It's the end of January 2015 and I've had a month to begin working on achieving my goals for the year. The reality is that January 1 is just another day but for many if not most people the changing of the calendar holds the potential for new beginnings. Though we're entering the meat of our third winter here, it wasn't until recently that I had an epiphany. It wasn't something that is going to change the world but it could perhaps change the lives of myself and that of my family. Seeing as how that is my world, it's indeed important to me. What was this epiphany you ask? That a resolution/goal without a plan isn't worth a damn. I can make all the goals I want but if I have not planned out how to achieve them, they're going to go down in flames just like many of last years did.
I did not quit chewing, we were not able to move (though there were some interesting circumstances as to why we didn't that may have been out of our control). I'm not healthier and though I feel much better I could argue that I'm actually worse off than I was a year ago at this time. I didn't finish my book though I did make pretty good progress and am on the cusp. I could chalk up all these as failures and I guess I do to a point. However, I learned a lot and I can see why I failed at the majority of my goals from the previous year so for me I'm considering the year a push at worst. Now, before you get to thinking that I'm just making excuses for why I didn't meet my goals, please hear me out as I explain my reasons for such thinking.
To me, one of the greatest failures a person can achieve in life is to not learn from their mistakes and experiences. This past year has taught me a great deal and this is why I cannot view 2014 as a complete failure. My goals for this year have plans, basic as they are. The plans are not perfect but they're certainly better than shooting from the hip like I attempted to do last year. Last year I had nothing, not even a semblance of a plan. I simply wrote my goals and assumed that I'd figure out how to meet them. I'm hear to tell you a secret; if you don't know already, that shit doesn't work. A goal without a plan is like a car with wheels and no tires. You may reach your destination but you're stacking the odds against's yourself from the outset.
Planning helps to reduce excuses for why we can't do things. Sure there are times when things come up and excuses are actually reasons but I don't believe that's the case the majority of the time. As an example: Shawna had what we thought was an appendix issue a couple weeks ago. While it's not solved yet, it wasn't an appendix and may be a gall bladder problem but the point is it threw my gym schedule completely out of whack. However, because I'm planning it now, I was able to adjust rather than just drop my gym days that week. It was a pain in the ass to fit the days in but because I had a plan I was able to accomplish my weekly goal. And that's why plans are so important. They allow us more flexibility.
This post isn't to pass judgement on whether or not someone meets their goals or "resolutions." Instead, I felt compelled to write this because I think it could be a game changer for myself, family, and perhaps even you if you're looking for an answer as to why you're having trouble moving past the initial stage. I could quote a whole bunch of people much smarter than I as to what you should be doing and go into a whole host of other reasons, however, I think planning or lack thereof as it may be, is one of the biggest impediments to progress and one of the easiest to correct. If you're unsure of how to do it, contact someone who does. I now have a trainer who writes my workout plans for me because he's a professional at what he does and I'm not. It costs more obviously but we're building it into our financial plan. (There's that 'P' word again). Plan, plan, plan to reach your goals.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Apprehension
I can't lie, when the idea was presented for Caden to come live with I was apprehensive. Probably even more than that though I was scared as hell. So many thoughts went through my mind. How was I going to take care of him AND Shawna? How do I keep my bearings? What am I going to do if I need help and the nearest available is 4 hours away? What if this and that? Up until that time we'd had Caden with us for 1 summer break and some vacations. I had been Shawna's caretaker for a year but was still learning the ropes for handling that and the idea of having the 24 hour, 7 day a week responsibility for Caden frightened the hell out of me to be honest. It had only been a little over a year prior since I'd been a single man with virtually no responsibility for anyone but myself and now I was a caretaker, husband, and step father. There's no doubt, I was reeling.
I can't say everything was smooth in the beginning. I was frustrated, warn out, stressed out, and unsure of myself the majority of the time. I felt completely overwhelmed. We had a few months before winter hit and in that time we worked to try and come up with a game plan for living life. Caden was still scared of Shawna's seizures at the time so when she had them I had to take care of her and try to comfort him at the same time. After a little over a year here much of that has settled and I'm extremely thankful.
Caden began a new school and the accompanying problems of being a new kid quickly surfaced. I don't know if it was fortunate or unfortunate for him but our response to the bullying bullshit all around us is that it's been overblown so when he came home to us about it our response was not the typical. We had discussions about being confident, standing up for yourself, and we even showed him a few self defense moves in-case any of the kids stepped over the line from verbal to physical attacks. We also let him know that if he was in the right we'd defend him no matter what the school said but if he was in the wrong he'd suffer the consequences. He began to handle the issues himself and by the end of the year the talk of bullying had slowed considerably.
He played hockey last winter for a Canadian team and if people don't know what hockey is like in Canada let me just tell you, it's huge. Think football in the southern part of the US and you'll get a rough idea. Many of the kids play year round as many of the rinks are left open even through the summer and teams play continually. For Caden's team the season went from October until April. Practice two evenings per week and games every weekend. Tournaments on some of them. Most of the games were a minimum of an hour away and some up to 3. This is made the season feel incredibly long. In combination with that, Shawna's health last winter was awful. She could barely get out of bed for the whole month on February, which also happens to be the coldest month we have here. To top it off last winter was one of the worst in years between snow and cold (temps were below 0 for days at a time) in awhile. By the time we hit March I was burnt out. I was exhausted and the end of hockey season and beginning of spring couldn't come quickly enough. It had been a long hard winter and not one I was wishing to repeat.
