Dealing with PTSD, Depression, and Suicide as a friend or family member

This post is going to deviate slightly from the basic premise of this blog.  If you've read any of the previous posts you're aware that this blog was started to discuss my day to day life as the now husband and caretaker of a disabled veteran.  While some of the subjects I'll discuss today are relevant to that, the overall theme today is more about what we can do as friends and family to help returning veterans as they make the tough transition to civilian life.  Being that I'm also writing this on the 12th anniversary of 9/11, I'm also going to include our first responders in this as well since many of them also see the kind of hell on a daily basis that over time can bring about issues.

Before I begin, for anyone new to this blog, I myself am not a veteran.  I'm also not a firefighter, EMT, or LEO.  I'm married to a vet, friends with cops, and two of my best friends are vets.  I'm also not one of those people who hangs on in an attempt to distract attention away from their accomplishments and service or garner something for myself.  I met Marilyn on-line knowing nothing of her past, my cop friends are people I've been hanging out with since high school or earlier, and the two vets (who also stood with me at my wedding) ironically became friends through an ex-girlfriend (one is her brother-in-law.)  In actuality, I try to distance myself from all of them if the topic of service, be it military or public, comes up because the idea of stealing someones valor, intentionally or unintentionally makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm just a regular guy who's met some great people along the way in life and like everyone, they have a back story.

So where am I going with today's post?  Being friends with people who've seen and been through so much has given me a unique perspective into dealing with PTSD and depression as a friend and family member.  This does not, by an means, mean that I know everything.  It doesn't even mean I know a little about the subject to be quite honest.  But one thing I do know is that it's real.  I've seen the breakdowns. I've seen the tears. I've heard the stories. I've seen the stares off into space. And I seen the quick subject changes that come when a topic is brought up and is a little too close to home.  Today's post is just a mix of what's worked for me and what may help you as a friend and loved one.  Some, are perhaps things you've heard before but I've also included some you may not have thought of.  I also leave this open to comments from people with far more knowledge than I; including those who are or have dealt PTSD, Depression, and thoughts of Suicide.

1.)  If you weren't there, don't attempt to correlate what they went through to an experience you had or something you went through:
      Your high school sports team is not the same as being in a military unit.  I know this and many others know this.  However, from what I've heard and read from those who've been in the military, apparently many people don't.  You're comparing apples to oranges.  Just because you were part of a team doesn't mean equality unless, while you were on the field playing, you were dodging mortars instead of tacklers, defenders, ect..  Similarly, dealing with death is also different.  While your grandma's passing was a tough time I'm sure, having your friend die in battle right in front of you is going to play much more traumatically in your mind.  Take a second, close your eyes and imagine someone you really love:  a best friend, child, spouse.  Now think about them dying in some gruesome way.  Does it still feel the same as getting a phone call that your great aunt died?  If it does, there's something seriously fucking wrong with you.  If someone feels close enough to open up to you about something terrible, keep your ears open and your mouth shut and let them get it out.  Perhaps ask a few questions if you feel comfortable enough doing so.  But remember, it's their time.  Don't steal those needed moments from them.

2.)  Don't ask stupid questions:
      I think the famous one that idiots ask is, "Did you kill anyone other there."  This can be followed with, "How many people did you kill" and "what's it like to kill someone".  I mean really?  Is our culture really that fucking dense that we still think it's ok to ask these questions?  I've seen children ask these questions and while it's not acceptable obviously, they simply don't understand.  They're most likely associating war, shootings, death, ect with things they've seen on TV.  And I think that's ok to a point.  It's an opportunity to teach them something and most vets I've talked to, while uncomfortable about it obviously, have understanding when it comes to questions children ask.  However, if you're an adult and being that insensitive and ignorant you deserve the fist that you may receive in the mouth.  Sorry, but you're supposed to be a grown up.  There are more than enough reference materials floating around now that you should be well aware of what's acceptable.

