Goal Setting

While driving home from the gym the other day, I was basking in the after workout high that comes from pushing hard and my mind began to wander to the idea of goals.  Most of us have them.  Most of us will reach some of them but in general we fail more than we succeed.  There are numerous articles dedicated to accomplishing them so I won't regurgitate them here (though they certainly hold value and I recommend checking various ones out on a regular basis).  Instead, I want to discuss the idea of goals that are fluid and others that may change entirely.  You see, a goal you have today may not be a goal you have tomorrow and sometimes I think we put that in the failure pile when in reality life changes and as such so do the things we hold to be important.  Now, I'm not talking about giving up on a goal simply because it's hard or seems impossible because I certainly wouldn't recommend that.  I'm talking about how in life, what's important (or possible in some cases as you'll read) sometimes changes and with that so will your goals and aspirations. This can and should be embraced.

A little over a year ago when I returned to the gym, I had discussion's with Shawna about possibly entering a power lifting meet in the future.  It was exciting to think about competing in something I enjoyed and it was developing into a goal up to and even following my injury.  Following my surgery and during the subsequent rehab, however, things have changed.  I still have goals but they now pertain to my all-around health and fitness as opposed to competing.  Don't get my wrong, every time I enter the gym I do so with the plan to compete against my previous visit but I currently have no plans to participate in a competitive setting against other people. That of course could change again in the future and I certainly won't close the door on the idea, but for now, it's out of the picture. So what are my goals now?  Get my weight to 225, run a sub 7 minute mile, hit a 4 mile ruck march with at least a 35 lb pack in under an hour, and hit 400, 500, 600, on what many consider the three main lifts; bench, squat, and dead lift.  I have no idea the possibility of achieving all these, the dead lift in particular given the back issues I'm rehabilitating from, but as of now they seem obtainable if I put the work in.  To me, hitting all these numbers will indicate that my strength as well as my cardiovascular health are in a pretty decent place for someone in their mid 30's, especially in contrast with the general health of American's.  The point here is that my goals have shifted.  No longer am I'm concerned simply with my max strength (Not that there's anything wrong with that. I enjoy the hell out of watching and reading about the men and women setting PR's and records) but I'm looking for all around health because I don't believe I've ever achieved that.  If I end up feeling stronger than I ever have, that'll be a bonus (not to mention a valid possibility given how unbalanced I've always been) and I certainly won't complain.  But on my list of goals it's now taken a back seat to something I believe to be more important.

For anyone that doesn't know Shawna, shifting goals has become a major part of her life in the past few years. When she was in the military she had the goal of becoming a doctor and someday owning a Maserati. Once her health issues began and in the time following, those goal's were taken from her.  However, rather than giving in she stepped back, reevaluated, and she now has designs on becoming a renown ceramic artist.

Shawna working on her craft.

Her past goals are not her current goals but that's OK because she didn't simply give up, but rather she adjusted. The passion and time she once put into her past goal is now focused upon current one.  And that's what's truly important here.  Though her original goal has changed, the idea of continuing to pursue a passion has not. This is important because it feels as though all to often we as humans (myself included) have a propensity to become so frustrated with not completing a specific goal, we give up on trying to achieve others because we fail to realize there are other opportunities that we now have the time and energy to invest in.

For Shawna and I goal setting is a regular thing.  Sure we fail in some endeavors but we're both improving in using our failures as opportunities to learn and further our goals, even if the road gets a little bumpier than we anticipated at the outset.  Some goals we've achieved (buying a house), others are in the process (getting her a studio built so she can work toward becoming the artist she envisions), and some have outright failed (me trying to quit tobacco...multiple times) but during and following each success and failure, we use the knowledge and information gained to adjust, create, and dispose of various goals.  Some goals are set as stepping stones to bigger ones (lose the first 20 lbs toward my weight loss goal), and even to achieve that there will be other, even smaller goals (record my diet everyday for a week, month, six months, on the MyFitnessPal app).  Along the way some goals may be scrapped for various reasons ( example: my initial running goal may be set aside if it impacts my health negatively in the beginning) but that does not mean I will discard the idea of running all together.  It simply means that I'll need to adjust that specific goal and once I meet it, I can either reclaim my previous goal or set another.  The point being, my goal will be adjusted as needed and not simply abandoned.  This is one of the great things about goals, they can be flexible even though we seem to have a habit of believing they are required to be fixed.  Do some fall into that category? Absolutely!  We had a goal to own a home.  This was a fixed goal for us as a family because nothing other than signing away a large portion of our future income to the bank in exchange for our name on the title was acceptable.  However, the goals that helped us arrive to this point, in many cases, were flexible. What we wanted at the beginning of our search was not same towards the end and had to be adjusted accordingly. Again, the flexible goals are what allowed us in the end, to achieve our main, or fixed, goal.

