the radar? I hope I can at least give a partial answer, or at least display some intelligence while conveying what my thoughts are.
The one main thing that Williams had that most, if not all the veterans don't have, is the vast connection with so many others. I'm not referring to family or friend connections. Williams connected with people all over the world. They saw him in movies, on tv, doing comedy, and making trips overseas to entertain the troops. He was very likable and came across as approachable. He was someone who you felt like you'd want to know. And he was real. He wasn't surrounded by a hoard of hangers on and didn't speak in the third person. When you saw him do an interview you felt as if you knew him. And that's why I believe his death has resonated with people the way it has. You felt as though you lost someone you knew personally. I never have much of a response to the death of a celebrity, suicide or otherwise. But Williams death was different, it did mean something to me.
Seeing Dead Poets Society when I was in my early teens and then again as I got older, made me think about things in a different way and perhaps in someways shaped the way I've made decisions in life. That's no small feat for anyone. The only other people that have had the effect on my life are my family and closest friends. You see, I don't think that his death is important to people simply because he's a celebrity; I think it's important to people because in some way he had an impact on their life. I'm positive all of the 22 vets who commit suicide daily have had impacts on the lives of others also, but it's not seen and therefore doesn't seem as personal. I don't believe that most people think losing 22 vets per day is unimportant, but it is my belief that they don't hold the same personal connection they felt with the Williams death and therefore it's simply not as important in their lives. This is not to degrade them or discount their service, it's simply human nature to react differently to the death of someone depending on the impact they've had in our lives.
A couple of years ago, perennial Pro-Bowl selection and likely future NFL Hall-Of-Famer Junior Seau committed suicide. He did so in a way that his brain would be left to science to be examined. At the time, the link between multiple blows to the head, TBI, and depression was still in it's infancy. There had been other former players that had also committed suicide but it was his death that awoke the public consciousness. Why? He had name recognition yes, but he also presented him self as a very likable person. An every man who was living his dream and unlike many athletes, who showed up to work hard everyday because he was aware of how lucky he was to be in that position. The news of his death hit the sports world like wild fire and then transferred over to the public at large. Since then a mountain of data has become available on the connection between TBI and emotions and strides are being made in treating people not only on the athletic field of play, but those involved in accidents involving head trauma as well as injuries received on the battlefield. Had it not been for his popularity and name recognition scientists might still be attempting to make the connections.
Why would I bring this up? Because I'm hoping the same thing can happen with the death of Robin Williams. Perhaps we can finally release depression from the prision of taboo subjects and some strides can be made as to the how's and why's and treatments that help solve the issues rather than simply treat the symptoms can become available. That soldiers and others can get the treatments they need without having to deal with the social stigma. If, after all, a man who seemed so happy and alive and took so much joy bringing others happiness can fall prey to such a horrible disease, can't anyone? It's time we knock down the barriers and have some open and honest conversations with each other about this disease. It's time we stopped looking at those with depression as somehow broken or unfit and realize that it can truly happened to anyone, soldiers and civilians alike. It's time we look around at each other and realize that it doesn't take that much fucking effort to ask someone how they're doing, to pick up the phone and give them a call, to tell them you're there to listen if they need you, or to simply tell them you love and care about them. And you know what, if the depression caused suicide of Robin Williams helps us to achieve those goals and others I'm likely forgetting, than the attention that his death has brought can't be a bad thing.
As I've stated previously in this blog, I myself, am not a veteran. However, I retain close relationships with many within my family, friends, and other social circles. Because of this and my desire to study and understand human behavior, I'm often involved in conversations and reading material from a variety of sources that pertain to the military and stories and accounts of aftercare, the VA, ect. While I can, in no-way, have a perfect or complete understanding of military life or many of the post-service problems that arise, by educating myself as much as possible I'm enabled to better receive and communicate with my friends and family when and if I'm require too. Being that I'm married to and a caretaker for a veteran, this course of action has helped me to help her to the best of my ability many times over.
It is currently estimated that 22 veterans in the United States commit suicide every day. Twenty Two... That equates to 8030 veteran suicides a year. It's a number that seems so unbelievably high that it nearly betrays belief. However, that's 8030 families that are all too aware of exactly how believable it is. In the past few days I've seen the same question come up over and over. Why is the suicide of Robin Williams making so much news both in this country and around the world while the veteran suicide rate seems to be nothing more than a blip on the radar? I hope I can at least give a partial answer, or at least display some intelligence while conveying what my thoughts are.
The one main thing that Williams had that most, if not all the veterans don't have, is the vast connection with so many others. I'm not referring to family or friend connections. Williams connected with people all over the world. They saw him in movies, on tv, doing comedy, and making trips overseas to entertain the troops. He was very likable and came across as approachable. He was someone who you felt like you'd want to know. And he was real. He wasn't surrounded by a hoard of hangers on and didn't speak in the third person. When you saw him do an interview you felt as if you knew him. And that's why I believe his death has resonated with people the way it has. You felt as though you lost someone you knew personally. I never have much of a response to the death of a celebrity, suicide or otherwise. But Williams death was different, it did mean something to me.