Reflecting back a few months post, I see now how worn I really was. I would get frustrated pretty quickly, would tune people out, and had trouble sleeping and shutting my mind off. This was until Caden was released from school for the summer. At that point Caden went to his dads for the summer and it felt like I could get a deep breath. Hell, for the first few days after making the exchange I did nothing but sit in front of the TV playing Fallout: New Vegas and drinking Coors. I put something like 48 hours on it in 3 days! Shawna was feeling decent so I just sat and completely zoned out on it and I felt great! There was really nothing to worry about, to think about. My responsibilities were limited and the tension of the past year dissipated into thin air. That lasted for a few days until Shawna had an appointment we had to attend in Boston (a complete waste of fucking time, thanks Army for that one.) and then we found out that football up here essentially starts when school gets out. So, only two or three weeks into Caden's summer vacation with his dad, I had to run back down and get him as he had been talking about playing football for months.
While I was annoyed that Caden's vacation was cut short, both because I was enjoying the break and because it cut into him and his other families time together, football has been a great thing for both of us. I was able to become an assistant coach and Caden has found a sport he really seems to love playing with kids that he's very happy to call teammates. Our season went very well (from no wins the previous 3 years to 4-2 this season!) and I found out how much I enjoy teaching and coaching football. While I'm not sure I'd enjoy other sports as much it certainly opens the door to the possibility of getting involved in others for I found something in coaching that I believe I needed. It was a release. A chance to focus and concentrate my attentions to something that mattered but wasn't directly related to my family life. It turned into an outlet for aggression and an opportunity to push issues aside for a few hours a week and in the end I'm thankful for it. I had the opportunity to meet some truly wonderful people and hopefully make an impact on some fabulous young men.
While Caden's coming to live with us certainly created some apprehension on my part in the beginning, I have to believe it was a natural reaction. New fathers and mothers bringing their child home for the first time must feel something similar as do new step-parents. I want so badly to do what's right by him; to teach him new things and to insure that I do my small part in insuring that he not only grows up to be a good man, but a better man than I am. The truth of it is it's a wonderful opportunity that I've been given and while my being scared of certain aspects are likely natural, they're also not a bad thing. Nervousness and apprehension can serve us well if harnessed appropriately. They make us slow down, they make us think, they make us consider multiple solutions to problems. They also make us very thankful for the simple things.
I can't say everything was smooth in the beginning. I was frustrated, warn out, stressed out, and unsure of myself the majority of the time. I felt completely overwhelmed. We had a few months before winter hit and in that time we worked to try and come up with a game plan for living life. Caden was still scared of Shawna's seizures at the time so when she had them I had to take care of her and try to comfort him at the same time. After a little over a year here much of that has settled and I'm extremely thankful.
Caden began a new school and the accompanying problems of being a new kid quickly surfaced. I don't know if it was fortunate or unfortunate for him but our response to the bullying bullshit all around us is that it's been overblown so when he came home to us about it our response was not the typical. We had discussions about being confident, standing up for yourself, and we even showed him a few self defense moves in-case any of the kids stepped over the line from verbal to physical attacks. We also let him know that if he was in the right we'd defend him no matter what the school said but if he was in the wrong he'd suffer the consequences. He began to handle the issues himself and by the end of the year the talk of bullying had slowed considerably.
He played hockey last winter for a Canadian team and if people don't know what hockey is like in Canada let me just tell you, it's huge. Think football in the southern part of the US and you'll get a rough idea. Many of the kids play year round as many of the rinks are left open even through the summer and teams play continually. For Caden's team the season went from October until April. Practice two evenings per week and games every weekend. Tournaments on some of them. Most of the games were a minimum of an hour away and some up to 3. This is made the season feel incredibly long. In combination with that, Shawna's health last winter was awful. She could barely get out of bed for the whole month on February, which also happens to be the coldest month we have here. To top it off last winter was one of the worst in years between snow and cold (temps were below 0 for days at a time) in awhile. By the time we hit March I was burnt out. I was exhausted and the end of hockey season and beginning of spring couldn't come quickly enough. It had been a long hard winter and not one I was wishing to repeat.
Reflecting back a few months post, I see now how worn I really was. I would get frustrated pretty quickly, would tune people out, and had trouble sleeping and shutting my mind off. This was until Caden was released from school for the summer. At that point Caden went to his dads for the summer and it felt like I could get a deep breath. Hell, for the first few days after making the exchange I did nothing but sit in front of the TV playing Fallout: New Vegas and drinking Coors. I put something like 48 hours on it in 3 days! Shawna was feeling decent so I just sat and completely zoned out on it and I felt great! There was really nothing to worry about, to think about. My responsibilities were limited and the tension of the past year dissipated into thin air. That lasted for a few days until Shawna had an appointment we had to attend in Boston (a complete waste of fucking time, thanks Army for that one.) and then we found out that football up here essentially starts when school gets out. So, only two or three weeks into Caden's summer vacation with his dad, I had to run back down and get him as he had been talking about playing football for months.