I'm a firm believer in setting goals.  I do so at the beginning of the year in lieu of making resolutions and by simply changing the terms I've noticed a marked difference in how many of them I tend to accomplish. Sometimes I'll make daily goals and as I'm willing to best most people experience, very rarely do I actually create a list that I can accomplish during my waking hours.  What happens to me seems to fit the, "people overestimate what we can do in a single day and underestimate what they can do in their whole lives" - (anonymous) quote and it's something I'm working on.  Accordingly I've created an actual goal to add and follow weekly and monthly goals to assist myself in reaching those on my long term list.

Goals, goals, goals.  Set them. Even if you don't reach them all you've given yourself a path because every failure will lead to other paths, one of which may be where your success lies.

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I've lost almost 300 games.  26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed.

-Michael Jordan         

Bad with the Good

I wrote a couple weeks ago about our move and how exciting this time had been for us.  However, we've also had an unforeseen issue arise that I'm hoping we've nearly completed.  Being busy.  Now, in an of itself being busy is not a bad thing.  It's certainly preferable to having nothing to do.  But when you get so busy that it starts to have side effects, that can become a problem.  We're certainly not unique to this in the go, go, go world that is 2016.  The one difference we do have, however, is the drastic effect it can have on Shawna's health.  In the past couple of week this has begun to rear its head.

One of the big reasons we moved to our new location is so Shawna would have better access to health care and would be able to make use of all the programs and care available though the VA.  What I'm not sure we were expecting was that we'd be trying to establish everything all it at once.  As of now she's had two appointments at the Togus facility plus one with an outside provider.  Between the two she also has 6 more scheduled already, we've had my quarterly home care visit, and four home appointments regarding getting a ramp and/or lift chair installed to get her in and out of the house. Honestly, I can't complain about the access to care she's receiving because it's certainly much better than many others have experienced.  What's unfortunate are the effect's all the running has on her health.  She's not sleeping well which is turn impacts the following day, the trips to get things done wear her out and she went down a little over a week ago with the most sever seizure she's had in awhile (It was till much less sever than the ones she was having a couple years ago ).  Because we currently don't have a good place to set up a studio to get her pottery up and running again to the degree it was at our previous location, she also hasn't had her hand in clay very much and the impact that's had has been tremendous.

But while there have been some negative side effects to the last couple of months, there have also been many positives to moving to our new location.  She had a new lift chair installed a week ago that allows her to get into the basement and outside with less risk of injury (we've still dealing with the VA on that), we signed up for a membership to the local YMCA so she's been able to get into the pool (she was a competitive swimmer in high school), the new house isn't as long from one end to the other so she doesn't get warn out and doesn't seem to have as much pain as she did in the previous location, and though all the appointments can be tiring for her, the fact of the matter is is that she's receiving much more medical care than she had been.  Whether is leads to any answers in the immediate is up in the air, but we no longer feel like answers to her health are stalled.  Even if the current doctors don't end up moving in the right direction immediately, eliminating causes can be incredibly important to finding the final diagnosis.

The truth of the matter is that on most levels our life isn't really different from anyone else's.  With every positive generally comes some negatives and with every negative there are some positives.  It can be difficult to separate the two at times but if you look hard enough they're there.  What can differentiate people is how they handle those situations and I've found that looking for the positives is key to continuing to push forward and improving one's situation.  Shawna's health is something within our life that is in constant flux and while we could get down about it, we've both found that it generally doesn't aid us to do so.  This week there will be more appointments, more errands to run.  Sure they're time consuming and sometimes lead to issues for her when we get home and in the following, but it certainly beats the of alternative not gaining ground of the questions surrounding her health.              