Seeing Dead Poets Society when I was in my early teens and then again as I got older, made me think about things in a different way and perhaps in someways shaped the way I've made decisions in life. That's no small feat for anyone. The only other people that have had the effect on my life are my family and closest friends. You see, I don't think that his death is important to people simply because he's a celebrity; I think it's important to people because in some way he had an impact on their life. I'm positive all of the 22 vets who commit suicide daily have had impacts on the lives of others also, but it's not seen and therefore doesn't seem as personal. I don't believe that most people think losing 22 vets per day is unimportant, but it is my belief that they don't hold the same personal connection they felt with the Williams death and therefore it's simply not as important in their lives. This is not to degrade them or discount their service, it's simply human nature to react differently to the death of someone depending on the impact they've had in our lives.
A couple of years ago, perennial Pro-Bowl selection and likely future NFL Hall-Of-Famer Junior Seau committed suicide. He did so in a way that his brain would be left to science to be examined. At the time, the link between multiple blows to the head, TBI, and depression was still in it's infancy. There had been other former players that had also committed suicide but it was his death that awoke the public consciousness. Why? He had name recognition yes, but he also presented him self as a very likable person. An every man who was living his dream and unlike many athletes, who showed up to work hard everyday because he was aware of how lucky he was to be in that position. The news of his death hit the sports world like wild fire and then transferred over to the public at large. Since then a mountain of data has become available on the connection between TBI and emotions and strides are being made in treating people not only on the athletic field of play, but those involved in accidents involving head trauma as well as injuries received on the battlefield. Had it not been for his popularity and name recognition scientists might still be attempting to make the connections.
Why would I bring this up? Because I'm hoping the same thing can happen with the death of Robin Williams. Perhaps we can finally release depression from the prision of taboo subjects and some strides can be made as to the how's and why's and treatments that help solve the issues rather than simply treat the symptoms can become available. That soldiers and others can get the treatments they need without having to deal with the social stigma. If, after all, a man who seemed so happy and alive and took so much joy bringing others happiness can fall prey to such a horrible disease, can't anyone? It's time we knock down the barriers and have some open and honest conversations with each other about this disease. It's time we stopped looking at those with depression as somehow broken or unfit and realize that it can truly happened to anyone, soldiers and civilians alike. It's time we look around at each other and realize that it doesn't take that much fucking effort to ask someone how they're doing, to pick up the phone and give them a call, to tell them you're there to listen if they need you, or to simply tell them you love and care about them. And you know what, if the depression caused suicide of Robin Williams helps us to achieve those goals and others I'm likely forgetting, than the attention that his death has brought can't be a bad thing.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Busy Summer
I've been away from this for far too long. The truth is this summer has been crazy busy but it's not that I couldn't have found a few minutes here and there to get a post written, it's that when I've sat to write I ended up thinking about a million other things and posts don't get finished. I have four of them that are half done currently and awaiting me to finish and post them. So how is it that this one got written? I have a limited need to come up with original thought as I'm basically recapping what's happened. LOL. It's much easier to simply put down what I've/we've been up to with basically not commentary about it.
Jimmy was supposed to spend the summer with his dad but that got cut short three weeks in. Middle school football up here starts in the middle of the summer not at the end like we were anticipating so it required him to come back 5 weeks early. This was an understandable bummer for him and his dad and step mom but all of us want Jimmy to be able to participate in things he enjoys and he's been talking about playing football for over a year so we made it happen. I'm hoping when the season is over we can get him an extra weekend or two down there before the next sports season arrives.
Marilyn has joined the local American Legion and been super busy with her pottery. It's grown to the point where we can barely contain it in the house! She has 3 huge projects going on right now that need to all be complete in the next couple months so there are days when we barely see each other. First up on the list? Completing a new sculpture piece that will be unveiled at Freedom Fest next month.
Speaking of Freedom Fest, she and I have both become involved with volunteering to help insure it's success. She's been coming up with some great ideas and seeing them through and I've been volunteering time to help get the venue ready for the all day event that will be raising money to build a new Veteran Center in the area. So many people from different walks of life are coming together to help this thing go off as smoothly as possible, it's truly been a great experience. In the next couple of days or weeks I'll hopefully have another post dedicated to the event itself.
Since we're staying here at least another year, I've been busy at work trying to get our firewood for the year. It's definitely a more difficult task with no tractor to help get the wood out but it's coming along. Along with the daily chores and other things that pop up it's certainly been a busy summer thus far with no signs of slowing down. Hopefully my brain will begin to though because it's hard to become a writer when you don't write.