While I was annoyed that Caden's vacation was cut short, both because I was enjoying the break and because it cut into him and his other families time together, football has been a great thing for both of us. I was able to become an assistant coach and Caden has found a sport he really seems to love playing with kids that he's very happy to call teammates. Our season went very well (from no wins the previous 3 years to 4-2 this season!) and I found out how much I enjoy teaching and coaching football. While I'm not sure I'd enjoy other sports as much it certainly opens the door to the possibility of getting involved in others for I found something in coaching that I believe I needed. It was a release. A chance to focus and concentrate my attentions to something that mattered but wasn't directly related to my family life. It turned into an outlet for aggression and an opportunity to push issues aside for a few hours a week and in the end I'm thankful for it. I had the opportunity to meet some truly wonderful people and hopefully make an impact on some fabulous young men.
While Caden's coming to live with us certainly created some apprehension on my part in the beginning, I have to believe it was a natural reaction. New fathers and mothers bringing their child home for the first time must feel something similar as do new step-parents. I want so badly to do what's right by him; to teach him new things and to insure that I do my small part in insuring that he not only grows up to be a good man, but a better man than I am. The truth of it is it's a wonderful opportunity that I've been given and while my being scared of certain aspects are likely natural, they're also not a bad thing. Nervousness and apprehension can serve us well if harnessed appropriately. They make us slow down, they make us think, they make us consider multiple solutions to problems. They also make us very thankful for the simple things.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Winter Preperation
It's been a crazy few months in the our household. While Shawna's health has been basically steady; that is, up and down but not seemingly in decline, we've all been pretty busy. She's been at work as much as possible with her ceramics getting ready for a large craft fair she has coming up later in November, trying to complete an order for a brewery in central Maine, as well as create sculpture pieces. On top of all this, she's trying to get a non-profit off the ground called Healing Arts of Maine which is aimed at using art to help those who've suffered and/or suffering from the things no one likes to talk about; abuse at the hands of a love one, PTSD related to a variety of situations including those received in battle, as a first responder, and as an abuse victim, and those with various mental disorders. On top of everything else she has going on it's quite an endeavor.
Caden just finished football season a few weeks ago and did a great job as the team quarterback. The whole team was wonderful and the amount of improvement they showed from the beginning of the season to the end left me feeling proud to be one of their coaches. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I spent my first season ever as a coach (assistant) this past fall. It was a pretty incredible experience to be part of such an amazing turn around for our JR program. From no wins the past 3 years to a 4-2 record this year! While we as coaches are often given much of the credit for the turnaround, for me the credit goes to the incredible young men who spent countless hours, sweat, and tears learning and applying what we were attempting to teach them.
On top of football, Caden has been doing a much better job applying himself as a student than he did when he originally came to live with us last year. He's settled in wonderfully after a bit of a rough start and his attitude and grades reflect that. While he still has some issues on days when Shawna is not in the best of health, that's certainly understandable for a 12 year old. He's been handed one hell of a hand at various times in his life and he amazes me with his ability to adapt to the situations presented to him. I have to give kudos to his mom and dad for helping him develop a mental fortitude that is well beyond his years. Unfortunate as it is that so much is required of him at times, there is a part of me that believes it will be for his betterment as he moves from his teen years onto his adult life.
As to what I've been up to the past couple of months, other than football it's seemingly been all winter preparation all the time. Firewood was a major concern for us as I made the mistake of not planning to be here this winter. It's all cut and stack in the shed, much of it without the use of a tractor or other implement to get it out of the woods. I am, however, thankful for some good people in the community who helped us both get some of the wood I was cutting out and for our neighbors who allowed me to borrow their wood splitter for the day. While much of the wood we have is still green (not dry for you non wood burners), we at least have a enough stacked and drying in our shed to get us through the winter months.
On top of this, I've been attempting to better insulate and prepare the house for the cold months ahead. What many may or may not realize is exactly how bad our weather can get during the winter months. I'm talking nights that are -30 and day's that don't break zero with well over a 100 inches of snow thrown in. Some years are milder and easier to manage while others are like last year and never seem to end. The one big difference we''ll have this year is that Caden has made the decision not to play hockey. Financially this will greatly benefit us while looking for a new home further south and mentally I think he needed the break from the rigors and demand the sport requires.
So that's a brief summary of what's been going on. I have some other posts already in the wings that I'm hoping to finally finish now that winter is bringing about a much slower period of my year. I have some other things planned for this winter to get accomplished that I'll get into the the coming weeks but needless to say I don't intend to just sit around with my finger up my ass like I have seemed to do the past couple of winters. Now that we're going into our third winter in this location I have a much better understanding of what it is that we're facing this coming season and I'm hoping this knowledge will help me get more accomplished. This of course in reliant upon Shawna's health holding but even if there are hiccups this winter, and I expect there will be, if Caden and I work together, and with the knowledge that our family has local help from some great people if needed, I fully expect this winter will not be like the past two and be a hell of a lot easier on all of us.
Caden just finished football season a few weeks ago and did a great job as the team quarterback. The whole team was wonderful and the amount of improvement they showed from the beginning of the season to the end left me feeling proud to be one of their coaches. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I spent my first season ever as a coach (assistant) this past fall. It was a pretty incredible experience to be part of such an amazing turn around for our JR program. From no wins the past 3 years to a 4-2 record this year! While we as coaches are often given much of the credit for the turnaround, for me the credit goes to the incredible young men who spent countless hours, sweat, and tears learning and applying what we were attempting to teach them.