3.)  Don't be in a hurry:
      Chances are if someone is comfortable enough to begin talking to you about their experience or experiences it's not all going to come out at once.  As a matter or fact, most people don't reveal everything about too many topics all at once.  It will come out over time and you have to realize that.  It may take months or years to find out everything that happened.  You may never get all the information.  But you need to exercise patience.  Let them talk at their own pace.  What they may not trust revealing now they may over time once they work it out in their own mind.  Perhaps you haven't built up enough trust with them for them to get into too much detail.  That's ok, it really is.  There's no need to poke and prod to try and satisfy your own curiosity and there's no guarantee that the faster they talk about something the faster they'll get over it and move on.  Respect and work with the process.  It'll go much better for the both of you.    

4.)  You're going to be uncomfortable:
      It's just a reality that if you've never experienced something like that, if someone is attempting to open up to you about it, you're going to be somewhat uncomfortable about it.  I know the first few times it happened I sure as hell was.  I think sometimes it's where issue where number one arises.  You're uncomfortable and rather than feel that way you attempt to fill in the blank space.  Do yourself and your loved one a favor:  Don't.  Again, it's their time so let them have it.  There will be times later to discuss other things but now is not it.

5.)  Reach out...and don't stop:
    I believe it's important for these people to know that A.)  You care, B.)  You're available, and C.) That you have their back.  If you've called your buddy and invited him over or out for a beer 5 times and he's declined, make the call a 6th, 7th, 100th time.  Remember, it's not about you and your pride.  Perhaps they'll stop answering your calls for awhile but there's a lot to be said for looking at your missed call list and seeing a friend or families number on there repeatedly when you're going through a tough time.  Stop by and see how they're doing.  Make them dinner and drop it off from time to time.  Offer to take them on a hiking trip or to a ball game or something that interests or interested them previously.  Just make sure they know you're there if they need you.

6.)  Do your own research:
      By doing your own research I'm not talking about clinical research; I'm talking about research that may help you gain an understanding of what it is they went and are going through.  I have pages on facebook that I follow for this simple reasons.  It's from one of them that I actually had the idea for this article.  It's a veteran owned and operated site and this week they've been publishing blog posts about PTSD and suicide among returning vets.  You can learn a lot from people who've been there and are now willing to discuss it.  You can get some insight as to what's going on in their mind and by having that insight it may help you react if the time ever comes when someone close to you is going through it.  Another valuable resource for me has been the works of Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, author of 'On Killing' and 'On Combat'.  These two works are great in my opinion not only for Leo's and soldiers, but also for those who see the indirect results of combat on a consistent basis.

7.)  Talk to them in a way that allows them to talk back:
     If they're someone you care about talk to them.  And don't talk at them, talk to them.  And yes, there's a difference.  Don't attempt to tell someone how they should feel or try to put a time line on when they may begin feeling better or moving past what's bothering them.  It doesn't work like that no matter how much you want it too.  It all goes back to number 2.  Just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn't give you the right to be a selfish asshole.  You don't and can't know what's going on in their mind.  Again, what you can do is be there for them.  I've heard a lot of stories that I won't repeat here or anywhere else because it would violate a trust I hold dear but needless to say I've heard some pretty horrible accounts of things.  However, here's where it gets tricky for most people.  I listened rather than talked through most of it.  Let me say that again...I L.I.S.T.E.N.E.D!  I was shown an unimaginable amount of trust and in that moment you have to realize that it's not about you; it's about them.  I tend to ask some questions but that all comes down to the relationship you have with that person and your own insight into who they are.  It also comes down to your own general intelligence and whether or not you think you can ask questions that are appropriate.  Not everyone has that insight into themselves and if you don't think your questions will be helpful, just listen and let them talk until their ready to move on to something else.

8.)  Don't make fun of, bully, or patronize, ect.
      My wife actually led me to this one from a story that happened that I'll share.  We hadn't been together for only a few months when one night while lying on the couch we heard this very loud "bang" that I actually thought was a shotgun going off.  Living as close as we did to my family, it was not unheard of to hear something like that for me as rodents have been dispatched from time to time that way while growing up.  However, Marilyn was shaking and flush colored from being startled so suddenly.  I went outside to search out the source but could find no sign of anyone and was left shaking my head.  Awhile later I went to the fridge and found out that a can of biscuits had built up enough pressure inside to explode open.  It was funny then but what she appreciated was that I laughed (along with her) about it later.  I didn't judge her or make fun; I had enough understanding from talking to her previously to know that loud, unexpected noises were troublesome.  Fireworks are another trigger for her and many, many other veterans as are heavily populated areas.  Not every trigger can be avoided, but using someone else's emotional breaks for your own amusement can be.  Do what you can to bring them back closer to their comfort zone and perhaps later on, when the time is right you can both have a laugh at it.    