Jimmy was supposed to spend the summer with his dad but that got cut short three weeks in. Middle school football up here starts in the middle of the summer not at the end like we were anticipating so it required him to come back 5 weeks early. This was an understandable bummer for him and his dad and step mom but all of us want Jimmy to be able to participate in things he enjoys and he's been talking about playing football for over a year so we made it happen. I'm hoping when the season is over we can get him an extra weekend or two down there before the next sports season arrives.
Marilyn has joined the local American Legion and been super busy with her pottery. It's grown to the point where we can barely contain it in the house! She has 3 huge projects going on right now that need to all be complete in the next couple months so there are days when we barely see each other. First up on the list? Completing a new sculpture piece that will be unveiled at Freedom Fest next month.
Speaking of Freedom Fest, she and I have both become involved with volunteering to help insure it's success. She's been coming up with some great ideas and seeing them through and I've been volunteering time to help get the venue ready for the all day event that will be raising money to build a new Veteran Center in the area. So many people from different walks of life are coming together to help this thing go off as smoothly as possible, it's truly been a great experience. In the next couple of days or weeks I'll hopefully have another post dedicated to the event itself.
Since we're staying here at least another year, I've been busy at work trying to get our firewood for the year. It's definitely a more difficult task with no tractor to help get the wood out but it's coming along. Along with the daily chores and other things that pop up it's certainly been a busy summer thus far with no signs of slowing down. Hopefully my brain will begin to though because it's hard to become a writer when you don't write.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
New Home Search
House shopping sucks. That's the conclusion I've come too anyways. I was told when this started what a pain in the ass it would be and I can verify that those people were correct. It's not just dealing with the actual process of finding a place that fits all your wants and needs. It's also dealing with the banks, mortgage lenders, insurance companies, tax assessors, and so on. It seems like people are just appearing out of the damn woodwork that we have to either work with, or try to work around. Pain. In. The. Ass. I seriously thought planning and executing a wedding sucked. It has nothing on this process.
Right now our biggest issues is simply finding a place that we both agree on. For me, the biggest concern is the amount of land we get. I grew up on and currently live on what many would consider a pretty large parcel of real estate. I realize I'm going to have to downgrade what I'm used to but in order to both be happy and live the kind of live I want I need enough land to create some sustainability. And acre or two isn't enough to do that. So now I've dropped from the 30-50 acres I desired to 20 or perhaps a little less if the house and location fits our needs. Since we're working within a pretty tight budget, it's driving my stress level through the roof. I don't want to settle. I feel as though I made my decision on which college to attend because I hurried and settled and now I'm paying for something that I don't find the value in. I'm not planning on making that mistake a second time. Especially on a a second very expensive investment.
This is just one requirement for a home. Like everyone in our situation, there are many others. How are the schools in the area? How far are we from various amenities such as the gym I wish to rejoin and hockey for Jimmy? How close is quality medical care? (A big reason for wanting to move is the lack thereof in our current location). And then there's the fact that Marilyn needs a big enough space to set up her pottery studio and a first floor bedroom. It seems like there are a hundred little things that must be taken into consideration before we can say, "This is it. This is where I want to spend the next 50 years of my life." On a good note, however, is the fact that we're open to home that may need a little work. Or, at least require work that will still allow us to be cleared by our mortgage broker. I'm fairly handy so upgrades and/or improvements that need to be made won't be an issue. This could potentially allow us to get a little more house for our dollar.
Interestingly enough, I wrote all the above and then things changed again! HA! We've had some hiccups with our initial mortgage information and found out that we currently qualify for less than initially presented. We could still purchase a home but it would likely be closer to a town and have almost not property attached. This is a big no-no for me. This new information led us to looking at renting a home. However, this would seriously interfere with our lifestyle. Trying to find a place to rent that is set up, or could be set up for Marilyn's pottery studio would be nearly impossible. Not to mention she has two huge orders that need to be filled by this fall. We simply don't have enough time to create a studio space for her. But through all the stress of the past couple of days another option became available. It looks like if we're willing to stay another winter, a new heating system will be installed which will drastically reduce our winter costs as well make being able to leave for a day or two in the winter without fear of the pipes freezing plausible. While I am in no way looking forward to spending another winter up here and being away from the things I desire to to do for another year, when we sat and looked at options it seems like the most reasonable. We learned a lot after the first winter, even more last year, and I think by the time this next one rolls around we'll be in much better shape. I only hope that we don't get hammered next winter like we did this one because damn, having the harshest winter in over 60 years sucked ass.