On top of football, Caden has been doing a much better job applying himself as a student than he did when he originally came to live with us last year. He's settled in wonderfully after a bit of a rough start and his attitude and grades reflect that. While he still has some issues on days when Shawna is not in the best of health, that's certainly understandable for a 12 year old. He's been handed one hell of a hand at various times in his life and he amazes me with his ability to adapt to the situations presented to him. I have to give kudos to his mom and dad for helping him develop a mental fortitude that is well beyond his years. Unfortunate as it is that so much is required of him at times, there is a part of me that believes it will be for his betterment as he moves from his teen years onto his adult life.
As to what I've been up to the past couple of months, other than football it's seemingly been all winter preparation all the time. Firewood was a major concern for us as I made the mistake of not planning to be here this winter. It's all cut and stack in the shed, much of it without the use of a tractor or other implement to get it out of the woods. I am, however, thankful for some good people in the community who helped us both get some of the wood I was cutting out and for our neighbors who allowed me to borrow their wood splitter for the day. While much of the wood we have is still green (not dry for you non wood burners), we at least have a enough stacked and drying in our shed to get us through the winter months.
On top of this, I've been attempting to better insulate and prepare the house for the cold months ahead. What many may or may not realize is exactly how bad our weather can get during the winter months. I'm talking nights that are -30 and day's that don't break zero with well over a 100 inches of snow thrown in. Some years are milder and easier to manage while others are like last year and never seem to end. The one big difference we''ll have this year is that Caden has made the decision not to play hockey. Financially this will greatly benefit us while looking for a new home further south and mentally I think he needed the break from the rigors and demand the sport requires.
So that's a brief summary of what's been going on. I have some other posts already in the wings that I'm hoping to finally finish now that winter is bringing about a much slower period of my year. I have some other things planned for this winter to get accomplished that I'll get into the the coming weeks but needless to say I don't intend to just sit around with my finger up my ass like I have seemed to do the past couple of winters. Now that we're going into our third winter in this location I have a much better understanding of what it is that we're facing this coming season and I'm hoping this knowledge will help me get more accomplished. This of course in reliant upon Shawna's health holding but even if there are hiccups this winter, and I expect there will be, if Caden and I work together, and with the knowledge that our family has local help from some great people if needed, I fully expect this winter will not be like the past two and be a hell of a lot easier on all of us.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
9/11
For anyone who's old enough to remember, September 11th, 2001 is one of those days where, like the assassination of JFK and attack on Pearl Harbor, you remember where you were, what you're were doing, and who you were with when you heard that two planes had hit the twin towers in New York. You probably also remember the same details when you heard a plane hit the pentagon and also about United Airlines flight 93 crashing in a field in Pennsylvania; which was apparently on its way toward Washington as well before passengers attempted to retake the plane. While I remember details about all the events, the most vivid is when I first found out what was going on. I was sitting in my freshman english class at Husson College (now University) when my professor's phone rang. She stepped out of the room and when she returned it was with an ashen look on her face. She informed us that a airplane had hit the north tower in New York. While we were all in class with no access to the news at the time, her husband worked for a local news affiliate. At the time we were all a little dumbstruck at hearing the news and because we were in a college setting and people attend from all over the US, she asked if anyone needed to leave to check on family. To my recollection no one did.
A short time later her phone rang and again she stepped from the room. When she reentered it was easy to tell something was very wrong. She almost had a look of panic though she was attempting to keep herself composed. Her first words were, "We're fucked, we're sooo fucked." With that we were all put on edge as she informed us that we were under attack. It was somber and sobering to know that our nation was changed forever. As we exited the class and I entered the student lounge, tv's had been brought from other areas and set up and students were gathered round watching various news channels. At the time I had a suspended license and had to wait for a ride so I headed to the dorms and spent the next few hours with some friends watching, discussing, and going through the range of emotions that I think most American's did.
This is just my story of the day though. While the day certainly had an impact, for me there was nothing direct. For many others, like my wife's family, the day was very different. On that day her dad was supposed to be working at the pentagon. Unbeknownst to her and others his meeting has been transferred last minute to Alabama. There was a heavy deal of panic as they attempted to locate him and the memories of that still linger for them. Still, for others there were hours of attempting to get through to loved ones and sadly for many there were calls that would never be achieved. It's a day that's remembered for many reasons and no two stories are the same.
I have another post I've begun that gets into the after but that's for another day. Today, as we remember that day, let us not just remember the events, but the people. Those innocents that perished. The first responders who made the ultimate sacrifice so that others could live. The men and women who spent days and months searching for survivors and later on, the remains so that families could get at least a small amount of closure. The men and women who took up arms when the nation asked them too. The nation was shaped that day and the events have had a long lingering effect on everyone in this nation but particularly those who were there and those who spent a vast amount of time oversees because of it. Today let's take the time to remember them, all of them; the people, our fellow countrymen, and put into action a plan to make ourselves better in honor of their sacrifice.
A short time later her phone rang and again she stepped from the room. When she reentered it was easy to tell something was very wrong. She almost had a look of panic though she was attempting to keep herself composed. Her first words were, "We're fucked, we're sooo fucked." With that we were all put on edge as she informed us that we were under attack. It was somber and sobering to know that our nation was changed forever. As we exited the class and I entered the student lounge, tv's had been brought from other areas and set up and students were gathered round watching various news channels. At the time I had a suspended license and had to wait for a ride so I headed to the dorms and spent the next few hours with some friends watching, discussing, and going through the range of emotions that I think most American's did.