9.)  Seek your own help:
      I have no experience in the mental health field.  I have an interest in psychology and human behavior so I  read and study it somewhat as a hobby but a professional I am not.  That being said, it can be helpful to have someone to talk to yourself.  Not only can you get out what's going on in a place that won't judge you or your friend/loved one, but they can potentially give you tools and advice for dealing with it.  I know there can be a stigma for getting mental health help but the reality is that there's nothing wrong with it.  Seeking advice from someone who's made it their life's work to study, analyze, and understand the human mind is no different than going to a mechanic to have work done on your car.  It's what they do and they have a much better understanding than anyone else on the subject. Use the tools and information available to you.  It'll help you and your loved one.  


I'm not going to lie, it's not always easy.  Our vets and public servants are not only dealing with the trauma; they also get to deal with the current stigma associated with PTSD as well as the knowledge that they're not the same person and the strain it can put on those around them.  What we can do as friends and family is let them know that we can handle the strain.  That it's ok for them to let it out if they need too and that we love them and are there for them when and if they need it.  That we're not going to run from them in their time of need like they didn't run when we needed them.  Do things change overnight?  Nope.  It's a long haul thing and there's no guarantee things will go back to the way they were previously.  However, it's rewarding.  It's rewarding like nothing else that can be imagined.  To let someone know that you're going to have their back through thick and thin, through good times and bad; that you're not going to leave their side just because things are hard...that's not a little thing.  That's one of the big ones.

Whirlwind

Boy, what a crazy few weeks it's been.  First things first:  I'm officially a married man!  The misses and I made it official on August 10th in front of roughly 70 people.  Having planned the whole thing and executed it ourselves (and with the help of some family and friends) I can honestly say I'm glad it's over!  The last week was nothing but pure craziness leading up to the main event.  We had her family visiting, work trying to get done around the house, me running around trying to accomplish tasks while putting out the minor fires (not literal fires FYI) all over the place, Marilyn trying to close out last minute details so I could accomplish some of the tasks.  It was a lot of build up and thankfully all the hard work paid off with some good weather and a wedding day that went off better than we could have hoped.  Even the kids and dogs were well behaved and we had no real major incidents.

One of the interesting things I did learn from the whole deal was who's got my back if I need them.  I'm not talking about the people I can call if I need help.  I'm talking about those that don't wait for me to call.  That can see just from looking at me that my stress level is nearing max capacity and I need a hand getting things done.  Call it pride or whatever, I'm shit at asking for help and don't generally do it unless I'm in way over my head.  I was ever so thankful that I had some people at the wedding that didn't wait to be asked; that noticed issues and fixed them so I didn't even realize there had been a problem until I was informed of it later.  It was huge and I'm incredibly grateful to those people.

We also found out a couple days after the wedding that a house we'd made an offer on fell through.  Thank you Fannie Mae for being dicks.  I could get into the whole story in a seperate post but suffice it to say they don't appear to be inclined to work with potential home buyers if they own the home and would apparently rather let an unused house sit and rot rather than make any negotiations.  It was and still is frustrating because it was the first house we've looked at that Marilyn and I have both really liked and didn't need a boat load of money to fix up.  (We're looking more for a fixer upper than move in ready because it will both give me the ability to make it ours and they also tend to be cheaper so we can get more home for our money).  Now we're back to the drawing board and preparing for another winter at our current location.  Hopefully something will come up before the snow flies but at this point we have no choice but to prepare to be at our present location.

After that things get a bit blurry.  We're holding off on a honeymoon both for financial (see wanting a house above) and because Jimmy began 6th grade last week.  Because of that, last week we made the four hour drive south so Marilyn could have an ambulatory EEG (description: http://www.epilepsy.com/epilepsy/eeg_ambulatory) done over the weekend.  Basically, they hooked up her head with a bunch of electrodes and recorded what her brain did all weekend in the search for why she's having seizures and to potentially give us some clue as to why she's having such big issues with her legs.