If I'm learning one thing throughout this process, it's that things can change in a moment. We're constantly learning and doing what we can to apply our new knowledge. Stepping back from time to time to look at the big picture seems to be a key in quality decision making. While we're certainly anxious to find a home and move, to do so in a way that's detrimental to us in the long term is not a mistake we wish to make. The mortgage crisis of 08' highlighted the fact that over burdening oneself with a large mortgage is not a good idea. At the same time trying to find something you're going to be happy with does play a role. Waking up and feeling miserable about something you're paying a good portion of your monthly income too isn't a position anyone wants to find themselves in.
Right now our biggest issues is simply finding a place that we both agree on. For me, the biggest concern is the amount of land we get. I grew up on and currently live on what many would consider a pretty large parcel of real estate. I realize I'm going to have to downgrade what I'm used to but in order to both be happy and live the kind of live I want I need enough land to create some sustainability. And acre or two isn't enough to do that. So now I've dropped from the 30-50 acres I desired to 20 or perhaps a little less if the house and location fits our needs. Since we're working within a pretty tight budget, it's driving my stress level through the roof. I don't want to settle. I feel as though I made my decision on which college to attend because I hurried and settled and now I'm paying for something that I don't find the value in. I'm not planning on making that mistake a second time. Especially on a a second very expensive investment.
This is just one requirement for a home. Like everyone in our situation, there are many others. How are the schools in the area? How far are we from various amenities such as the gym I wish to rejoin and hockey for Jimmy? How close is quality medical care? (A big reason for wanting to move is the lack thereof in our current location). And then there's the fact that Marilyn needs a big enough space to set up her pottery studio and a first floor bedroom. It seems like there are a hundred little things that must be taken into consideration before we can say, "This is it. This is where I want to spend the next 50 years of my life." On a good note, however, is the fact that we're open to home that may need a little work. Or, at least require work that will still allow us to be cleared by our mortgage broker. I'm fairly handy so upgrades and/or improvements that need to be made won't be an issue. This could potentially allow us to get a little more house for our dollar.
Interestingly enough, I wrote all the above and then things changed again! HA! We've had some hiccups with our initial mortgage information and found out that we currently qualify for less than initially presented. We could still purchase a home but it would likely be closer to a town and have almost not property attached. This is a big no-no for me. This new information led us to looking at renting a home. However, this would seriously interfere with our lifestyle. Trying to find a place to rent that is set up, or could be set up for Marilyn's pottery studio would be nearly impossible. Not to mention she has two huge orders that need to be filled by this fall. We simply don't have enough time to create a studio space for her. But through all the stress of the past couple of days another option became available. It looks like if we're willing to stay another winter, a new heating system will be installed which will drastically reduce our winter costs as well make being able to leave for a day or two in the winter without fear of the pipes freezing plausible. While I am in no way looking forward to spending another winter up here and being away from the things I desire to to do for another year, when we sat and looked at options it seems like the most reasonable. We learned a lot after the first winter, even more last year, and I think by the time this next one rolls around we'll be in much better shape. I only hope that we don't get hammered next winter like we did this one because damn, having the harshest winter in over 60 years sucked ass.
If I'm learning one thing throughout this process, it's that things can change in a moment. We're constantly learning and doing what we can to apply our new knowledge. Stepping back from time to time to look at the big picture seems to be a key in quality decision making. While we're certainly anxious to find a home and move, to do so in a way that's detrimental to us in the long term is not a mistake we wish to make. The mortgage crisis of 08' highlighted the fact that over burdening oneself with a large mortgage is not a good idea. At the same time trying to find something you're going to be happy with does play a role. Waking up and feeling miserable about something you're paying a good portion of your monthly income too isn't a position anyone wants to find themselves in.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Back Again
When I sat down today, I knew that it had been a little while since I'd last written. However, I didn't realize that it had been nearly 6 weeks! It's amazing how from time to time it feels as though life can get away from us. We begin to make lists and write things down only to have other obligations take precedent over what we initially thought was important. That's kind of how it's been around here. Things have been moving back and forth from the front burner to the back and vise versa more than a meal in Chef Ramsey's kitchen.
Regardless, I'm back now and ready to put out some work. First and foremost, I want to wish a very Happy Mothers Day to all the mom's out there! I'm currently sitting in my office trying to hammer out a little work but later today will be time for a nice cooked meal and some quality time together with my wife. I'll be making some phone calls to the women in my life who insured that I made it this far, and I'm hoping to get the wife and boy in the car and go visit a friend of ours who's two children are away; on as a member of the USAF and the other a sophomore in college. The woman I've had in my life up to this point have been nothing short of phenomenal and this is one of the few holidays I'm grateful exists. While I try to thank them as often as possible throughout the year, it's nice that there is a day set aside to recognize their efforts and the love and compassion they've shown us.