This is just my story of the day though. While the day certainly had an impact, for me there was nothing direct. For many others, like my wife's family, the day was very different. On that day her dad was supposed to be working at the pentagon. Unbeknownst to her and others his meeting has been transferred last minute to Alabama. There was a heavy deal of panic as they attempted to locate him and the memories of that still linger for them. Still, for others there were hours of attempting to get through to loved ones and sadly for many there were calls that would never be achieved. It's a day that's remembered for many reasons and no two stories are the same.
I have another post I've begun that gets into the after but that's for another day. Today, as we remember that day, let us not just remember the events, but the people. Those innocents that perished. The first responders who made the ultimate sacrifice so that others could live. The men and women who spent days and months searching for survivors and later on, the remains so that families could get at least a small amount of closure. The men and women who took up arms when the nation asked them too. The nation was shaped that day and the events have had a long lingering effect on everyone in this nation but particularly those who were there and those who spent a vast amount of time oversees because of it. Today let's take the time to remember them, all of them; the people, our fellow countrymen, and put into action a plan to make ourselves better in honor of their sacrifice.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Validation
Before I get into the actual subject of my post, I noticed the other day that while I've been not sharing our actual identity since I began this blog over a year ago, I hadn't turned off the feature that showed my real name at the bottom. Whoops! LOL. I guess using fake names is kind of out at this point so before I go any further, I figured I'll go ahead and let any readers know that my name is actually Justin. My wife is Shawna not Marilyn, my step-son is Caden not Jimmy (though his getting himself in hot water like Jimmy Neutron still stands) and our dogs name is Kane. From here forward I figure there's no sense in keeping it quiet since more and more people are associating the blog with me anyways. Who knows, perhaps I'll actually share it myself at some point..
So, back to the topic at hand. Because of where we live, Shawna is involved in the ARCH program which means that essentially the VA sub contracts out Dr.s for her to visit closer to our home since we live 250 miles away from the nearest VA hospital (Togus) and about 200 miles away from the nearest VA facility (Bangor). This could and is changing for everyone I believe as a new law that's passed will allow military veterans to see Dr's outside the VA if you live further than 40 miles, but it hasn't yet. Anyways, this is how we ended up with her last neurologist, the one I was bitching about a few months ago. Thankfully she left and is no longer practicing in the area so we don't have to visit her ignorant ass ever again. This left us with an issue however. My wife had no neurologist in the area. So, the VA scheduled her to go to Togus to see the one she had previously. Being that it's a 500 mile, 10 hour round trip we'd decided to cancel said appointment but as of Thursday hadn't yet done so.
Then I spoke to our home care nurse on Thursday afternoon...I'm so very glad that I did! Shawna and I had been discussing for awhile going outside the VA to get the opinion of someone not associated with them. If I have to tell you why we felt it may be a good idea to do so, please do yourself a favor and google 'VA scandals'. With this in mind we decided to take some advice and see a certain neuro located in Presque Isle and to cancel the appointment at Togus on Friday to save the headache that is traveling that freakin far. However, after speaking to our nurse, we decided to make the trip. We'd be seeing her old Dr, the one she had when she originally arrived back in Maine, and if nothing else we'd be in a better place to get her the second opinion from the neurologist in PI. It was the best decision we could have made!
I, and I think my wife as well, entered into the appointment very apprehensive. Our last appointment with her a year and a half or two years ago hadn't gone particurally well and I left there being quite pissed off. It was the beginning of my experiences hearing the term "pseudoseizures" thrown about with no real evidence other than they couldn't figure the cause of her symptoms. I was expecting more of the same and figured the appointment was going to take about 20 minutes and then we'd be on our way annoyed we'd driven so far to hear a bunch of bullshit...Now, if there's one thing I was taught it's that when you're right you stand your ground and when you're wrong you admit it and take whatever necessary actions are required. Thankfully, in this case a simple admission will do. Because, boy, was I ever WRONG!
Our appointment was nothing short of amazing! By far the best doctors appointment I been to with Shawna. What we were saying was being listened too, she was answering questions before we could ask them, she was giving us information as to what possible problems there may be, we have four or five new tests that Shawna is going to be taking. AND, I think best of all for my wife, the doctor was believing the things she was saying! I was floored and excited at the same time. When I described Shawna's seizures she listened and said, and I want to quote this, "those are not pseudo seizures. Those are tonic." I was so fucking happy that someone finally listened to what I had been saying for two years I almost hollered"'WOOOOO HOOO!" And for my wife to be validated, well that felt equally as good as I swear I saw about 50lbs fall off her back. Apparently in the nearly two years since our last visit to her, she's had multiple people come in from Shawna's generation of service with similar symptoms. This led her to the conclusion that while a single person experiencing these health issues could possibly be psychological in nature, to have multiple people complaining of the same problems pointed to something else entirely. It was a validation for my wife that she definitely needed. And to top it all off, not only did she not chastise Shawna for using natural supplements to help with her pain, tremors, and seizure prevention; she encouraged her to continue and actually asked for more information about them and who makes them so she could do further research! Never in my life have a seen a doctor of any kind do that.
So, where are we going from here. We'll be going to see another neuro that's located closer to us to get their opinion as well. We'll get Shawna signed up for the testing though it could take awhile because with Caden starting back to school this week it's difficult to make trips where we could be gone for days unless he's on vacation. She'll continue with the natural treatments and take what tests we can arrange locally and both of us will push forward with our own research so we have questions to ask when we attend appointments. Though there is obviously still no diagnosis, for the first time since I've met my wife is feels as though there is some hope at the end of the tunnel. And that, that is one hell of a great feeling.
