It was a rough July in our household that culminated in a very rough weekend. I'm very much looking forward to the end of July 2015 and the beginning of August. While I'm not going to get into everything, the main points were: me being down for much of the month injured therefore having much of the summer work fall way, way behind, having the car act up repeatedly which has left me questioning the reliability, and losing yet another house, this time due to a failed home inspection. As I'm sitting here writing this I feel as though I'm finally at a point where I can take a deep breath and reflect on everything so we can sit and formulate a game plan without the added disruption of emotion coming into play. It was a rough month and a rough week and now it's time to move forward.
So here's what we have going for us. Caden is back home after his summer visit with his dad and school will be beginning for him soon (actually sooner than most in Maine as they go back early and then have a two week break next month for the potato harvest...an outdated practice that really makes no sense now-a-days..but I digress). Shawna's health for the most part has been pretty decent. She had a seizure a couple weeks ago but it was the first in a couple months so that's definitely a win. Her pain levels also haven't been as high recently which I'm going to attribute currently to a fairly mild summer with only a few hot days thrown in. My health has also improved. I've been back to the gym a couple times in the past week which was nice. Though I'm not 100% I'm also not laid up on the couch and have been able to resume tackling some of my summer projects, though at times I am required to stop and take a break though I may not want to.
The car is going in next week for some extended warranty work, which will hopefully allieviate the problem. However, I'm also waiting to hear back form a salesman about a potential trade-in for something that would fit the needs of our family a bit better. I also have somewhere between 10 and 15 more houses to look at sometime in the next week once the car issue is resolved. We've had to create a new plan to get more houses available to us but sometimes revision of the current plan is the only way to reach the goals of the future It's come to the point where our current location simply doesn't grant us the ability to meet our future goals. A change is needed and some things will need to be sacrificed to meet those goals. It's not perfect and we're not happy about some of the decisions we're having to make but that's what being an adult is all about I guess; making decisions that aren't perfect but rather are necessary. Thankfully, they haven't stopped making beer so those decisions have a chaser when needed.
The truth of the matter sometimes life just sucks. Things don't go according to plan or just the way you want. Bad things happen to everyone and while sometimes they're of our own making, just as often it's totally out of our control. We can't predict the future we can only hope to manipulate it as much as possible by our own actions and in-actions. There is no secret to life and if there were most of us wouldn't listen to it anyways because humans want the ability to decide for themselves and we can't do that without the benefit of our experiences. Sure, some shit in our life isn't turning our like we'd like but that doesn't mean we're void of opportunities. The fact that I'm writing this post currently is proof of that. It's something I enjoy, find beneficial, and allows me a mechanism for interacting with others. When we get the car fixed or traded in we'll have hopefully changed the circumstances of our ability to safely travel. Once we move we'll have better Dr.'s for Shawna to visit. Choices, decisions, actions; we all have a certain amount of control over each of these. What we chose to do with that control is up to us.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Man Down!
We've had a couple weeks of wacky in our household. One interesting thing about our life is that when you have one person already limited with their physical abilities, if the other one goes down it throws things into flux. That's where we're at right now. Shawna's health is a constant in that it's never 100%. Her medical issues are something that's always there. Of course some day's are better than others but unless something gets figured out in the future, we know that she's unlikely to wake up one day and her legs are magically better and she's able to stand and move around for more than 20 minutes to a time. It's an unfortunate fact of life for us. That means that in order for us to live day to day, my health on the other hand, must be good consistently. I'm not talking about coming down with a cold or flu, but rather my long term physical health. Since getting together and then moving to our current location we've had a couple of times when I was down for a day or two here and there with an injury but these past couple of weeks have been the first time I've been down for an extended period of time and well, it sucks.
A couple of weeks ago we were preparing to head south so that we could drop off Caden for the summer with his dad and then Shawna and I were going to spend the rest of the weekend looking at homes for sale. Before we left I wanted to hit the gym and get in my last workout for the week. Everything was going fine until I attempted my second set of dead lifts and felt something pull in my lower back/hip area. This was nothing new and a feeling I've actually grown accustomed to it's happened so many times. Hell, it was one of the reasons I started back at the gym in the first place. Regardless, I skipped the rest of the pulls and one other movement but finished the rest that didn't place a lot of stress on the affected area, came home, showered, and then we were off for the weekend. It was an uncomfortable but manageable ride as where the next couple of days and I figured once we were home I'd be able to rest it and be back on my feet by the end of the week. I was wrong.
The injury occurred two weeks ago tomorrow and in that time I've watched more shitty tv and spent more time on the couch and in bed than I'd care to do again for a long, long time. I've been to the chiropractor 3 times and it appears as though not only did I pull a muscle, I also managed to pinch a nerve. I'm essentially useless for doing anything. Hell, my wife is even having to help me put underwear and pants on because I can't really bend over without pain and weakness threatening to lunge me headfirst into the floor. Because of this, everything around the house is suffering. The laundry is not adding up too quickly thankfully because I'm wearing mostly t-shirts and shorts during the day. I managed to do the bigger dishes that Shawna has trouble managing so that's been ok but cooking has been tough so my diet is taking a hit. Grocery shopping the other day was much more miserable experience than usual. The dog is losing his mind because I can't take him out to play like he needs. The regular cleaning has been non-existent. A couple projects in the garage are on hold as is the work that needs done on my truck and all the outside work and preparation for winter. Sure it'll be waiting for me there when I'm healed but that's not the point. Some things are more times sensitive than others plus who wants to live in a completely unorganized house in need of cleaning? By far my biggest fear about living here has been what would happen if I also got hurt. These past couple of weeks I'm getting the opportunity to find out.