Once we returned home, the next day was off to two more appointments with the "local" doctors....60 miles away!  Honestly, between the traveling to the EEG, the local docs, and the extra driving I did over the weekend to accomplish some tasks and see some people I hadn't visited in awhile, I spent more ass time than I could have fathomed.  I was ready to be home for a few days and to get to work on some tasks left unfinished due to the hectic nature of the past few weeks.  Well, I've gotten what I asked for.  Laundry, dishes, house cleaning have all been getting accomplished along with getting Jimmy up and off for school and attempting to get into some sort of routine.

It's been crazy around here and I'm not sure when it's going to slow down.  Winter is coming whether we like it or not and I have a million things to do to prep for it.  White tale archery, duck, and partridge hunting seasons begin in a little over a month as well Jimmy's 6 month hockey season.  Sometimes I feel like my damn head is spinning and I have so many projects I have no idea where to begin.  At the same time, after already experiencing one winter up here I fully realize that at some point things will slow down to a near crawl as the temperature gauge hits 25-30 below zero and everything in nature goes into hibernation.  I guess, all I can say at this point is, I can't wait for short time of year I get to be sitting in a tree stand listening to the sounds of nature and the only human voice is the one in my head.  For those days are the ones where I can truly reflect on the simple things.  

Change Is In The Air

It's been awhile since I've been on this thing.  For the past couple months I've had a sever case of writers block that not only extended itself to this, but it's also crept into my ability to write creatively.  Basically, my brain has been fried with what seems like a mountain of changes that have been happening within our family.  So, this post is basically to catch everyone up on what's been going on the past few months with the hope I'll be able to put myself back on track to keep up with this on a more regular basis.

The wedding is only 11 days away as of this writing.  Since we're doing much of the work ourselves and having the wedding at home we've been busy, busy, busy, making last minute preparations. (I would also like to take this time to say a huge thank you to my family as well; especially my mom and grandmother who've been instrumental in getting things together and accomplished.)  There's still quite a bit to do but thankfully next week I have some reinforcements coming in in the persons of Marilyns' dad, sister, and her boyfriend so we can finish up some of the landscaping work and house preparation for the winter.

Jimmy came to live with us about two months ago.  I have to say, as much of a change as its been getting used to having another person in the house to watch after it's very exciting as well.  He's such a great kid and a joy to have around.  Not to mention, I can steal some of my parents old tricks for getting him to give me a hand doing work around the house when needed.  ;)  Seriously though, he's so inquizitive about everything around him and picks up on new tasks and ideas quickly it's fun for me because not only can I show him new and different ways of doing things. He's also at the stage where he's developing his own unique ways of solving problems as well.  For a person who likes to be challenged, he keeps my life interesting to say the least!  HA!

We're currently looking for a new home closer to my family and better medical care for Marilyn.  Yes, I know I haven't written an in-dept post of how we came to live here in the first place but it will be the subject of a future post I promise.  Anyways, what a pain in the ass this is!  Thankfully our list of wants match up fairly well so that's making it easier but the damn process for finding, securing, and closing on a home seems much more complicated than in really needs to be.  Not to mention the time involved to do such things!  Seeing as how we live anywhere from 3 to 4 hours away from all potential locations, it makes going to check places out both time consuming and expensive with the price of fuel constantly going up.

I guess I'll close it out with a few incidentals.  I finished the complete Rushfit Beginner program and have tried to start intermediate 2 but failed after a couple of weeks.  Tonight I try for the third time to start and stick with it.  This was much easier during the winter when I really had nothing else going on!  HA!  I competed in and completed my first adventure race, the Tough Mountain Challenge at Sunday River Ski Resort a couple weeks ago.  So much fun and I'm already planning and preparing to do another race in New Hampshire this fall (Hopefully that is.  Still a few details to work out since it's an 8 hour drive)  Marilyn seems to have found a niche' market for her pottery by making sculptures, many of them Maine themed and some of them being working lamps and even some bird feeders and she's also become quite the avid gardner.