So, back to the topic at hand. Because of where we live, Shawna is involved in the ARCH program which means that essentially the VA sub contracts out Dr.s for her to visit closer to our home since we live 250 miles away from the nearest VA hospital (Togus) and about 200 miles away from the nearest VA facility (Bangor). This could and is changing for everyone I believe as a new law that's passed will allow military veterans to see Dr's outside the VA if you live further than 40 miles, but it hasn't yet. Anyways, this is how we ended up with her last neurologist, the one I was bitching about a few months ago. Thankfully she left and is no longer practicing in the area so we don't have to visit her ignorant ass ever again. This left us with an issue however. My wife had no neurologist in the area. So, the VA scheduled her to go to Togus to see the one she had previously. Being that it's a 500 mile, 10 hour round trip we'd decided to cancel said appointment but as of Thursday hadn't yet done so.
Then I spoke to our home care nurse on Thursday afternoon...I'm so very glad that I did! Shawna and I had been discussing for awhile going outside the VA to get the opinion of someone not associated with them. If I have to tell you why we felt it may be a good idea to do so, please do yourself a favor and google 'VA scandals'. With this in mind we decided to take some advice and see a certain neuro located in Presque Isle and to cancel the appointment at Togus on Friday to save the headache that is traveling that freakin far. However, after speaking to our nurse, we decided to make the trip. We'd be seeing her old Dr, the one she had when she originally arrived back in Maine, and if nothing else we'd be in a better place to get her the second opinion from the neurologist in PI. It was the best decision we could have made!
I, and I think my wife as well, entered into the appointment very apprehensive. Our last appointment with her a year and a half or two years ago hadn't gone particurally well and I left there being quite pissed off. It was the beginning of my experiences hearing the term "pseudoseizures" thrown about with no real evidence other than they couldn't figure the cause of her symptoms. I was expecting more of the same and figured the appointment was going to take about 20 minutes and then we'd be on our way annoyed we'd driven so far to hear a bunch of bullshit...Now, if there's one thing I was taught it's that when you're right you stand your ground and when you're wrong you admit it and take whatever necessary actions are required. Thankfully, in this case a simple admission will do. Because, boy, was I ever WRONG!
Our appointment was nothing short of amazing! By far the best doctors appointment I been to with Shawna. What we were saying was being listened too, she was answering questions before we could ask them, she was giving us information as to what possible problems there may be, we have four or five new tests that Shawna is going to be taking. AND, I think best of all for my wife, the doctor was believing the things she was saying! I was floored and excited at the same time. When I described Shawna's seizures she listened and said, and I want to quote this, "those are not pseudo seizures. Those are tonic." I was so fucking happy that someone finally listened to what I had been saying for two years I almost hollered"'WOOOOO HOOO!" And for my wife to be validated, well that felt equally as good as I swear I saw about 50lbs fall off her back. Apparently in the nearly two years since our last visit to her, she's had multiple people come in from Shawna's generation of service with similar symptoms. This led her to the conclusion that while a single person experiencing these health issues could possibly be psychological in nature, to have multiple people complaining of the same problems pointed to something else entirely. It was a validation for my wife that she definitely needed. And to top it all off, not only did she not chastise Shawna for using natural supplements to help with her pain, tremors, and seizure prevention; she encouraged her to continue and actually asked for more information about them and who makes them so she could do further research! Never in my life have a seen a doctor of any kind do that.
So, where are we going from here. We'll be going to see another neuro that's located closer to us to get their opinion as well. We'll get Shawna signed up for the testing though it could take awhile because with Caden starting back to school this week it's difficult to make trips where we could be gone for days unless he's on vacation. She'll continue with the natural treatments and take what tests we can arrange locally and both of us will push forward with our own research so we have questions to ask when we attend appointments. Though there is obviously still no diagnosis, for the first time since I've met my wife is feels as though there is some hope at the end of the tunnel. And that, that is one hell of a great feeling.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Learning
By now I'm sure you've all heard about the passing of actor/comedian Robin Williams last week. Unbeknownst to the general public at the time, Mr. Williams had suffered from depression on and off for years before taking his own life. It's an event that's played out all too often, especially among veterans.
As I've stated previously in this blog, I myself, am not a veteran. However, I retain close relationships with many within my family, friends, and other social circles. Because of this and my desire to study and understand human behavior, I'm often involved in conversations and reading material from a variety of sources that pertain to the military and stories and accounts of aftercare, the VA, ect. While I can, in no-way, have a perfect or complete understanding of military life or many of the post-service problems that arise, by educating myself as much as possible I'm enabled to better receive and communicate with my friends and family when and if I'm require too. Being that I'm married to and a caretaker for a veteran, this course of action has helped me to help her to the best of my ability many times over.
It is currently estimated that 22 veterans in the United States commit suicide every day. Twenty Two... That equates to 8030 veteran suicides a year. It's a number that seems so unbelievably high that it nearly betrays belief. However, that's 8030 families that are all too aware of exactly how believable it is. In the past few days I've seen the same question come up over and over. Why is the suicide of Robin Williams making so much news both in this country and around the world while the veteran suicide rate seems to be nothing more than a blip on the radar? I hope I can at least give a partial answer, or at least display some intelligence while conveying what my thoughts are.