I think this is one of the biggest differences in our life to others. It's not better or worse, just different. Every family deals with something. Some only have a single, working parent to try and manage everything (my hats off to you folks! What you do is absolutely commendable!). Others are like us where one spouse is sick or injured. It definitely changes the dynamic of the household when something happens. On the plus sides I've been able to finish a book and have had to open up to receiving help from my wife. This allows us to work on our communication and teamwork skills which I think are huge in any marriage. There is definitely a silver lining to all this and now that I've learned these lessons...I need to hurry up and heal because I don't have time for this shit.
A couple of weeks ago we were preparing to head south so that we could drop off Caden for the summer with his dad and then Shawna and I were going to spend the rest of the weekend looking at homes for sale. Before we left I wanted to hit the gym and get in my last workout for the week. Everything was going fine until I attempted my second set of dead lifts and felt something pull in my lower back/hip area. This was nothing new and a feeling I've actually grown accustomed to it's happened so many times. Hell, it was one of the reasons I started back at the gym in the first place. Regardless, I skipped the rest of the pulls and one other movement but finished the rest that didn't place a lot of stress on the affected area, came home, showered, and then we were off for the weekend. It was an uncomfortable but manageable ride as where the next couple of days and I figured once we were home I'd be able to rest it and be back on my feet by the end of the week. I was wrong.
The injury occurred two weeks ago tomorrow and in that time I've watched more shitty tv and spent more time on the couch and in bed than I'd care to do again for a long, long time. I've been to the chiropractor 3 times and it appears as though not only did I pull a muscle, I also managed to pinch a nerve. I'm essentially useless for doing anything. Hell, my wife is even having to help me put underwear and pants on because I can't really bend over without pain and weakness threatening to lunge me headfirst into the floor. Because of this, everything around the house is suffering. The laundry is not adding up too quickly thankfully because I'm wearing mostly t-shirts and shorts during the day. I managed to do the bigger dishes that Shawna has trouble managing so that's been ok but cooking has been tough so my diet is taking a hit. Grocery shopping the other day was much more miserable experience than usual. The dog is losing his mind because I can't take him out to play like he needs. The regular cleaning has been non-existent. A couple projects in the garage are on hold as is the work that needs done on my truck and all the outside work and preparation for winter. Sure it'll be waiting for me there when I'm healed but that's not the point. Some things are more times sensitive than others plus who wants to live in a completely unorganized house in need of cleaning? By far my biggest fear about living here has been what would happen if I also got hurt. These past couple of weeks I'm getting the opportunity to find out.
I think this is one of the biggest differences in our life to others. It's not better or worse, just different. Every family deals with something. Some only have a single, working parent to try and manage everything (my hats off to you folks! What you do is absolutely commendable!). Others are like us where one spouse is sick or injured. It definitely changes the dynamic of the household when something happens. On the plus sides I've been able to finish a book and have had to open up to receiving help from my wife. This allows us to work on our communication and teamwork skills which I think are huge in any marriage. There is definitely a silver lining to all this and now that I've learned these lessons...I need to hurry up and heal because I don't have time for this shit.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Father's Day
Before I begin, what I'm about to say is not meant as derogatory or to pass judgement on anyone else. This is simply my view point and my feelings on Fathers Day. I'm not asking anyone to agree or disagree but simply want to explain my thoughts on the subject. Feel free to celebrate, or not celebrate, the day as you feel appropriate.
Prior to Fathers Day 2015 I put on a post that stated, "
At this point you're probably curious as to what the meaning of my post actually was. Again, I want to reiterate that this is simply my personal view and is not meant as a condemnation of anyone else. I actually appreciate very much that the day exists because it allows me to thank a few people myself. However, that doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to be a part of it where being celebrated is concerned As I mentioned in the above, I do not feel like my role is any less because I'm a step-parent as opposed to a biological one. My goals for him are the same and I treat Mr. C like he's my own flesh and blood because that's how I think of him.
In all honestly, I simply do not desire attention for doing things I feel like I'm supposed to do. This is not the first time a topic has arisen where I've addressed this. I posted HERE regarding my feelings on people telling me what a great person I am for sticking by Shawna with all her medical issues. For me, this falls into the same category. As a father figure I'm supposed to try and teach Caden about things in life. I'm supposed to praise him when he does something great and come down on him with he messes up. I'm supposed to teach him right from wrong, morality, ethics, hard work, determination, perseverance, and a whole host of other things. And here's some truth, I'm not always great at it. I fail at this at times just like I fail at other things. Sometimes I make a wrong choice or act incorrectly. I try to be a good example all the time but I'm aware that at times I'm not. I know this comes with child raising. But if I'm not going to fall apart because of my failures why would I want to be propped up when I succeed? Perhaps someday, when he's grown and has a great job and a family of his own I'll feel like I've been apart of a successful process but that day is a long ways off and right now I simply do not desire to be celebrated for an incomplete task.
I don't know if that will make sense to anyone else or not. I suspect there are a few people out there who will understand but I don't know for sure. I guess, simply put, in the end being part of the day simply doesn't fit my personality.