It's been quite a summer thus far and will only get better in a little over a week. Big changes are happening and are going to continue to happen for at least the next few months.  I'm already looking forward to a time when I can settle down in my new home, with friends and family, a cold locally brewed adult beverage, and a camp fire.  For those are the times when everyone can talk and laugh and truly enjoy the simple things.

The Arrival of Spring

Off the four seasons I think spring is my favorite though this opinion may change come fall when the nights begin to chill and you can smell the freshness of frost in the air.  However, I can't lie; fall also brings hunting season so my opinion on the subject may be a little skewed.  But alas, I really do love spring.  Walking through the woods the other day I noticed fresh scrapings on a tree indicating that a bear had awoken from it's winter slumber and is on the roam in our back yard.  A couple of days later, Marilyn and I were sitting on the porch drinking our morning coffee and a bald eagle flew overhead and was circling above our field.  The spring birds are out, the grass is turning green, and I have a full slate of landscaping project ahead of me that will supply my body with vitamin D on a daily basis.  It's almost like you can feel renewal of your body as, like the bear, it awakens from it's winter slumber.

For me this time of a year feels like the time when anything is possible.  I know many use January 1 to make resolutions and list the changes they'd like to make in their lives but for me it's spring.  This is the time of year when Marilyn can go outside, whether it be with her crutches or wheel chair depending on the day, and sit in her garden and work just like someone without her limitations.  She can work on her pottery and artwork outside and use the suns warmth to try and heal herself as well as provide a unique aspect to her life's work.  We can work side by side on outside projects rather than being in two separate areas of the house because we're divided by dissimilar interests.  Yes, I love spring.

Our spring has brought about a few major happenings in the past couple of weeks in our little corner of the world.  Marilyn, who started a kickstarter project to raise money for some needed pottery equipment a couple weeks ago, reached her initial goal this week.  She's now well on her way to her secondary goals with a little over a week left.  I want to take a minute before continuing on to thank everyone who contributed to her project.  It's amazing the outpouring of support and outreach she's received.  

This week she also had an article about her project and a synopsis of her story printed in the local newspaper.  The woman who interviewed her and wrote the article did an outstanding job and I was very appreciative of the quality of her work.  I think one of the funniest parts about the whole deal was the fact that the journalist is a friend of one of my groomsman and none of us had any idea until after the fact.  6 degrees of separation indeed.

My spring and summer project list is finally under way.  Up until two weeks ago we still had snow and I was getting concerned whether I'd have enough time to get everything done.  While it's still a concern, it's lessened with a week and a half of 65+ degree days and very fast snow melt.  Summer landscaping in preparation for the wedding started last week with some hardscaping projects.  The mower has been serviced and ready to go for the year, and planting will commence in a couple weeks so we'll have not only some beautiful flowers to look at throughout the summer season, but hopefully quality fresh veggies to enjoy as well.  While I have many other projects, some big and some small, it's great to feel as though the preparation part of spring is nearly complete and from here forward I can simply do the work and start checking them off the list.  

The truth is, spring brings a renewal not just to the earth and animal kingdom, but to all of us as well if we let it.  While it's true that we have the ability to have such thoughts and makeovers all year long, it's as if our bodies are naturally drawn to the season to cleanse ourselves of the previous years toxins.  The air drys and clears, the sun warms us and draws the toxins from our bodies, and the spring rains change the ground and the trees from dull browns and black to a vast array of vibrant colors.  There is a reason to every season and for me, the reason for spring comes down to a few words:  Future, Hope, and Optimism.   

A Week of Wow

This is the first opportunity I've had to write in a couple weeks and a lot has happened with our little family since then.  More than that though, a lot has happened in our country.  While we were not directly affected; everyone, especially those with children I think, has had to deal with the reality that our world is changing and perhaps not for the better.  