Stress

I've touched on this before, but one of the key points made, both when going through the training requirements to join the VA caregiver program and by the nurses who do our home visits, is managing stress.  I mentioned it a previous post but it's worth repeating that I honestly didn't believe it would be a big deal and I was very wrong.  As a caregiver, it's vital that you take care of yourself and don't fall into the trap of giving all your attention, all of the time, to the person you're caring for.  You must find time for yourself to decompress and relieve your own stress.  What you do and how you choose to do it will be unique to everyone.  For me personally, I've found my return to the gym last year is a vital part of my life that I need to insure I include regularly.  Doing this particular activity I get not only the emotional and mental benefits that lifting weights provides, but it also helps me physically.  Being down for the past 3 months following surgery has only reaffirmed how important it is for me to make time for this at least two or three times per week.

Another activity that provides me a great deal of satisfaction and stress relief is spending time outside working, especially running a chainsaw.  The house we bought is very enclosed by trees with almost no yard or even area for the dog to get out and run without risk of injury.  We also have a wood stove to help offset the heating costs during the winter that will require feeding.  In this case, I have a double whammy of good fortune because we have work that requires accomplishing that doubles as a chance to ignore the outside world and relieve stress and decompress.  As with the gym, this is something that's not only mentally refreshing but physically as well. To me my physical and mental well-being go hand in hand.

Of course my two examples of relieving stress are not going to work for everyone.  You have to find not just what's right for you but what's right for you in your situation.  While some people think that my caretaking responsibilities seem difficult, I feel compared to what others are faced with and going through, we're relatively well off.  Sure Shawna has her bad days, and even really bad days but she doesn't require the constant care that others do.  When I think of someone who's providing care to those with serious brain or spinal injuries, illness, cognitive disorders, ect my heart goes out to them.  For those who do not have the benefit of the VA caregiver program, who are doing it while holding down employment and others while trying to raise their own families and with zero of the other benefits the caregiver program provides such as training and outreach, I can't express my appreciation for what you do enough.  I feel as though I only get a taste of the stress those folks are under and my hat's off to them for the herculean task they undertake when they agree to accept that responsibility. For those folks, finding activities that help them to decompress and relieve stress is especially vital.

For the most part I really have no idea who reads this blog.  Going off the assumption that you're not a caretaker, stress is an important thing to manage in your life too.  Find something you enjoy, that makes you feel good, and leaves you feeling energized.  It certainly doesn't have to be lifting weights or cutting wood. Perhaps yoga is your thing.  Maybe bird watching. Reading, writing, playing pool, going for a walk with the dog, hitting the spa for a tan and a massage.  The point is to get your focus off the stressor and onto something that stimulates you positively.  That makes your brain fill with something you enjoy or shuts it off entirely.  To get the weight of life off yourself for a short amount of time so that when you get back to it, you're starting fresh.  This not only benefits you but the people around you.  In the case of a caretaker the importance of this can't be understated.  If you've taken on this roll you've likely done it out of love.  They deserve to have you at your best to whatever extent possible and you, yes you, deserve to be at your best as well.

A trap I fell into and many other's do as well, is the willingness to care for others without taking the time to make sure you're taking care of yourself.  You get amazingly wrapped up in their needs and neglect yourself. This works for awhile but eventually you'll fail.  There is a story I've seen many times that helped me understand this concept more thoroughly: You're on a plane with your kids and for some reason the cabin loses pressure and the oxygen masks fall.  Your instinct tells you to get their mask on first. However, your instinct in this case is wrong.  You'd be better off putting your mask on first, thus insuring that you're not overcome by the situation before you can help them.  Caretaking is the same way. If you break down you'll be unable to do your duties properly and proficiently the same way that if your oxygen is cut off in a plane you'll be unable to aid your children.  While as caretakers we've made the choice to make someone else's needs a high priority in our life, we must make sure that we're meeting our own needs at an equal too, if not greater than, rate required.

If you're a caretaker and reading this and haven't yet figured out how to take time for yourself (especially without feeling guilty), I hope the words in this post are the release you need to know that it's ok, you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to feel guilty about, and that it's actually a beneficial use of your time. I know you have appointments to handle, dishes in the sink, laundry waiting to be completed, and perhaps some more in-depth tasks that are in-need of accomplishing.  Sit down and figure out what can wait while you refresh.  Are there some tasks that can't wait (handing out meds, helping them to the bathroom, ect)?  Of course.  But I'm willing to bet if those tasks are not on an absolute regular schedule, they're pretty close and you know that waking up in the morning.  Where you have some time during the day is when you're loved one may be sleeping.  Or, the dishes and laundry wait a little longer before getting done.  Perhaps you sit down and schedule your days more thoroughly so you have time to relax built in, if not everyday, a few days per week.  Take advantage of other human resources that are willing to help.  It's OK to accept an offer to step in and give you a break, even if it's only for an hour here and there.