So what have I been up to the past few weeks? It feels like we've literally been on the run. The misses has had appointment after appointment (with another one this week). The boy is now doing outdoor track and has had practice and meets. He went down with his dad for April vacation and Marilyn and I spent the week looking at homes. We've been trying to get out financial house in order to qualify for a mortgage when we do find the right one. And to top it off I've been under the weather on and off for the past week. Oh yeah, and the weather has finally turned and all the damn white stuff left by mother nature during the winter is finally gone! All this has obviously been mixed in with the day to day happenings of life (of which you can read about here). However, one great thing that has happened, is now that the winter has finally passed I can use my office above the garage again! No more trying to sit and do things in the living room where everyone is running around, watching tv, talking, and the dog has the desire to play...ALL THE TIME! HA! Boy, I love that dog but he's sure full of energy. Spring has arrived and with it has come the annual renewal of energy that anyone who lives in a cold weather climate understands well...including dogs apparently.
I had all intentions on going into more detail during this post but I'm afraid if I do it'll get confusing so I'll shut it down here with the intention of creating another in the next day or two (however, we all know about intentions right?). Take today to remind the important women in your life that you love and are thankful for them. If you're a mom, take a moment to sit with your feet up and enjoy the wonderfulness you've brought into the world. Remember, while it may be the big things that get all the recognition, it's the simple things that make the most difference.
Regardless, I'm back now and ready to put out some work. First and foremost, I want to wish a very Happy Mothers Day to all the mom's out there! I'm currently sitting in my office trying to hammer out a little work but later today will be time for a nice cooked meal and some quality time together with my wife. I'll be making some phone calls to the women in my life who insured that I made it this far, and I'm hoping to get the wife and boy in the car and go visit a friend of ours who's two children are away; on as a member of the USAF and the other a sophomore in college. The woman I've had in my life up to this point have been nothing short of phenomenal and this is one of the few holidays I'm grateful exists. While I try to thank them as often as possible throughout the year, it's nice that there is a day set aside to recognize their efforts and the love and compassion they've shown us.
So what have I been up to the past few weeks? It feels like we've literally been on the run. The misses has had appointment after appointment (with another one this week). The boy is now doing outdoor track and has had practice and meets. He went down with his dad for April vacation and Marilyn and I spent the week looking at homes. We've been trying to get out financial house in order to qualify for a mortgage when we do find the right one. And to top it off I've been under the weather on and off for the past week. Oh yeah, and the weather has finally turned and all the damn white stuff left by mother nature during the winter is finally gone! All this has obviously been mixed in with the day to day happenings of life (of which you can read about here). However, one great thing that has happened, is now that the winter has finally passed I can use my office above the garage again! No more trying to sit and do things in the living room where everyone is running around, watching tv, talking, and the dog has the desire to play...ALL THE TIME! HA! Boy, I love that dog but he's sure full of energy. Spring has arrived and with it has come the annual renewal of energy that anyone who lives in a cold weather climate understands well...including dogs apparently.
I had all intentions on going into more detail during this post but I'm afraid if I do it'll get confusing so I'll shut it down here with the intention of creating another in the next day or two (however, we all know about intentions right?). Take today to remind the important women in your life that you love and are thankful for them. If you're a mom, take a moment to sit with your feet up and enjoy the wonderfulness you've brought into the world. Remember, while it may be the big things that get all the recognition, it's the simple things that make the most difference.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Not As Easy As I Thought
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect when becoming a caretaker for my wife. It seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal, that hard, or overly stressful. I honestly thought that it wouldn't be that life changing. All the shit I was told about making sure I take care of myself and using my support system I kind of brushed aside because "I knew" all that already. Unfortunately I knew all that already in theory and not from ever really experiencing it. I saw my mother, grandmother, and grandfather do it when my great gram was coming to the end of her life. I knew what I was getting in to and it wouldn't be an issue...I'm finding out that all the things I knew, didn't add up to "piss hole in the snow" as my grandfather would say, once I began putting them into practice.
I don't tend to talk much or open up about my feelings. I'm a work in progress on that front but still have a god damn long ways to go. I'm aware of it but it still doesn't make it any easier to do it. I swallow and bottle and believe that my shoulders are strong enough to take on my issues and anyone else's that I care about. I suppose it's why people come to me with things. Unfortunately, while I can help them with issues I haven't always been able to help myself. I've often been so busy helping others take care of their problems, mine get masked over and I keep pushing them further and further down the list of necessary items to take care of. In this kind of life that will eventually lead to issues.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a support system. And I'm not just talking about people who'll tell you what you want to hear or just try to make you feel better, though there can be a time and place for that. I'm talking about friends and family who are the kind of people that will tell you when you're doing something wrong and are acting like a douche. The people who can see that's something isn't right and will say something or ask questions without you having to approach them. Who understand that you're not having issues because you're weak but you're having them because, like carrying a 50 lb weight on your back, eventually you get tired and have to unload that shit before continuing on. They can put your mind as easy and let you know that it's ok to let your guard down and talk to them without having to censor your feelings or thoughts. Those are the people to search out when seeking support.