The one main thing that Williams had that most, if not all the veterans don't have, is the vast connection with so many others. I'm not referring to family or friend connections. Williams connected with people all over the world. They saw him in movies, on tv, doing comedy, and making trips overseas to entertain the troops. He was very likable and came across as approachable. He was someone who you felt like you'd want to know. And he was real. He wasn't surrounded by a hoard of hangers on and didn't speak in the third person. When you saw him do an interview you felt as if you knew him. And that's why I believe his death has resonated with people the way it has. You felt as though you lost someone you knew personally. I never have much of a response to the death of a celebrity, suicide or otherwise. But Williams death was different, it did mean something to me.
Seeing Dead Poets Society when I was in my early teens and then again as I got older, made me think about things in a different way and perhaps in someways shaped the way I've made decisions in life. That's no small feat for anyone. The only other people that have had the effect on my life are my family and closest friends. You see, I don't think that his death is important to people simply because he's a celebrity; I think it's important to people because in some way he had an impact on their life. I'm positive all of the 22 vets who commit suicide daily have had impacts on the lives of others also, but it's not seen and therefore doesn't seem as personal. I don't believe that most people think losing 22 vets per day is unimportant, but it is my belief that they don't hold the same personal connection they felt with the Williams death and therefore it's simply not as important in their lives. This is not to degrade them or discount their service, it's simply human nature to react differently to the death of someone depending on the impact they've had in our lives.
A couple of years ago, perennial Pro-Bowl selection and likely future NFL Hall-Of-Famer Junior Seau committed suicide. He did so in a way that his brain would be left to science to be examined. At the time, the link between multiple blows to the head, TBI, and depression was still in it's infancy. There had been other former players that had also committed suicide but it was his death that awoke the public consciousness. Why? He had name recognition yes, but he also presented him self as a very likable person. An every man who was living his dream and unlike many athletes, who showed up to work hard everyday because he was aware of how lucky he was to be in that position. The news of his death hit the sports world like wild fire and then transferred over to the public at large. Since then a mountain of data has become available on the connection between TBI and emotions and strides are being made in treating people not only on the athletic field of play, but those involved in accidents involving head trauma as well as injuries received on the battlefield. Had it not been for his popularity and name recognition scientists might still be attempting to make the connections.
Why would I bring this up? Because I'm hoping the same thing can happen with the death of Robin Williams. Perhaps we can finally release depression from the prision of taboo subjects and some strides can be made as to the how's and why's and treatments that help solve the issues rather than simply treat the symptoms can become available. That soldiers and others can get the treatments they need without having to deal with the social stigma. If, after all, a man who seemed so happy and alive and took so much joy bringing others happiness can fall prey to such a horrible disease, can't anyone? It's time we knock down the barriers and have some open and honest conversations with each other about this disease. It's time we stopped looking at those with depression as somehow broken or unfit and realize that it can truly happened to anyone, soldiers and civilians alike. It's time we look around at each other and realize that it doesn't take that much fucking effort to ask someone how they're doing, to pick up the phone and give them a call, to tell them you're there to listen if they need you, or to simply tell them you love and care about them. And you know what, if the depression caused suicide of Robin Williams helps us to achieve those goals and others I'm likely forgetting, than the attention that his death has brought can't be a bad thing.
As I've stated previously in this blog, I myself, am not a veteran. However, I retain close relationships with many within my family, friends, and other social circles. Because of this and my desire to study and understand human behavior, I'm often involved in conversations and reading material from a variety of sources that pertain to the military and stories and accounts of aftercare, the VA, ect. While I can, in no-way, have a perfect or complete understanding of military life or many of the post-service problems that arise, by educating myself as much as possible I'm enabled to better receive and communicate with my friends and family when and if I'm require too. Being that I'm married to and a caretaker for a veteran, this course of action has helped me to help her to the best of my ability many times over.
It is currently estimated that 22 veterans in the United States commit suicide every day. Twenty Two... That equates to 8030 veteran suicides a year. It's a number that seems so unbelievably high that it nearly betrays belief. However, that's 8030 families that are all too aware of exactly how believable it is. In the past few days I've seen the same question come up over and over. Why is the suicide of Robin Williams making so much news both in this country and around the world while the veteran suicide rate seems to be nothing more than a blip on the radar? I hope I can at least give a partial answer, or at least display some intelligence while conveying what my thoughts are.
The one main thing that Williams had that most, if not all the veterans don't have, is the vast connection with so many others. I'm not referring to family or friend connections. Williams connected with people all over the world. They saw him in movies, on tv, doing comedy, and making trips overseas to entertain the troops. He was very likable and came across as approachable. He was someone who you felt like you'd want to know. And he was real. He wasn't surrounded by a hoard of hangers on and didn't speak in the third person. When you saw him do an interview you felt as if you knew him. And that's why I believe his death has resonated with people the way it has. You felt as though you lost someone you knew personally. I never have much of a response to the death of a celebrity, suicide or otherwise. But Williams death was different, it did mean something to me.
Seeing Dead Poets Society when I was in my early teens and then again as I got older, made me think about things in a different way and perhaps in someways shaped the way I've made decisions in life. That's no small feat for anyone. The only other people that have had the effect on my life are my family and closest friends. You see, I don't think that his death is important to people simply because he's a celebrity; I think it's important to people because in some way he had an impact on their life. I'm positive all of the 22 vets who commit suicide daily have had impacts on the lives of others also, but it's not seen and therefore doesn't seem as personal. I don't believe that most people think losing 22 vets per day is unimportant, but it is my belief that they don't hold the same personal connection they felt with the Williams death and therefore it's simply not as important in their lives. This is not to degrade them or discount their service, it's simply human nature to react differently to the death of someone depending on the impact they've had in our lives.