Prior to Fathers Day 2015 I put on a post that stated, "
"I'd like to ask a favor. Tomorrow is Fathers Day and I hope all the dads out there enjoy it. However, I would ask that when you're going your facebook posts about the day, please refrain from including me. I have reasons that are my own and after discussions with Shawna, she understands. Thank you in advance and I hope you all enjoy the day."After a little while and a couple of private messages I got the feeling that my intent was being misunderstood. Rather than begin some long post on my page, I decided to use this median to clear up any confusion. Firstly, the post was not meant to imply that I, in anyway, feel less like a parent because I'm a step parent. Second, it wasn't directed at nor written to imply that I don't believe step-parents, in this case fathers, play a very important role in the life of a child. My father is not my biological father and I also spent a great deal of my childhood with my grandfather. I greatly understand the massive impact that non-biological parents, mentors, and role models can have of the life of children. I would never attempt to disparage that in anyway, shape, or form. Whether you were involved in the physical process of bringing that child into the world or not does not matter once you're involved in their lives. I've seen (personally) biological fathers who don't bother to stick around and I've seen men who step into that role to help raise children to the best of their ability. To detract from that would be silly and pretty God damn dumb honestly. I feel both lucky and privileged after what I've seen in the world that Mr. C's dad and I get along pretty well for the most part and are both working toward the same goal; that is to raise him into a strong, caring, self sufficient man that will one day become a great dad of his own.
At this point you're probably curious as to what the meaning of my post actually was. Again, I want to reiterate that this is simply my personal view and is not meant as a condemnation of anyone else. I actually appreciate very much that the day exists because it allows me to thank a few people myself. However, that doesn't change the fact that I don't wish to be a part of it where being celebrated is concerned As I mentioned in the above, I do not feel like my role is any less because I'm a step-parent as opposed to a biological one. My goals for him are the same and I treat Mr. C like he's my own flesh and blood because that's how I think of him.
In all honestly, I simply do not desire attention for doing things I feel like I'm supposed to do. This is not the first time a topic has arisen where I've addressed this. I posted HERE regarding my feelings on people telling me what a great person I am for sticking by Shawna with all her medical issues. For me, this falls into the same category. As a father figure I'm supposed to try and teach Caden about things in life. I'm supposed to praise him when he does something great and come down on him with he messes up. I'm supposed to teach him right from wrong, morality, ethics, hard work, determination, perseverance, and a whole host of other things. And here's some truth, I'm not always great at it. I fail at this at times just like I fail at other things. Sometimes I make a wrong choice or act incorrectly. I try to be a good example all the time but I'm aware that at times I'm not. I know this comes with child raising. But if I'm not going to fall apart because of my failures why would I want to be propped up when I succeed? Perhaps someday, when he's grown and has a great job and a family of his own I'll feel like I've been apart of a successful process but that day is a long ways off and right now I simply do not desire to be celebrated for an incomplete task.
I don't know if that will make sense to anyone else or not. I suspect there are a few people out there who will understand but I don't know for sure. I guess, simply put, in the end being part of the day simply doesn't fit my personality.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
A New Direction and a House Hunt
I've had a hard time writing on this for awhile and I couldn't quite figure out why. Finally, on a four hour ride home after a couple days spent house hunting (continue reading to get to that part) I was able to put my finger on what the problem was. I need to open up my blog more. I'm not talking about marketing and sharing it, I'm referring to what I discuss. I originally began this project as a way to discuss the life of my family and the ups and downs that come with being the caretaker for a disabled veteran. However, if that was all I talked about it would be damn boring. Hell, if I don't even want to take the time to write about the hum drum of everyday life, then why would anyone want to read it? So, that said, I'm talking this blog in a bit of a new direction. I'm still planning to write about things that go on in our life, issues that come up on my care taking roll, ect but I don't feel as though I want to limit myself to just that anymore. I already have two posts nearly finished that I was holding off on because I was trying to be fairly strict in my discussions. They came from things that happened with us but they're not things that can't or don't happen to other families. So, rather than be strictly about being a VA caretaker and husband of a disabled vet, I'll write about life as a husband, as a man, as a step-parent, as a youth coach, as an American (yes, that's my way of telling you I may get into politics from time to time)..I don't know exactly what I'll discuss but they'll be my thoughts and my views and perhaps from time to time will be a way to open up a discussion. So, with that said, today's post is about us, is about some trials that come with being a VA family, and will hopefully make you laugh a bit from time to time.
We're actively trying to move. Actually, we've been trying to move for a couple years to no avail. And through all this I've learned something: House. Hunting. Sucks! Seriously, what an absolute pain in the ass. A couple years ago I thought planning a wedding was no fun. That was a free craft beer weekend compared to this. A good friend who's bought and sold some houses in the past told me the other day that ours has been the hunt from hell. And he's right. It's been zero fun, a large amount of stress, and we're still no closer to being able to move than when we began this trip into the devil's maze.
This week I went and looked at 13 houses. I think that puts the total number up around 30 thus far. Last summer we found one we loved, starting working on getting the offer together and bam, someone came in behind us with a cash offer and just like that it was gone. It was a good time around here having an upset wife and child. Really, it was.
About a month ago we found one we liked, put in an offer, paid for the inspections, and then found out after we'd paid out over $500 that it was in a flood zone and we'd need flood insurance. The previous owners had paid cash for the house and never considered it. So, Shawna inquired about the extra insurance it made our monthly premium 3 1/2 times higher. Awesome! We ended up getting out of that house because in the end it would have pushed our monthly payment to the very top of our budget. No joke, when I calculated it out, the cost of insurance and taxes was more than the mortgage payment. Not a good deal obviously so we lost that one too. Unfortunately, it also meant that we had to eat the cost of the inspections. That's money we'd saved specifically for getting a house and it was gone in the blink of an eye. One expensive lesson learned.