Nearly two weeks ago we made the trip to the southern part of the state to pick up Jimmy from his step mom as it was the beginning of his spring vacation from school and he was coming to stay with us for the week.  Aside from the 9 hours of driving required to get down there and back, it was a pretty awesome day as we hadn't had the chance to see him for a couple months.  Once we got home that evening, he helped me get all the luggage in, the car cleaned out, and a fire started in the wood stove before we settled in for the evening; me in my chair and him with his mom on the couch (though he did take a few breaks to get on the floor and play with the dog).  It wasn't long before Marilyn needed to go lay down (long trips like that wear her down pretty bad unfortunately) and he and I stayed up for awhile watching some TV and catching up on his hockey season and karate lessons.  You know, man talk.    

Now, I have to tell you that up until that point we still had snow...a lot of it!  We have two driveways, one that's gravel and one that's not.  The gravel one is steep and at the bottom there's really no place to put plowed snow so for the winter we shut it down and use the back driveway because once it freezes over it works great.  However, what we didn't know and didn't think of when we moved up here is what happens in the spring.  We now have a 1/3 mile mud run that we were trying to drive in and out of when we needed to go somewhere.  The night we drove back in from getting Jimmy was the night it also became all but impassible.  This left us with a serious issue and only one way to solve it...with a shovel.  And solve it we did.  Though it wasn't fun by any stretch of the imagination, Jimmy and I spent the better part of two days working and shoveling our asses off (and no it wasn't forced child labor.  LOL) and finally got it so we could get our SUV in and out and keep us from getting trapped.  It was a good lesson for him in doing things you don't want to do because they need to be done but I'll tell you this much; I learned that lesson a long damn time ago and hope by next year I have a tractor in the door yard so I don't have to repeat it!  hahaha.

The rest of the week was pretty great.  Jimmy spent time with his mom doing pottery, writing stories, doing arts and crafts, talking, and playing games.  With me we went four wheeling, snow shoeing, played some catch with a baseball, and he ran the dog damn near into the ground throwing him tennis balls out in the field!  In addition to shoveling he also helped me with firewood, laundry, dishes, and had no problem doing an hour of reading every day.  He fell right into doing his chores and learned a valuable lesson....he can't put as much firewood in the wheelbarrow as I do and still expect to move it.  :)

With all the fun and good that came of last week, there was of course, the bad.  While it had nothing to do with him directly, I'm of course referring to the events that took place in Boston and also what happened in West, Texas.  The explosion and deaths in Texas are much easier to explain to an 11 year old I think.  While they are certainly tragic, as of the time I'm writing this, I haven't heard of any evidence that it was an intentional act.  While it may be found that there were human errors that led to the fire and explosion that took place, I think it the mind of a child that simply correlates to an accident.  When terrible things like that happen, if children have questions you can use the incident to promote valuable lessons if approached properly.  That option is off that table when attacks such as that that took place in Boston occur.

Even now, with him not here, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how to explain to a child what took place in Boston.  It's all the harder when the child only lives a couple of hours away from the location.  At 11 years old I think we know some of what's going on but not all of it.  Perhaps just enough to confuse us and that's what we ran in to.  He understood that someone had set bombs at the marathon and that they were bad people but to answer why they did it it nearly impossible.  Of course, for the first couple of days there weren't even any suspects which made those questions all the harder to answer.  He had a few questions that we answered as best we could and I could see his mind working to try and put the pieces together.  In all honesty I was doing the same thing he was every time I'd hear an update.  By the end I'm still not 100% sure he was understanding it but then again I'm not sure most of us were.  For me, my revelation that the world was going to hell was the 1993 Oklahoma City Bombing and at that point I was 10.  It was hammered home with 9/11.  I wonder, when he's 30, if he'll look back at this even and have the same thought.  Of course, at that point we hadn't had school shootings on the scale we have recently so it's hard to say which will have the most impact.

For the evil we witnessed in Boston there was one caveat on Patriots Day and we made a point to show Jimmy.  That was the good that was displayed by those around the events.  All the people running in to harms way to help the injured.  The first responders and the regular citizens, who not knowing if there were more bombs, rushed to the aid of complete strangers.  All the blood donations the area hospitals received to the point they had to stop accepting any more.  For the evil that was done to the persons killed and those who were injured, the good shown through in the actions of their fellow humans.  If there's one thing a child understands it's hero's and you could see the admiration in Jimmy's eyes when we were explaining why these people were hero's.  