I'll be honest. I don't tell my wife everything that's going on in my head and I don't expect that she does with me either. I know she's aware of that fact and I know this bothers her somewhat. We try to protect those that we love and guard them from any unnecessary hurt or concern. That's when the support system is most necessary. It allows you to get things out in the open and free your mind without causing any undo stress. Sometimes what you reveal may stay strictly between you and the one you're opening up to and other times that second point of view may reveal other approaches that allow you to open up to your loved one. That depends on many things including what the information is, the circumstances, ect.
Having a support system is very influential to the other major facet of being a caretaker: Taking care of yourself. This encompasses so many different variables that I'm not sure I can touch on them all but there are a few key ones for me. Diet, fitness, and hobbies. Here's some truth. If you're in poor health how are you going to be able to take care of someone else and insure that they're in the best health possible? You can't. If I'm cooking and eating nothing but prepackaged foods and serving fatty cakes and coke what is that going to do for us? I'm going to be tired and lethargic all the time and am likely going to end up causing myself health effects down the road. This is not conducive to insuring that my loved one is being well taken care of. Food and exercise also effects my mood and the way I conduct myself. Bad food makes be feel like shit. I notice a vast difference in my behavior when I'm eating well vs when I'm eating trash. My family notices it as well. I'm almost a different person. It's the same when I'm not injured and can exercise on a regular basis. I feel better about myself and in turn I'm a better father and husband for my family. If you're a caretaker and unaware of good diet and exercise habits, getting in touch with someone who is is vital.. Eating and moving are two necessary, yet often overlooked essentials to this lifestyle and I implore you to work toward getting on the right track for your health and your loved one.
Hobbies is huge. When I say it's huge, I mean it's ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO YOUR LIFE! You can live solely for another person for awhile but eventually it's going to catch up to you. You need to find things that you enjoy and pursue them. I like to write. It's a hobby (and one that I haven't been very good at keeping up with honestly) but I have other interests I want to pursue as well. Some of them are on hold at the moment because of where we live but you can bet your ass once we're moved I'm going to be finding some outlets that I enjoy. You have to. Living life without doing things one finds interesting, challenging and enjoyable leads to boredom, depression, and oftentimes resent. Don't let it get that far. Find a passion and pursue it. You don't have to put other things on the back burner, especially as a caretaker when you may have a lot of down time between when you're needed. Use that time to relax your brain and explore your passions.
I don't tend to talk much or open up about my feelings. I'm a work in progress on that front but still have a god damn long ways to go. I'm aware of it but it still doesn't make it any easier to do it. I swallow and bottle and believe that my shoulders are strong enough to take on my issues and anyone else's that I care about. I suppose it's why people come to me with things. Unfortunately, while I can help them with issues I haven't always been able to help myself. I've often been so busy helping others take care of their problems, mine get masked over and I keep pushing them further and further down the list of necessary items to take care of. In this kind of life that will eventually lead to issues.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a support system. And I'm not just talking about people who'll tell you what you want to hear or just try to make you feel better, though there can be a time and place for that. I'm talking about friends and family who are the kind of people that will tell you when you're doing something wrong and are acting like a douche. The people who can see that's something isn't right and will say something or ask questions without you having to approach them. Who understand that you're not having issues because you're weak but you're having them because, like carrying a 50 lb weight on your back, eventually you get tired and have to unload that shit before continuing on. They can put your mind as easy and let you know that it's ok to let your guard down and talk to them without having to censor your feelings or thoughts. Those are the people to search out when seeking support.
I'll be honest. I don't tell my wife everything that's going on in my head and I don't expect that she does with me either. I know she's aware of that fact and I know this bothers her somewhat. We try to protect those that we love and guard them from any unnecessary hurt or concern. That's when the support system is most necessary. It allows you to get things out in the open and free your mind without causing any undo stress. Sometimes what you reveal may stay strictly between you and the one you're opening up to and other times that second point of view may reveal other approaches that allow you to open up to your loved one. That depends on many things including what the information is, the circumstances, ect.
Having a support system is very influential to the other major facet of being a caretaker: Taking care of yourself. This encompasses so many different variables that I'm not sure I can touch on them all but there are a few key ones for me. Diet, fitness, and hobbies. Here's some truth. If you're in poor health how are you going to be able to take care of someone else and insure that they're in the best health possible? You can't. If I'm cooking and eating nothing but prepackaged foods and serving fatty cakes and coke what is that going to do for us? I'm going to be tired and lethargic all the time and am likely going to end up causing myself health effects down the road. This is not conducive to insuring that my loved one is being well taken care of. Food and exercise also effects my mood and the way I conduct myself. Bad food makes be feel like shit. I notice a vast difference in my behavior when I'm eating well vs when I'm eating trash. My family notices it as well. I'm almost a different person. It's the same when I'm not injured and can exercise on a regular basis. I feel better about myself and in turn I'm a better father and husband for my family. If you're a caretaker and unaware of good diet and exercise habits, getting in touch with someone who is is vital.. Eating and moving are two necessary, yet often overlooked essentials to this lifestyle and I implore you to work toward getting on the right track for your health and your loved one.