Dealing with stress is something everyone from all walks of life has to contend with.  Most of us are not all that good at it and often times we tend to stress about things that in the long run aren't really that important. However, finding ways to manage that stress is vital to our mental, physical, and emotional health.  Sure regurgitating saying's like, "don't sweat the small stuff", can make one feel better and more in control but those are just words and while words no doubt can have an amazing impact on people, telling yourself something is true does not make it so.  The best way to handle stress is from a position of strength and to be strong, you need to take the time to relieve that stress.  So get out there and find something you enjoy, something your passionate about, something that allows you to forget the world around you and focus on the task at hand. You're loved one will be thankful and just as important, you'll be thankful too.                                  

Big Changes

It's been awhile since I've been on here.  Hell, it's been awhile since I've spent any time on my computer for anything other than paying the monthly bills.  In that time, our household has seen some major changes.  It all started in December when we made the trip to Portland so I could go under the knife, or laser as it was, to have a microdisectomy with the hope that removing the large piece of disc that was protruding into my nerves would finally bring some relief to the back and leg pain that had been impacting the life of myself and my family.  It's been nearly three months and rehab is progressing but it's impossible to say this early how successful the procedure will be in the end.  As of right now though, I'm pretty happy and excited about how much better I feel.  The impact on my ability to fulfill my duties as a caretaker was pretty minimal given the seriousness of surgery, the pain was more than tolerable ( I went med free following), and the biggest issue I faced quite honestly was taking it easy and not doing too much, something I'm still struggling with.  For anyone reading this, if your doctor is recommending the procedure I underwent, thus far I'd have to give a big, "Go for it!".

Though that was pretty big within our household, it wasn't the biggest thing that happened in the past couple of months.  What was it then you ask?  If you've been following this blog since the beginning than you know that we've been looking for a new home for a couple years.  Something much further south than where we had been residing with more access to healthcare, help if we needed it, closer access to my family and Caden's, and somewhere that would allow Shawna to become more involved in the art community.  Two days before I had my surgery, in an absolute Hail Mary home viewing, we found that home.  Now, I will say, that I do not, in any way, shape, or form, recommend moving posting back surgery but this was a house that we simply could not pass up.  It was one of those places where you walk into and say to yourself, "yes, this is the one".  All things considered, the whole process went pretty smoothly with only a few hurdles to jump and we moved in on January 29th.

While we're certainly excited to have found a house that we love for a lot of reasons, there's a lot of work to be done to make it more user friendly for Shawna.  Both areas of entry have stairs and no good way to put a ramp on.  We did get measured for one but it would have to be exceedingly long and would go directly over our leech field; not to mention to get on it we'd still have to get her up a hill.  The other door is simply too high off the ground to put an ADA approved ramp on.  So, we've been working with both the VA and a local company in an attempt to have a lift chair installed to make use of the daylight basement entry.  It's the safest, easiest alternative to solve our problem and will allow me to build a ramp on another area of the house that likely won't conform to ADA standards but will allow her to evacuate in-case of an emergency. Together with this is the fact that there was no ready made studio space for her to resume her pottery.  I'm currently working to throw something together in the basement but even that won't be sufficient so we're also in the process of gathering the tools and equipment needed to build one just off breast of the house where she'll be able to access it safely no matter what the weather or time of year.  Just working to set this place up properly has kept me busy busy.

Together with working to make the house a home, we've also been getting set up and attending a variety of appointments.  I had to get into physical therapy, we've had visits from people within the home care program, as well as those outside concerning the ramp and lift chair.  We've already been to the Togus VA a couple times for appointments, including one of the most incredible visits I've been to with her  when she found a doctor who really seems to care and has already ordered a variety of new tests to try and find the why's of her declining health.  We've also obtained a family pass to the local YMCA so Shawna has been able to begin swimming again.  I'm not sure which makes her happier, clay or swimming, but both seem to have a vast impact on her mood and mental health and as such have become staples within our life.