So now we've had one house we lost because we didn't get the offer in quick enough and one that cost us a few hundred dollars because we put in the offer too soon. Hell.. absolute hell. Anyways, back to this week. I looked at 13 houses. I've lowered my land requirement to 5 acres and up from the 15-20+ I was hoping for. (I grew up on about 80, currently live on about 100, and want to be able to work in for anyone wondering why I'd want/need so much) and agreed to look at modular homes and trailers at this point. I thought that doing these things would open up our options a bit but they really didn't. 13 included just about every house that would fit our wants. Unfortunately none of them fit our needs. One house was decent but would have required some major remodeling to enable Shawna to get around in her wheelchair on bad days. That was a no. Some had no bed rooms or bathrooms on the first floor. Nope. Some where beat to shit and would never get VA approval. Those are out. And then others were ok but in my opinion were over priced, and not by a little. It came to the point where I was just excited to see a decent house even it was something that wouldn't work for us.
And then, before I came home yesterday I went to see a house and I actually really liked it. It was a bit of drive to get to it but nothing unreasonable. It had an open floor plan, an attached garage for Shawna's pottery studio, was off the road so we wouldn't have to worry about the dog, and was in an area that would allow Caden to go to a decent school system. Unfortunately it's priced out of freakin site! Personally, after looking at it and the work I'd need to do (drywalling, painting, ect) to move in, I was even more annoyed. If they weren't asking so much I'd likely tell Shawna we should jump on it. However, as is, there's no way we or I think anyone else, will pay for it.
All this is being done from 200 miles away. So many trips back and forth and believe me I'm sick of it. I just got home yesterday and we're going back next weekend to look at another one that came up right before I left. I'm tired of it, Shawna is tired of it, Caden is tired of it, and I'm pretty sure the Realtors that we're working with are tired of it. It's to the point I actually feel bad for the amount of work they're doing just to try and help us. I can't say enough good things about the people Shawna has found for us to work with that's for sure.
The reality is that we can't just look at a house and say yes or no. We have to take into account what the VA inspector will say. From our own knowledge we know that certain things are necessary to make it livable for Shawna. She needs an area to continue to grow her pottery business. And these all come before we even consider the normal things like location and school system. It's an absolute cluster and overly stressful because not only do we want to move, the reality is that we need too. Shawna needs better medical care and it's simply not available here. Caden wants to be able to see his family on a more regular basis. I want to be close enough to family that I feel comfortable going back to work because I know if I'm away someone will be close by. Moving is a necessity or believe me I'd likely have just said to hell with in we're staying by now.
Someday I'm sure we'll be looking back at all this and laughing. Even now I find some of it comical. It does makes me envious of people who've lived in the same house for 50 years though. While subject to change in the future, as of now, I plan to die in whatever house we find just so I don't have to do this ever again.
We're actively trying to move. Actually, we've been trying to move for a couple years to no avail. And through all this I've learned something: House. Hunting. Sucks! Seriously, what an absolute pain in the ass. A couple years ago I thought planning a wedding was no fun. That was a free craft beer weekend compared to this. A good friend who's bought and sold some houses in the past told me the other day that ours has been the hunt from hell. And he's right. It's been zero fun, a large amount of stress, and we're still no closer to being able to move than when we began this trip into the devil's maze.
This week I went and looked at 13 houses. I think that puts the total number up around 30 thus far. Last summer we found one we loved, starting working on getting the offer together and bam, someone came in behind us with a cash offer and just like that it was gone. It was a good time around here having an upset wife and child. Really, it was.
About a month ago we found one we liked, put in an offer, paid for the inspections, and then found out after we'd paid out over $500 that it was in a flood zone and we'd need flood insurance. The previous owners had paid cash for the house and never considered it. So, Shawna inquired about the extra insurance it made our monthly premium 3 1/2 times higher. Awesome! We ended up getting out of that house because in the end it would have pushed our monthly payment to the very top of our budget. No joke, when I calculated it out, the cost of insurance and taxes was more than the mortgage payment. Not a good deal obviously so we lost that one too. Unfortunately, it also meant that we had to eat the cost of the inspections. That's money we'd saved specifically for getting a house and it was gone in the blink of an eye. One expensive lesson learned.
So now we've had one house we lost because we didn't get the offer in quick enough and one that cost us a few hundred dollars because we put in the offer too soon. Hell.. absolute hell. Anyways, back to this week. I looked at 13 houses. I've lowered my land requirement to 5 acres and up from the 15-20+ I was hoping for. (I grew up on about 80, currently live on about 100, and want to be able to work in for anyone wondering why I'd want/need so much) and agreed to look at modular homes and trailers at this point. I thought that doing these things would open up our options a bit but they really didn't. 13 included just about every house that would fit our wants. Unfortunately none of them fit our needs. One house was decent but would have required some major remodeling to enable Shawna to get around in her wheelchair on bad days. That was a no. Some had no bed rooms or bathrooms on the first floor. Nope. Some where beat to shit and would never get VA approval. Those are out. And then others were ok but in my opinion were over priced, and not by a little. It came to the point where I was just excited to see a decent house even it was something that wouldn't work for us.
And then, before I came home yesterday I went to see a house and I actually really liked it. It was a bit of drive to get to it but nothing unreasonable. It had an open floor plan, an attached garage for Shawna's pottery studio, was off the road so we wouldn't have to worry about the dog, and was in an area that would allow Caden to go to a decent school system. Unfortunately it's priced out of freakin site! Personally, after looking at it and the work I'd need to do (drywalling, painting, ect) to move in, I was even more annoyed. If they weren't asking so much I'd likely tell Shawna we should jump on it. However, as is, there's no way we or I think anyone else, will pay for it.