Hobbies is huge. When I say it's huge, I mean it's ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ESSENTIAL TO YOUR LIFE! You can live solely for another person for awhile but eventually it's going to catch up to you. You need to find things that you enjoy and pursue them. I like to write. It's a hobby (and one that I haven't been very good at keeping up with honestly) but I have other interests I want to pursue as well. Some of them are on hold at the moment because of where we live but you can bet your ass once we're moved I'm going to be finding some outlets that I enjoy. You have to. Living life without doing things one finds interesting, challenging and enjoyable leads to boredom, depression, and oftentimes resent. Don't let it get that far. Find a passion and pursue it. You don't have to put other things on the back burner, especially as a caretaker when you may have a lot of down time between when you're needed. Use that time to relax your brain and explore your passions.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Missing in Action
Beginning the year I set a goal to write a blog post every week. Like many New Year's goals, I made it until about a month ago and have run into failure. I hit a wall with my writing and though I've sat down to write something repeatedly, I could get nothing to come out. I wouldn't feel quite so guilty about it if I'd been writing something, somewhere but even that was a failure. But as with any failure, anywhere, where there is failure there is opportunity to learn and improve.
So what led to this particular failure. I've been stuck in my own damn head. I'm at the burn out point between Jimmy's hockey schedule, Marilyn's declining or at the very least non-improving health and shitty Dr's, and the weather we've had this winter. Cabin fever has begun to set in for everyone in the house, even the damn dog. It's March 27th and last week we had a night where it fell to -13 and we still have about four feet of snow on the ground. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy snowshoeing but when that's all that really available for you to do and you're an outside kind of person after awhile it wears on you.
But the reality is those are just excuses. They're daily obsticles to overcome and work around and that's what I've been focusing on the past couple of weeks. While I haven't written anything of record until today, I did begin writing in a daily journal once again a few days ago. It's nothing big, mostly reporting on the weather and what I did throughout the day but it's writing. And I'm finding even with that I fit in a few personal observations now and then so it's beginning to help break down some barriers.
I've been on contact with some friends with open ears. Living up where we do, so far away from my support system was rough this winter. I had no time to get away for even a day or two for over 6 months due to Jimmy's hockey schedule and that locked me in at home with no way to relieve stress or to really talk to anyone about what was going on in my head. Yes, I could talk to my wife. But that's not what I need(ed). Sometimes you need independet third parties to either listen or tell you to stop being a bitch. Those are the people I've been in contact with. A good support system isn't just there to make you feel better, it's there to pick you back up when you fall. While it's not the same as having face to face conversations, I'm very much trying to embrace the use of technology as an aid until we can move closer to those people.
Reading. This is awesome for a multitude of reasons. One is that it will help me with my writing. Writers should read. It's the best way to improve your craft and any writer will tell you that. (Believe me, I've read it 100 times at this point). Another reason why reading is so great is that it can open up your mind and make you see issues from multiple perspectives. In the past couple of weeks I've read three books which have really helped me. Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell, The Alchemist by Paulo Coehelo, and The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. All three books had great messages about living life, overcoming adversity, and goal setting. One of the main messages I received from all three was to focus on the task at hand and not worry about what's going to come later. To live in the moment. This was key to Luttrell getting through BUDS (Basic Underwater Demolition) training (Navy SEAL training for those who aren't aware) and as it was the first of the three I read it was on my mind as I read the other two. That is an area that I've always had a lot of trouble with and something I'm now striving to make a strength. Writing this post is part of that process.
Action. Trying not to sit still can be something to overcome once you hit a point of feeling stuck. The key to getting unstuck is to begin moving. Sometimes it's forward but often times you may need to retrace your steps. Moving back words can be a pain in the ass but is often a necessary pain in the ass. I had a football coach in high school that used to tell us all the time, "you have to give ground to gain ground." As I understood it then, stepping back or allowing yourself to be moved back can often put you in a better position to make a play. It's the same thing with life. Sometimes we try to push so far forward that we remove ourselves from the optimal position for reaching our goal. Recognizing this is hard but is necessary.
Keeping a positive mental attitude. Are some days going to suck? Absolutely. Am I going to get down from time to time? No doubt about it. However, in those times, if nothing else, I simply try to keep pushing. If I don't feel great on a particular day or am pissed off, I try get at least one thing done. Perhaps it's just putting the dishes in the washer or throwing in a load of laundry. By doing that, it's one less thing on my list. Even if it's simply something small, I know that when it's done I don't have to worry about it anymore and that free's my mind up a little bit. The idea of sitting to write this today seemed almost terrifying. So when I pulled out the computer I did it with the intention of just getting the first paragraph down. Once that was accomplished I did the second, and so on. I set a small, attainable goal and let it go from there. Sometimes that's all that needed to get one started.