So, what to make of last week.  I think it's becoming an all too common theme that parents need to figure out a ways to explain such events to their children.  All we can do is approach the questions with an open mind and answer them as honestly as we can.  I think most importantly however, is to let them know that we will not let evil shut us down.  Don't let it over take you or them.  Rather than sitting and watching all the news coverage; take them outside to play, watch a ball game, go four wheeling, make some crafts, meet some new friends.  The best way to conquer the evil meant to paralyze us is to look it dead in the eyes, tell it to Fuck Off , help those you can, and live your life with a smile.             

    

What's normal

I've had a comment made to me time and time again and it's both confusing and frustrating and often leaves me thinking for a time after.  While I was sleeping this morning, Marilyn was on the phone with one of her girlfriends and apparently I came up in discussion.  As happens often apparently, the comment or comments were made that I'm 'special' for my willingness to stand by Marilyn as we face all her health issues.  For me it seems obvious but apparently I'm alone in this as many others find it astounding.  I guess my question is why?

It's a serious question that I have never received a proper answer too.  Am I so different from other men because I'm willing to stand by the woman I love?  I guess I'm just having trouble processing the idea.  My grandparents have been married for 50+ years so for me standing by her is a no brainer.  Is it really that different for other men?  Is it just men in our society that have this issue?  Or is it simply a perception that woman have of men?  Believe me, I'm not trying to be an ass I'm asking a serious question.  I can't imagine my grandfather leaving my grandmother, not after I saw him there through her treatments for breast cancer.  Not when she was pregnant with my mother at a very young age and they struggled mightily as so many people of that generation did.  Or maybe it wasn't witnessing the strength of their marriage; perhaps it was witnessing the struggles my own parents had and the fact that they're still together despite issues that arose during their marriage.

Now I realize that our society has become one of instant gratification and people tend to try and get what they want when they want it.  Nowadays that mentality is often introduced in childhood, continues though the teen years, and sought after by young adults until they realize that it's not possible when other people are no longer paying your bills.  But does that same attitude bleed into our personal lives as well?  Is that the reason people seem to think that I'm somehow a better person than I am?  Believe me, I'm as guilty as anyone of putting the necessary things aside to get things I want immediately.  I've made some big mistakes in my life.  Mistakes that have hurt others and mistakes that didn't uphold that values that I've tried to carry myself with. But, for me at least, those mistakes became learning tools as I think they're supposed to.  With age comes wisdom at least so I've been told.  Is it that people aren't learning from their mistakes?  Are they not listening when people tell them about their own mistakes?

For me, there's nothing remarkable about what I'm doing which is nothing more than standing with the person I love and will soon be vowing to spend the rest of my life with.  Rather than think myself somehow extraordinary or better than others, if it's true that I'm somehow outside the norm doesn't that say something negative about the society we've become rather than something stellar about myself?  Are we no longer developing the kind of men that stand up for what's right?  For love?  For family?  Perhaps it's not I and others who help and care for their loved ones that are outside natures norm but everyone who would be unwilling to make the same sacrifice.  

Stress Test

When one becomes a care taker within the VA program, how to properly deal with stress becomes a focal point.  As I've found, being a caretaker comes with inherent stresses that are quite different than the traditional stresses of every day life.  Along with that, I think if you're a person who's mind is constantly running, like myself, that stress can magnify if you're not careful.  Learning to deal with stressful situations and the side effects is just as important as learning the required duties of being a caretaker.  If you put yourself in a position where you're unable to care for yourself, obviously you're not going to be able to care for your loved one.

One of the major stress relievers that's emphasized for any caretaker is utilizing family and friends to give you a break.  Just a little time away to clear your head, relax, and have the possibility of needing to jump into action at a moments notice removed from your shoulders.  It makes sense right?  In all parts of life that come with stress eventually you have to take a break before it breaks you.  Parents may have a movie night away from the kids, you may take a vacation from your job, ect.  Simply put, it's a time when you don't have to think about your responsibilities.  In our living situation, I don't really have that option.