All this is being done from 200 miles away. So many trips back and forth and believe me I'm sick of it. I just got home yesterday and we're going back next weekend to look at another one that came up right before I left. I'm tired of it, Shawna is tired of it, Caden is tired of it, and I'm pretty sure the Realtors that we're working with are tired of it. It's to the point I actually feel bad for the amount of work they're doing just to try and help us. I can't say enough good things about the people Shawna has found for us to work with that's for sure.
The reality is that we can't just look at a house and say yes or no. We have to take into account what the VA inspector will say. From our own knowledge we know that certain things are necessary to make it livable for Shawna. She needs an area to continue to grow her pottery business. And these all come before we even consider the normal things like location and school system. It's an absolute cluster and overly stressful because not only do we want to move, the reality is that we need too. Shawna needs better medical care and it's simply not available here. Caden wants to be able to see his family on a more regular basis. I want to be close enough to family that I feel comfortable going back to work because I know if I'm away someone will be close by. Moving is a necessity or believe me I'd likely have just said to hell with in we're staying by now.
Someday I'm sure we'll be looking back at all this and laughing. Even now I find some of it comical. It does makes me envious of people who've lived in the same house for 50 years though. While subject to change in the future, as of now, I plan to die in whatever house we find just so I don't have to do this ever again.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Entering a New Year
It's the end of January 2015 and I've had a month to begin working on achieving my goals for the year. The reality is that January 1 is just another day but for many if not most people the changing of the calendar holds the potential for new beginnings. Though we're entering the meat of our third winter here, it wasn't until recently that I had an epiphany. It wasn't something that is going to change the world but it could perhaps change the lives of myself and that of my family. Seeing as how that is my world, it's indeed important to me. What was this epiphany you ask? That a resolution/goal without a plan isn't worth a damn. I can make all the goals I want but if I have not planned out how to achieve them, they're going to go down in flames just like many of last years did.
I did not quit chewing, we were not able to move (though there were some interesting circumstances as to why we didn't that may have been out of our control). I'm not healthier and though I feel much better I could argue that I'm actually worse off than I was a year ago at this time. I didn't finish my book though I did make pretty good progress and am on the cusp. I could chalk up all these as failures and I guess I do to a point. However, I learned a lot and I can see why I failed at the majority of my goals from the previous year so for me I'm considering the year a push at worst. Now, before you get to thinking that I'm just making excuses for why I didn't meet my goals, please hear me out as I explain my reasons for such thinking.
To me, one of the greatest failures a person can achieve in life is to not learn from their mistakes and experiences. This past year has taught me a great deal and this is why I cannot view 2014 as a complete failure. My goals for this year have plans, basic as they are. The plans are not perfect but they're certainly better than shooting from the hip like I attempted to do last year. Last year I had nothing, not even a semblance of a plan. I simply wrote my goals and assumed that I'd figure out how to meet them. I'm hear to tell you a secret; if you don't know already, that shit doesn't work. A goal without a plan is like a car with wheels and no tires. You may reach your destination but you're stacking the odds against's yourself from the outset.
Planning helps to reduce excuses for why we can't do things. Sure there are times when things come up and excuses are actually reasons but I don't believe that's the case the majority of the time. As an example: Shawna had what we thought was an appendix issue a couple weeks ago. While it's not solved yet, it wasn't an appendix and may be a gall bladder problem but the point is it threw my gym schedule completely out of whack. However, because I'm planning it now, I was able to adjust rather than just drop my gym days that week. It was a pain in the ass to fit the days in but because I had a plan I was able to accomplish my weekly goal. And that's why plans are so important. They allow us more flexibility.
This post isn't to pass judgement on whether or not someone meets their goals or "resolutions." Instead, I felt compelled to write this because I think it could be a game changer for myself, family, and perhaps even you if you're looking for an answer as to why you're having trouble moving past the initial stage. I could quote a whole bunch of people much smarter than I as to what you should be doing and go into a whole host of other reasons, however, I think planning or lack thereof as it may be, is one of the biggest impediments to progress and one of the easiest to correct. If you're unsure of how to do it, contact someone who does. I now have a trainer who writes my workout plans for me because he's a professional at what he does and I'm not. It costs more obviously but we're building it into our financial plan. (There's that 'P' word again). Plan, plan, plan to reach your goals.
I did not quit chewing, we were not able to move (though there were some interesting circumstances as to why we didn't that may have been out of our control). I'm not healthier and though I feel much better I could argue that I'm actually worse off than I was a year ago at this time. I didn't finish my book though I did make pretty good progress and am on the cusp. I could chalk up all these as failures and I guess I do to a point. However, I learned a lot and I can see why I failed at the majority of my goals from the previous year so for me I'm considering the year a push at worst. Now, before you get to thinking that I'm just making excuses for why I didn't meet my goals, please hear me out as I explain my reasons for such thinking.
To me, one of the greatest failures a person can achieve in life is to not learn from their mistakes and experiences. This past year has taught me a great deal and this is why I cannot view 2014 as a complete failure. My goals for this year have plans, basic as they are. The plans are not perfect but they're certainly better than shooting from the hip like I attempted to do last year. Last year I had nothing, not even a semblance of a plan. I simply wrote my goals and assumed that I'd figure out how to meet them. I'm hear to tell you a secret; if you don't know already, that shit doesn't work. A goal without a plan is like a car with wheels and no tires. You may reach your destination but you're stacking the odds against's yourself from the outset.