Regardless of everything else, this winter has been a learning experience and has been fairly enlightening. Both myself and my wife have learned about of lot of things we're not overly happy with which is turn has and will continue to open up our minds in search of things that we prefer. Moving is one of those. While we like many things about our current location, it's time to move on and to find a home that's better suited to our needs. However, we tried it and I feel as though for the most part we've succeeded in what we were attempting to learn and experience living here. And as always, when times get tough, we try to step back and enjoy the simple things.
So what led to this particular failure. I've been stuck in my own damn head. I'm at the burn out point between Jimmy's hockey schedule, Marilyn's declining or at the very least non-improving health and shitty Dr's, and the weather we've had this winter. Cabin fever has begun to set in for everyone in the house, even the damn dog. It's March 27th and last week we had a night where it fell to -13 and we still have about four feet of snow on the ground. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy snowshoeing but when that's all that really available for you to do and you're an outside kind of person after awhile it wears on you.
But the reality is those are just excuses. They're daily obsticles to overcome and work around and that's what I've been focusing on the past couple of weeks. While I haven't written anything of record until today, I did begin writing in a daily journal once again a few days ago. It's nothing big, mostly reporting on the weather and what I did throughout the day but it's writing. And I'm finding even with that I fit in a few personal observations now and then so it's beginning to help break down some barriers.
I've been on contact with some friends with open ears. Living up where we do, so far away from my support system was rough this winter. I had no time to get away for even a day or two for over 6 months due to Jimmy's hockey schedule and that locked me in at home with no way to relieve stress or to really talk to anyone about what was going on in my head. Yes, I could talk to my wife. But that's not what I need(ed). Sometimes you need independet third parties to either listen or tell you to stop being a bitch. Those are the people I've been in contact with. A good support system isn't just there to make you feel better, it's there to pick you back up when you fall. While it's not the same as having face to face conversations, I'm very much trying to embrace the use of technology as an aid until we can move closer to those people.
Reading. This is awesome for a multitude of reasons. One is that it will help me with my writing. Writers should read. It's the best way to improve your craft and any writer will tell you that. (Believe me, I've read it 100 times at this point). Another reason why reading is so great is that it can open up your mind and make you see issues from multiple perspectives. In the past couple of weeks I've read three books which have really helped me. Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell, The Alchemist by Paulo Coehelo, and The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. All three books had great messages about living life, overcoming adversity, and goal setting. One of the main messages I received from all three was to focus on the task at hand and not worry about what's going to come later. To live in the moment. This was key to Luttrell getting through BUDS (Basic Underwater Demolition) training (Navy SEAL training for those who aren't aware) and as it was the first of the three I read it was on my mind as I read the other two. That is an area that I've always had a lot of trouble with and something I'm now striving to make a strength. Writing this post is part of that process.
Action. Trying not to sit still can be something to overcome once you hit a point of feeling stuck. The key to getting unstuck is to begin moving. Sometimes it's forward but often times you may need to retrace your steps. Moving back words can be a pain in the ass but is often a necessary pain in the ass. I had a football coach in high school that used to tell us all the time, "you have to give ground to gain ground." As I understood it then, stepping back or allowing yourself to be moved back can often put you in a better position to make a play. It's the same thing with life. Sometimes we try to push so far forward that we remove ourselves from the optimal position for reaching our goal. Recognizing this is hard but is necessary.
Keeping a positive mental attitude. Are some days going to suck? Absolutely. Am I going to get down from time to time? No doubt about it. However, in those times, if nothing else, I simply try to keep pushing. If I don't feel great on a particular day or am pissed off, I try get at least one thing done. Perhaps it's just putting the dishes in the washer or throwing in a load of laundry. By doing that, it's one less thing on my list. Even if it's simply something small, I know that when it's done I don't have to worry about it anymore and that free's my mind up a little bit. The idea of sitting to write this today seemed almost terrifying. So when I pulled out the computer I did it with the intention of just getting the first paragraph down. Once that was accomplished I did the second, and so on. I set a small, attainable goal and let it go from there. Sometimes that's all that needed to get one started.
Regardless of everything else, this winter has been a learning experience and has been fairly enlightening. Both myself and my wife have learned about of lot of things we're not overly happy with which is turn has and will continue to open up our minds in search of things that we prefer. Moving is one of those. While we like many things about our current location, it's time to move on and to find a home that's better suited to our needs. However, we tried it and I feel as though for the most part we've succeeded in what we were attempting to learn and experience living here. And as always, when times get tough, we try to step back and enjoy the simple things.
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