It's been an exciting time within our family in the past months and this is just a brief overview.  There were a lot of up's and downs during our time living up north and by the end we were ready to begin our new chapter.  Thus far this move is proving to have been a wonderful thing for our family and I can only hope that the longer we're here, the better things will become.      

Helping Our Loved Ones After They Return Home

This is essentially a re-post of an entry I did back in September of 2013 entitled, 'Dealing with PTSD, Depression, and Suicide as a friend or family member.'  I was brought back to this upon it being shared by a friend of mine who's begun a group called, General Order Zero who's goal is, "designed to raise awareness of the impact the veteran/service member suicide epidemic is having on our country through various channels, and to remind our ranks that we are only as strong as the combined efforts of our forces."  Their plan is to do this by using real stories, from real veterans, in a future documentary regarding the subject.  Upon reading what I wrote back then, I decided that it was time to revisit the subject and update both the writing as well as some of the subject matter in the hopes of making the message stronger and therefore increasing the likelihood that it will be beneficial to those who read it.


This post is going to deviate slightly from the basic premise of this blog.  If you've read any of the previous posts you're aware that this blog was started to discuss my day to day life as the now husband and caretaker of a disabled veteran.  While some of the subjects I'll discuss today are relevant to that, the overall theme is more about what we can do as friends and family to help returning veterans as they make the tough transition to civilian life.  Being that I'm also writing this on the 12th anniversary of 9/11, I'd also like to point out that many of those who work in public service; law enforcement, paramedics, EMT's, emergency room attendants,  also face various amounts of hell on a daily basis as well and should be included here.

Before I begin, for anyone new to this blog, I myself am not a veteran.  I'm also not a firefighter, EMT, or LEO.  I'm married to a vet and friends with other's who've served as well as those involved with law enforcement and other public services.  I'm also not one of those people who hangs on in an attempt to distract attention away from their accomplishments and service or garner something for myself.  I met Shawna on-line knowing nothing of her past, my cop friends are people I've been hanging out with since high school or earlier, and the two vets (who also stood with me at my wedding) ironically became friends through an ex-girlfriend (one is her brother-in-law.)  In actuality, I try to distance myself from all of them if the topic of service, be it military or public, comes up because the idea of stealing someones valor, intentionally or unintentionally makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm just a regular guy who's met some great people along the way in life and like everyone, they have a back story. 

So where am I going with today's post?  Being friends with people who've seen and been through so much has given me a unique perspective into dealing with PTSD and depression as both a friend and a family member. This does not, by any means, imply that I know everything.  It doesn't even mean I know a little about the subject to be quite honest.  But one thing I do know is that it's real.  I've seen the breakdowns. I've seen the tears. I've heard the stories. I've seen the stares off into space. And I've witnessed the quick subject changes that come when a topic hits a little too close to home.  Today's post is just a mix of what's worked for me and what may help you as a loved one.  Some are perhaps things you've heard before but I've also included some you may not have thought of.  I also leave this open to comments from people with far more knowledge than I; including those who are or have dealt PTSD, Depression, and thoughts of Suicide.

1.)  If you weren't there, don't attempt to correlate what they went through to an experience you had:
      Your high school sports team is not the same as being in a military unit.  I know this and many others know this.  However, from what I've heard and read from those who've been in the military, apparently many people do not.  You're comparing apples to donuts.  Simply being on a team at some point in your life does not equate to serving in a unit where not having each other's back or making a mistake can cost sever injury or even death to another. Similarly, dealing with death is also different.  While your grandma's passing was a tough time I'm sure, having your friend die in battle right in front of you is going to play much more traumatically in your mind. Take a second, close your eyes and imagine someone you really love:  a best friend, child, spouse.  Now think about them dying in some gruesome way.  Does it still feel the same as getting a phone call that your great aunt died?  If it does, there's something seriously fucking wrong with you.  If someone feels close enough to open up to you about something terrible, keep your ears open and your mouth shut and let them get it out.  Perhaps ask a few questions if you feel comfortable enough doing so.  But remember, it's their time.  Don't steal those needed moments from them.