Planning helps to reduce excuses for why we can't do things. Sure there are times when things come up and excuses are actually reasons but I don't believe that's the case the majority of the time. As an example: Shawna had what we thought was an appendix issue a couple weeks ago. While it's not solved yet, it wasn't an appendix and may be a gall bladder problem but the point is it threw my gym schedule completely out of whack. However, because I'm planning it now, I was able to adjust rather than just drop my gym days that week. It was a pain in the ass to fit the days in but because I had a plan I was able to accomplish my weekly goal. And that's why plans are so important. They allow us more flexibility.
This post isn't to pass judgement on whether or not someone meets their goals or "resolutions." Instead, I felt compelled to write this because I think it could be a game changer for myself, family, and perhaps even you if you're looking for an answer as to why you're having trouble moving past the initial stage. I could quote a whole bunch of people much smarter than I as to what you should be doing and go into a whole host of other reasons, however, I think planning or lack thereof as it may be, is one of the biggest impediments to progress and one of the easiest to correct. If you're unsure of how to do it, contact someone who does. I now have a trainer who writes my workout plans for me because he's a professional at what he does and I'm not. It costs more obviously but we're building it into our financial plan. (There's that 'P' word again). Plan, plan, plan to reach your goals.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Apprehension
I can't lie, when the idea was presented for Caden to come live with I was apprehensive. Probably even more than that though I was scared as hell. So many thoughts went through my mind. How was I going to take care of him AND Shawna? How do I keep my bearings? What am I going to do if I need help and the nearest available is 4 hours away? What if this and that? Up until that time we'd had Caden with us for 1 summer break and some vacations. I had been Shawna's caretaker for a year but was still learning the ropes for handling that and the idea of having the 24 hour, 7 day a week responsibility for Caden frightened the hell out of me to be honest. It had only been a little over a year prior since I'd been a single man with virtually no responsibility for anyone but myself and now I was a caretaker, husband, and step father. There's no doubt, I was reeling.
I can't say everything was smooth in the beginning. I was frustrated, warn out, stressed out, and unsure of myself the majority of the time. I felt completely overwhelmed. We had a few months before winter hit and in that time we worked to try and come up with a game plan for living life. Caden was still scared of Shawna's seizures at the time so when she had them I had to take care of her and try to comfort him at the same time. After a little over a year here much of that has settled and I'm extremely thankful.
Caden began a new school and the accompanying problems of being a new kid quickly surfaced. I don't know if it was fortunate or unfortunate for him but our response to the bullying bullshit all around us is that it's been overblown so when he came home to us about it our response was not the typical. We had discussions about being confident, standing up for yourself, and we even showed him a few self defense moves in-case any of the kids stepped over the line from verbal to physical attacks. We also let him know that if he was in the right we'd defend him no matter what the school said but if he was in the wrong he'd suffer the consequences. He began to handle the issues himself and by the end of the year the talk of bullying had slowed considerably.
He played hockey last winter for a Canadian team and if people don't know what hockey is like in Canada let me just tell you, it's huge. Think football in the southern part of the US and you'll get a rough idea. Many of the kids play year round as many of the rinks are left open even through the summer and teams play continually. For Caden's team the season went from October until April. Practice two evenings per week and games every weekend. Tournaments on some of them. Most of the games were a minimum of an hour away and some up to 3. This is made the season feel incredibly long. In combination with that, Shawna's health last winter was awful. She could barely get out of bed for the whole month on February, which also happens to be the coldest month we have here. To top it off last winter was one of the worst in years between snow and cold (temps were below 0 for days at a time) in awhile. By the time we hit March I was burnt out. I was exhausted and the end of hockey season and beginning of spring couldn't come quickly enough. It had been a long hard winter and not one I was wishing to repeat.
Reflecting back a few months post, I see now how worn I really was. I would get frustrated pretty quickly, would tune people out, and had trouble sleeping and shutting my mind off. This was until Caden was released from school for the summer. At that point Caden went to his dads for the summer and it felt like I could get a deep breath. Hell, for the first few days after making the exchange I did nothing but sit in front of the TV playing Fallout: New Vegas and drinking Coors. I put something like 48 hours on it in 3 days! Shawna was feeling decent so I just sat and completely zoned out on it and I felt great! There was really nothing to worry about, to think about. My responsibilities were limited and the tension of the past year dissipated into thin air. That lasted for a few days until Shawna had an appointment we had to attend in Boston (a complete waste of fucking time, thanks Army for that one.) and then we found out that football up here essentially starts when school gets out. So, only two or three weeks into Caden's summer vacation with his dad, I had to run back down and get him as he had been talking about playing football for months.
While I was annoyed that Caden's vacation was cut short, both because I was enjoying the break and because it cut into him and his other families time together, football has been a great thing for both of us. I was able to become an assistant coach and Caden has found a sport he really seems to love playing with kids that he's very happy to call teammates. Our season went very well (from no wins the previous 3 years to 4-2 this season!) and I found out how much I enjoy teaching and coaching football. While I'm not sure I'd enjoy other sports as much it certainly opens the door to the possibility of getting involved in others for I found something in coaching that I believe I needed. It was a release. A chance to focus and concentrate my attentions to something that mattered but wasn't directly related to my family life. It turned into an outlet for aggression and an opportunity to push issues aside for a few hours a week and in the end I'm thankful for it. I had the opportunity to meet some truly wonderful people and hopefully make an impact on some fabulous young men.