Before we moved to our current location four hours north, my job was a huge source of relief.  I know some people may be surprised but I had a job I really enjoyed working for people who were great to both Marilyn and I.  They were more than willing to work around the times I needed off to take her to doctors appointments and to deal with other things that arose.  Since it was landscaping, I also had the ability to work outside and physically burn off any stress that was accumulating.  Between the move and our schedule once we relocated I lost that outlet.  Obviously being so far away I couldn't continue to work for them.  Marilyn had appointments constantly for the first month, and her health was in a constant state of flux.  After a trip to Virginia for an appointment and to visit her parents, we came back and it was immediately time to get ready for a long, cold winter.  (Though it was MUCH longer and colder than we anticipated.  It's April 10th and it snowed this morning)

I also had to give up my chiropractor, which for anyone who's had a good one, sucks.  I'm not a real big fan of traditional medicine so for me it was like giving up a a trusted family doctor for yourself and your children.  Not an easy thing.  On top of that, I was making real progress dealing with some past athletic injuries and I knew I could potentially be facing sever discomfort again.  Some people can just pick people out of the yellow pages and be happy with the care they receive but I'm very finicky about who puts their hands on my body so getting another chiro was out of the question.  This holds true even now.  I still don't have a new one because I haven't reached a good comfort level with the idea and laying on a chiro table is not somewhere where you want to be having questions about or a lack of trust in the person treating you.

After a couple months of stress and letting it compound without releasing it, I decided to start weight lifting and working out.  Within two weeks I re-aggravated an old injury, which not only put me on the couch for two days, but happened right in the middle of hunting season, fucking up my favorite time of year.  At that point I was pretty pissed about almost everything but did my damndest not to let Marilyn see it.  I kept up with the daily ins and outs of life and put on a smile but the stress just kept building and building.  I was frustrated, tired, annoyed, and also drinking.

When I say drinking, I don't mean I was consuming mass amounts of alcohol and getting drunk every night.  But by most any standard I was drinking a lot of alcohol throughout the course of the day.  For the most part I drink beer and I do it because I enjoy the taste.  Other than for a little while in college, I've never been a drink strictly to get drunk person.  Come January though, I decided that it was time to amp back because while it wasn't a problem then, I had a fear that it could become a problem if I didn't smarten up.  It was around this time that I was watching TV early one morning and saw an infomercial that changed everything.  It was for TapOut XT, the home workout program.  It looked intriguing so I got online and while doing a comparison of it and P90X, I came across GSP Rushfit.  After only a few minutes I knew I wanted it and though I had to wait until the following month to make the purchase, that was nearly three months ago and I will finish the 80 day beginner program at the end of the week and am excited to begin the intermediate.

I was always involved in sports and working out so for me, the stress relief is in the challenge this program provides.  I like this one specifically but would recommend looking into the others depending on what your needs and desires may be.  I can't give a review on the rest because I've never done them.  But Rushfit has been huge for me.  I drink a few beers between the last night of my workouts for the week and on my one day off, but the rest of the week I drink mostly water because I don't want to cut into my gains needlessly.  The confidence gained in my health also led me to sign up for my first adventure race later this summer which I'm really looking forward too.

Another factor to the decrease in my stress level is good weather.  Cabin fever had set in for both Marilyn and I I think.  We don't really know anyone up here (I suck at meeting new people.) so we have limited exposure to other people. The weather has been shitty for the past 5 months, we don't have snow toys or a tractor to get out side and play with, and when there's four feet of snow on the ground it's a little hard to get out and get anything done in the yard.  However, with the increasing temps, snow melt, and spring birds arriving again I have the opportunity to get out and do things I enjoy.  Cutting firewood and delimbing trees for the time being will quickly turn into landscaping the yard for the wedding, throwing the ball for the dog while cooking dinner on the grill, and heading down to the river with a fishing poll in my hand and a smile on my face.

Learning to deal with the stresses of care taking can be confusing and frustrating from time to time but I think the key is learning what works for you.  I look forward to seeing my family and friends to help when schedules line up but I know for the time being it's not something I can rely on as a constant.  Find other things you can do.  I workout at home in the living room (which also save money on gym fees) and though I take my cell phone anytime I go in the woods, I can still take time to do things I enjoy while maintaining a close distance in case I'm needed.  I can't always get completely away from everything, but by keeping myself strong in mind and body, I can keep it manageable where it belongs.