2.)  Don't ask stupid questions:
      I think the famous one that idiots ask is, "Did you kill anyone other there?"  This can be followed with, "How many people did you kill?" and "what's it like to kill someone?".  I mean, really?  Is our culture really that fucking dense that we still think it's OK to ask these questions?  If you're an adult, there is no reason to think that such behavior is acceptable.  The only group that has some understanding when asking such things is children because they're most likely associating war, shootings, death, ect with things they've seen on TV.  And I think that's OK to a point.  It's an opportunity to teach them something and most vets I've talked to, while uncomfortable about it obviously, have understanding when it comes to being asked by those who have no reason to understand.  However, if you're an adult and being that insensitive and ignorant you deserve the fist you may receive in the mouth.  Sorry, but you're supposed to be a grown up.  There are more than enough reference materials floating around now that you should be well aware of what's acceptable. 

3.)  Don't be in a hurry:
      Chances are if someone is comfortable enough to begin talking to you about their experience or experiences it's not all going to come out at once.  As a matter or fact, most people don't reveal everything about too many topics in a single sitting.  It will come out over time and you have to realize that.  It may take months or years to learn everything.  You may never get all the information.  But you need to exercise patience.  Let them talk at their own pace.  What they may not trust revealing now they may over time once they work it out in their own mind.  Perhaps you haven't built up enough trust with them for them to get into too much detail.  That's OK, it really is.  There's no need to poke and prod to try and satisfy your own curiosity and there's no guarantee that the faster they talk about something the faster they'll begin to move past, or at least come to terms with it.  Respect and work with the process.  It'll go much better for the both of you.    

4.)  You're going to be uncomfortable:
      It's a reality that if you've never experienced war and someone is attempting to open up to you about it, you're going to be somewhat uncomfortable about what they're telling you.  I know the first few times I was a trusted ear, I sure as hell was.  I think sometimes it's where issue where number one arises.  You're uncomfortable and rather than feel that way you attempt to fill in the blank space.  Do yourself and your loved one a favor:  Don't.  Again, it's their time so let them have it.  There will be times later to discuss other things but now is not it. 

5.)  Reach out...and don't stop:
    I believe it's important for these people to know that A.)  You care, B.)  You're available, and C.) You have their back.  If you've called your buddy and invited him over or out for a beer 5 times and he's declined, make the call a 6th, 7th, 100th time.  Remember, it's not about you and your pride.  Perhaps they'll stop answering your calls for awhile but there's a lot to be said for looking at your missed call list and seeing a friend or families number on there repeatedly when you're going through a tough time.  Stop by and see how they're doing. Make them dinner and drop it off from time to time.  Offer to take them on a hiking trip or to a ball game or something that interests or interested them previously.  Just make sure they know you're there if and/or when they need you.

6.)  Do your own research:
      By doing your own research I'm not talking about clinical research; I'm talking about research that may help you gain an understanding of what it is they went and are going through.  I have pages on facebook that I follow for this simple reasons.  It's from one of them that I actually had the idea for this article.  It's a veteran owned and operated site and this week they've been publishing blog posts about PTSD and suicide among returning vets.  You can learn a lot from people who've been there and are now willing to discuss it.  You can gain insight as to what's going on in their mind and by having that it may help you react if the time ever comes when someone close to you is going through it.  Another valuable resource for me has been the works of Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, author of 'On Killing' and 'On Combat'.  These two books are great in my opinion not only for Leo's and soldiers, but also for those who see the indirect results of combat on a consistent basis. 

7.)  Talk to them in a way that allows them to talk back:
     If they're someone you care about talk to them.  And don't talk at them, talk to them.  And yes, there's a difference.  Don't attempt to tell someone how they should feel or try to put a time line on when they may begin feeling better or moving past what's bothering them.  It doesn't work like that no matter how much you want it too.  It all goes back to number 2.  Just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn't give you the right to be a selfish asshole.  You don't and can't know what's going on in their mind.  Again, what you can do is be there for them.  I've heard a lot of stories that I won't repeat here or anywhere else because it would violate a trust I hold dear but needless to say I've heard some pretty horrible accounts of things.  However, here's where it gets tricky for most people.  I listened rather than talked through most of it.  Let me say that again...I L.I.S.T.E.N.E.D!  I was shown an unimaginable amount of trust and in that moment you have to realize that it's not about you; it's about them.  I tend to ask some questions but that all comes down to the relationship you have with that person and your own insight into who they are.  It also comes down to your own general intelligence and whether or not you think you can ask questions that are appropriate.  Not everyone has that insight into themselves and if you don't think your questions will be helpful, just listen and let them talk.