While Caden's coming to live with us certainly created some apprehension on my part in the beginning, I have to believe it was a natural reaction. New fathers and mothers bringing their child home for the first time must feel something similar as do new step-parents. I want so badly to do what's right by him; to teach him new things and to insure that I do my small part in insuring that he not only grows up to be a good man, but a better man than I am. The truth of it is it's a wonderful opportunity that I've been given and while my being scared of certain aspects are likely natural, they're also not a bad thing. Nervousness and apprehension can serve us well if harnessed appropriately. They make us slow down, they make us think, they make us consider multiple solutions to problems. They also make us very thankful for the simple things.
I can't say everything was smooth in the beginning. I was frustrated, warn out, stressed out, and unsure of myself the majority of the time. I felt completely overwhelmed. We had a few months before winter hit and in that time we worked to try and come up with a game plan for living life. Caden was still scared of Shawna's seizures at the time so when she had them I had to take care of her and try to comfort him at the same time. After a little over a year here much of that has settled and I'm extremely thankful.
Caden began a new school and the accompanying problems of being a new kid quickly surfaced. I don't know if it was fortunate or unfortunate for him but our response to the bullying bullshit all around us is that it's been overblown so when he came home to us about it our response was not the typical. We had discussions about being confident, standing up for yourself, and we even showed him a few self defense moves in-case any of the kids stepped over the line from verbal to physical attacks. We also let him know that if he was in the right we'd defend him no matter what the school said but if he was in the wrong he'd suffer the consequences. He began to handle the issues himself and by the end of the year the talk of bullying had slowed considerably.
He played hockey last winter for a Canadian team and if people don't know what hockey is like in Canada let me just tell you, it's huge. Think football in the southern part of the US and you'll get a rough idea. Many of the kids play year round as many of the rinks are left open even through the summer and teams play continually. For Caden's team the season went from October until April. Practice two evenings per week and games every weekend. Tournaments on some of them. Most of the games were a minimum of an hour away and some up to 3. This is made the season feel incredibly long. In combination with that, Shawna's health last winter was awful. She could barely get out of bed for the whole month on February, which also happens to be the coldest month we have here. To top it off last winter was one of the worst in years between snow and cold (temps were below 0 for days at a time) in awhile. By the time we hit March I was burnt out. I was exhausted and the end of hockey season and beginning of spring couldn't come quickly enough. It had been a long hard winter and not one I was wishing to repeat.
Reflecting back a few months post, I see now how worn I really was. I would get frustrated pretty quickly, would tune people out, and had trouble sleeping and shutting my mind off. This was until Caden was released from school for the summer. At that point Caden went to his dads for the summer and it felt like I could get a deep breath. Hell, for the first few days after making the exchange I did nothing but sit in front of the TV playing Fallout: New Vegas and drinking Coors. I put something like 48 hours on it in 3 days! Shawna was feeling decent so I just sat and completely zoned out on it and I felt great! There was really nothing to worry about, to think about. My responsibilities were limited and the tension of the past year dissipated into thin air. That lasted for a few days until Shawna had an appointment we had to attend in Boston (a complete waste of fucking time, thanks Army for that one.) and then we found out that football up here essentially starts when school gets out. So, only two or three weeks into Caden's summer vacation with his dad, I had to run back down and get him as he had been talking about playing football for months.
While I was annoyed that Caden's vacation was cut short, both because I was enjoying the break and because it cut into him and his other families time together, football has been a great thing for both of us. I was able to become an assistant coach and Caden has found a sport he really seems to love playing with kids that he's very happy to call teammates. Our season went very well (from no wins the previous 3 years to 4-2 this season!) and I found out how much I enjoy teaching and coaching football. While I'm not sure I'd enjoy other sports as much it certainly opens the door to the possibility of getting involved in others for I found something in coaching that I believe I needed. It was a release. A chance to focus and concentrate my attentions to something that mattered but wasn't directly related to my family life. It turned into an outlet for aggression and an opportunity to push issues aside for a few hours a week and in the end I'm thankful for it. I had the opportunity to meet some truly wonderful people and hopefully make an impact on some fabulous young men.
While Caden's coming to live with us certainly created some apprehension on my part in the beginning, I have to believe it was a natural reaction. New fathers and mothers bringing their child home for the first time must feel something similar as do new step-parents. I want so badly to do what's right by him; to teach him new things and to insure that I do my small part in insuring that he not only grows up to be a good man, but a better man than I am. The truth of it is it's a wonderful opportunity that I've been given and while my being scared of certain aspects are likely natural, they're also not a bad thing. Nervousness and apprehension can serve us well if harnessed appropriately. They make us slow down, they make us think, they make us consider multiple solutions to problems. They also make us very thankful for the simple things.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Winter Preperation
It's been a crazy few months in the our household. While Shawna's health has been basically steady; that is, up and down but not seemingly in decline, we've all been pretty busy. She's been at work as much as possible with her ceramics getting ready for a large craft fair she has coming up later in November, trying to complete an order for a brewery in central Maine, as well as create sculpture pieces. On top of all this, she's trying to get a non-profit off the ground called Healing Arts of Maine which is aimed at using art to help those who've suffered and/or suffering from the things no one likes to talk about; abuse at the hands of a love one, PTSD related to a variety of situations including those received in battle, as a first responder, and as an abuse victim, and those with various mental disorders. On top of everything else she has going on it's quite an endeavor.