A couple of years ago, perennial Pro-Bowl selection and likely future NFL Hall-Of-Famer Junior Seau committed suicide. He did so in a way that his brain would be left to science to be examined. At the time, the link between multiple blows to the head, TBI, and depression was still in it's infancy. There had been other former players that had also committed suicide but it was his death that awoke the public consciousness. Why? He had name recognition yes, but he also presented him self as a very likable person. An every man who was living his dream and unlike many athletes, who showed up to work hard everyday because he was aware of how lucky he was to be in that position. The news of his death hit the sports world like wild fire and then transferred over to the public at large. Since then a mountain of data has become available on the connection between TBI and emotions and strides are being made in treating people not only on the athletic field of play, but those involved in accidents involving head trauma as well as injuries received on the battlefield. Had it not been for his popularity and name recognition scientists might still be attempting to make the connections.
Why would I bring this up? Because I'm hoping the same thing can happen with the death of Robin Williams. Perhaps we can finally release depression from the prision of taboo subjects and some strides can be made as to the how's and why's and treatments that help solve the issues rather than simply treat the symptoms can become available. That soldiers and others can get the treatments they need without having to deal with the social stigma. If, after all, a man who seemed so happy and alive and took so much joy bringing others happiness can fall prey to such a horrible disease, can't anyone? It's time we knock down the barriers and have some open and honest conversations with each other about this disease. It's time we stopped looking at those with depression as somehow broken or unfit and realize that it can truly happened to anyone, soldiers and civilians alike. It's time we look around at each other and realize that it doesn't take that much fucking effort to ask someone how they're doing, to pick up the phone and give them a call, to tell them you're there to listen if they need you, or to simply tell them you love and care about them. And you know what, if the depression caused suicide of Robin Williams helps us to achieve those goals and others I'm likely forgetting, than the attention that his death has brought can't be a bad thing.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Busy Summer
I've been away from this for far too long. The truth is this summer has been crazy busy but it's not that I couldn't have found a few minutes here and there to get a post written, it's that when I've sat to write I ended up thinking about a million other things and posts don't get finished. I have four of them that are half done currently and awaiting me to finish and post them. So how is it that this one got written? I have a limited need to come up with original thought as I'm basically recapping what's happened. LOL. It's much easier to simply put down what I've/we've been up to with basically not commentary about it.
Jimmy was supposed to spend the summer with his dad but that got cut short three weeks in. Middle school football up here starts in the middle of the summer not at the end like we were anticipating so it required him to come back 5 weeks early. This was an understandable bummer for him and his dad and step mom but all of us want Jimmy to be able to participate in things he enjoys and he's been talking about playing football for over a year so we made it happen. I'm hoping when the season is over we can get him an extra weekend or two down there before the next sports season arrives.
Marilyn has joined the local American Legion and been super busy with her pottery. It's grown to the point where we can barely contain it in the house! She has 3 huge projects going on right now that need to all be complete in the next couple months so there are days when we barely see each other. First up on the list? Completing a new sculpture piece that will be unveiled at Freedom Fest next month.
Speaking of Freedom Fest, she and I have both become involved with volunteering to help insure it's success. She's been coming up with some great ideas and seeing them through and I've been volunteering time to help get the venue ready for the all day event that will be raising money to build a new Veteran Center in the area. So many people from different walks of life are coming together to help this thing go off as smoothly as possible, it's truly been a great experience. In the next couple of days or weeks I'll hopefully have another post dedicated to the event itself.
Since we're staying here at least another year, I've been busy at work trying to get our firewood for the year. It's definitely a more difficult task with no tractor to help get the wood out but it's coming along. Along with the daily chores and other things that pop up it's certainly been a busy summer thus far with no signs of slowing down. Hopefully my brain will begin to though because it's hard to become a writer when you don't write.
Jimmy was supposed to spend the summer with his dad but that got cut short three weeks in. Middle school football up here starts in the middle of the summer not at the end like we were anticipating so it required him to come back 5 weeks early. This was an understandable bummer for him and his dad and step mom but all of us want Jimmy to be able to participate in things he enjoys and he's been talking about playing football for over a year so we made it happen. I'm hoping when the season is over we can get him an extra weekend or two down there before the next sports season arrives.
Marilyn has joined the local American Legion and been super busy with her pottery. It's grown to the point where we can barely contain it in the house! She has 3 huge projects going on right now that need to all be complete in the next couple months so there are days when we barely see each other. First up on the list? Completing a new sculpture piece that will be unveiled at Freedom Fest next month.
Speaking of Freedom Fest, she and I have both become involved with volunteering to help insure it's success. She's been coming up with some great ideas and seeing them through and I've been volunteering time to help get the venue ready for the all day event that will be raising money to build a new Veteran Center in the area. So many people from different walks of life are coming together to help this thing go off as smoothly as possible, it's truly been a great experience. In the next couple of days or weeks I'll hopefully have another post dedicated to the event itself.
Since we're staying here at least another year, I've been busy at work trying to get our firewood for the year. It's definitely a more difficult task with no tractor to help get the wood out but it's coming along. Along with the daily chores and other things that pop up it's certainly been a busy summer thus far with no signs of slowing down. Hopefully my brain will begin to though because it's hard to become a writer when you don't write.
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