8.)  Don't make fun of, bully, or patronize, ect. 
      My wife actually led me to this one from a story that happened to us (she's given me permission to share).  We hadn't been together for only a few months when one night while lying on the couch we heard this very loud "bang" that I actually thought was a shotgun going off.  Living as close as we did to my family, it was not unheard of to hear something like that for me as rodents have been dispatched from time to time throughout my childhood.  However, Shawna was shaking and flush colored from being startled so suddenly.  I went outside to search out the source but could find no sign of anyone and was left shaking wondering what the hell the sound was.  Awhile later I went to the fridge and found that a can of biscuits had built up enough pressure to explode open.  It was funny then but what she appreciated was that I laughed (along with her) about it later.  I didn't judge her or make fun; I had enough understanding from talking to her previously to know that loud, unexpected noises were troublesome.  Fireworks are another trigger for her and many, many other veterans as are heavily populated areas.  Not every trigger can be avoided, but using someone else's emotional breaks for your own amusement can be.  Do what you can to bring them back to their comfort zone and perhaps later on, when the time is right you can both have a laugh at it.     


9.)  Seek your own help:
      I have no experience in the mental health field.  I have an interest in psychology and human behavior so I read and study it somewhat as a hobby but a professional I am not.  That being said, it can be helpful to have someone to talk to yourself.  Not only can you discuss your own thoughts and feelings in a place that won't judge you or your friend/loved one, but they can potentially give you helpful tools and advice.  I know there can be a stigma for getting mental health help but the reality is that there's nothing wrong with it.  Seeking advice from someone who's made it their life's work to study, analyze, and understand the human mind is no different than going to a mechanic to have work done on your car.  It's what they do and they have a much better understanding than anyone else on the subject. Use the tools and information available to you.  It'll help you and your loved one.   

10.)  Don't simply pay lip service:
     If you say you're there for them, follow it up with actions and not just words.  If they reach out, pick up the phone.  Sure, there are times in life where you can't just drop everything to show up in person but there are other ways to help. Put them into contact with another trusted ally, find numbers and resources that may help and then check in on them when you can so they know you're not filling them full of shit.  I'm in no way saying that you give devote your whole life to them (though I'm not judging if you choose to do so.  That's a personal choice) but if you say you're there to help, be there to help.  If you can't, be upfront with them about it.  Most of the time people are simply looking for honesty.  Be honest about what you can and can't do.





I'm not going to lie, it's not always easy.  Our vets and public servants are not only dealing with the trauma; they also get to deal with the current stigma associated with PTSD as well as the knowledge that they're not the same person and the strain it can put on those around them.  What we can do as friends and family is let them know that we can handle it.  That it's ok for them to let it out and that we love them and are there for them when and if they need it.  That we're not going to run from them in their time of need like they didn't run when we needed them.  Do things change overnight?  Nope.  It's a long haul thing and there's no guarantee things will go back to the way they were previously.  However, it's rewarding.  It's rewarding like nothing else that can be imagined.  To let someone know that you're going to have their back through thick and thin, through good times and bad; that you're not going to leave them just because things are hard...that's not a little thing.  That's one of the big ones. 

Not Stopping

It was a rough July in our household that culminated in a very rough weekend.  I'm very much looking forward to the end of July 2015 and the beginning of August.  While I'm not going to get into everything, the main points were: me being down for much of the month injured therefore having much of the summer work fall way, way behind, having the car act up repeatedly which has left me questioning the reliability, and losing yet another house, this time due to a failed home inspection.  As I'm sitting here writing this I feel as though I'm finally at a point where I can take a deep breath and reflect on everything so we can sit and formulate a game plan without the added disruption of emotion coming into play.  It was a rough month and a rough week and now it's time to move forward.

So here's what we have going for us.  Caden is back home after his summer visit with his dad and school will be beginning for him soon  (actually sooner than most in Maine as they go back early and then have a two week break next month for the potato harvest...an outdated practice that really makes no sense now-a-days..but I digress).  Shawna's health for the most part has been pretty decent.  She had a seizure a couple weeks ago but it was the first in a couple months so that's definitely a win.  Her pain levels also haven't been as high recently which I'm going to attribute currently to a fairly mild summer with only a few hot days thrown in.  My health has also improved.  I've been back to the gym a couple times in the past week which was nice.  Though I'm not 100% I'm also not laid up on the couch and have been able to resume tackling some of my summer projects, though at times I am required to stop and take a break though I may not want to.