Caden just finished football season a few weeks ago and did a great job as the team quarterback. The whole team was wonderful and the amount of improvement they showed from the beginning of the season to the end left me feeling proud to be one of their coaches. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I spent my first season ever as a coach (assistant) this past fall. It was a pretty incredible experience to be part of such an amazing turn around for our JR program. From no wins the past 3 years to a 4-2 record this year! While we as coaches are often given much of the credit for the turnaround, for me the credit goes to the incredible young men who spent countless hours, sweat, and tears learning and applying what we were attempting to teach them.
On top of football, Caden has been doing a much better job applying himself as a student than he did when he originally came to live with us last year. He's settled in wonderfully after a bit of a rough start and his attitude and grades reflect that. While he still has some issues on days when Shawna is not in the best of health, that's certainly understandable for a 12 year old. He's been handed one hell of a hand at various times in his life and he amazes me with his ability to adapt to the situations presented to him. I have to give kudos to his mom and dad for helping him develop a mental fortitude that is well beyond his years. Unfortunate as it is that so much is required of him at times, there is a part of me that believes it will be for his betterment as he moves from his teen years onto his adult life.
As to what I've been up to the past couple of months, other than football it's seemingly been all winter preparation all the time. Firewood was a major concern for us as I made the mistake of not planning to be here this winter. It's all cut and stack in the shed, much of it without the use of a tractor or other implement to get it out of the woods. I am, however, thankful for some good people in the community who helped us both get some of the wood I was cutting out and for our neighbors who allowed me to borrow their wood splitter for the day. While much of the wood we have is still green (not dry for you non wood burners), we at least have a enough stacked and drying in our shed to get us through the winter months.
On top of this, I've been attempting to better insulate and prepare the house for the cold months ahead. What many may or may not realize is exactly how bad our weather can get during the winter months. I'm talking nights that are -30 and day's that don't break zero with well over a 100 inches of snow thrown in. Some years are milder and easier to manage while others are like last year and never seem to end. The one big difference we''ll have this year is that Caden has made the decision not to play hockey. Financially this will greatly benefit us while looking for a new home further south and mentally I think he needed the break from the rigors and demand the sport requires.
So that's a brief summary of what's been going on. I have some other posts already in the wings that I'm hoping to finally finish now that winter is bringing about a much slower period of my year. I have some other things planned for this winter to get accomplished that I'll get into the the coming weeks but needless to say I don't intend to just sit around with my finger up my ass like I have seemed to do the past couple of winters. Now that we're going into our third winter in this location I have a much better understanding of what it is that we're facing this coming season and I'm hoping this knowledge will help me get more accomplished. This of course in reliant upon Shawna's health holding but even if there are hiccups this winter, and I expect there will be, if Caden and I work together, and with the knowledge that our family has local help from some great people if needed, I fully expect this winter will not be like the past two and be a hell of a lot easier on all of us.
Caden just finished football season a few weeks ago and did a great job as the team quarterback. The whole team was wonderful and the amount of improvement they showed from the beginning of the season to the end left me feeling proud to be one of their coaches. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I spent my first season ever as a coach (assistant) this past fall. It was a pretty incredible experience to be part of such an amazing turn around for our JR program. From no wins the past 3 years to a 4-2 record this year! While we as coaches are often given much of the credit for the turnaround, for me the credit goes to the incredible young men who spent countless hours, sweat, and tears learning and applying what we were attempting to teach them.
On top of football, Caden has been doing a much better job applying himself as a student than he did when he originally came to live with us last year. He's settled in wonderfully after a bit of a rough start and his attitude and grades reflect that. While he still has some issues on days when Shawna is not in the best of health, that's certainly understandable for a 12 year old. He's been handed one hell of a hand at various times in his life and he amazes me with his ability to adapt to the situations presented to him. I have to give kudos to his mom and dad for helping him develop a mental fortitude that is well beyond his years. Unfortunate as it is that so much is required of him at times, there is a part of me that believes it will be for his betterment as he moves from his teen years onto his adult life.
As to what I've been up to the past couple of months, other than football it's seemingly been all winter preparation all the time. Firewood was a major concern for us as I made the mistake of not planning to be here this winter. It's all cut and stack in the shed, much of it without the use of a tractor or other implement to get it out of the woods. I am, however, thankful for some good people in the community who helped us both get some of the wood I was cutting out and for our neighbors who allowed me to borrow their wood splitter for the day. While much of the wood we have is still green (not dry for you non wood burners), we at least have a enough stacked and drying in our shed to get us through the winter months.
On top of this, I've been attempting to better insulate and prepare the house for the cold months ahead. What many may or may not realize is exactly how bad our weather can get during the winter months. I'm talking nights that are -30 and day's that don't break zero with well over a 100 inches of snow thrown in. Some years are milder and easier to manage while others are like last year and never seem to end. The one big difference we''ll have this year is that Caden has made the decision not to play hockey. Financially this will greatly benefit us while looking for a new home further south and mentally I think he needed the break from the rigors and demand the sport requires.
So that's a brief summary of what's been going on. I have some other posts already in the wings that I'm hoping to finally finish now that winter is bringing about a much slower period of my year. I have some other things planned for this winter to get accomplished that I'll get into the the coming weeks but needless to say I don't intend to just sit around with my finger up my ass like I have seemed to do the past couple of winters. Now that we're going into our third winter in this location I have a much better understanding of what it is that we're facing this coming season and I'm hoping this knowledge will help me get more accomplished. This of course in reliant upon Shawna's health holding but even if there are hiccups this winter, and I expect there will be, if Caden and I work together, and with the knowledge that our family has local help from some great people if needed, I fully expect this winter will not be like the past two and be a hell of a lot easier on all of us.
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