The car is going in next week for some extended warranty work, which will hopefully allieviate the problem.  However, I'm also waiting to hear back form a salesman about a potential trade-in for something that would fit the needs of our family a bit better.  I also have somewhere between 10 and 15 more houses to look at sometime in the next week once the car issue is resolved.  We've had to create a new plan to get more houses available to us but sometimes revision of the current plan is the only way to reach the goals of the future  It's come to the point where our current location simply doesn't grant us the ability to meet our future goals.  A change is needed and some things will need to be sacrificed to meet those goals.  It's not perfect and we're not happy about some of the decisions we're having to make but that's what being an adult is all about I guess; making decisions that aren't perfect but rather are necessary.  Thankfully, they haven't stopped making beer so those decisions have a chaser when needed.

The truth of the matter sometimes life just sucks.  Things don't go according to plan or just the way you want. Bad things happen to everyone and while sometimes they're of our own making, just as often it's totally out of our control.  We can't predict the future we can only hope to manipulate it as much as possible by our own actions and in-actions.  There is no secret to life and if there were most of us wouldn't listen to it anyways because humans want the ability to decide for themselves and we can't do that without the benefit of our experiences.  Sure, some shit in our life isn't turning our like we'd like but that doesn't mean we're void of opportunities.  The fact that I'm writing this post currently is proof of that.  It's something I enjoy, find beneficial, and allows me a mechanism for interacting with others.  When we get the car fixed or traded in we'll have hopefully changed the circumstances of our ability to safely travel.  Once we move we'll have better Dr.'s for Shawna to visit.  Choices, decisions, actions; we all have a certain amount of control over each of these.  What we chose to do with that control is up to us.    

Man Down!

We've had a couple weeks of wacky in our household.  One interesting thing about our life is that when you have one person already limited with their physical abilities, if the other one goes down it throws things into flux.  That's where we're at right now.  Shawna's health is a constant in that it's never 100%.  Her medical issues are something that's always there. Of course some day's are better than others but unless something gets figured out in the future, we know that she's unlikely to wake up one day and her legs are magically better and she's able to stand and move around for more than 20 minutes to a time.  It's an unfortunate fact of life for us.  That means that in order for us to live day to day, my health on the other hand, must be good consistently.  I'm not talking about coming down with a cold or flu, but rather my long term physical health. Since getting together and then moving to our current location we've had a couple of times when I was down for a day or two here and there with an injury but these past couple of weeks have been the first time I've been down for an extended period of time and well, it sucks.

A couple of weeks ago we were preparing to head south so that we could drop off Caden for the summer with his dad and then Shawna and I were going to spend the rest of the weekend looking at homes for sale. Before we left I wanted to hit the gym and get in my last workout for the week.  Everything was going fine until I attempted my second set of dead lifts and felt something pull in my lower back/hip area.  This was nothing new and a feeling I've actually grown accustomed to it's happened so many times.  Hell, it was one of the reasons I started back at the gym in the first place.  Regardless, I skipped the rest of the pulls and one other movement but finished the rest that didn't place a lot of stress on the affected area, came home, showered, and then we were off for the weekend.  It was an uncomfortable but manageable ride as where the next couple of days and I figured once we were home I'd be able to rest it and be back on my feet by the end of the week.  I was wrong.

The injury occurred two weeks ago tomorrow and in that time I've watched more shitty tv and spent more time on the couch and in bed than I'd care to do again for a long, long time.  I've been to the chiropractor 3 times and it appears as though not only did I pull a muscle, I also managed to pinch a nerve.  I'm essentially useless for doing anything.  Hell, my wife is even having to help me put underwear and pants on because I can't really bend over without pain and weakness threatening to lunge me headfirst into the floor.  Because of this, everything around the house is suffering.  The laundry is not adding up too quickly thankfully because I'm wearing mostly t-shirts and shorts during the day.  I managed to do the bigger dishes that Shawna has trouble managing so that's been ok but cooking has been tough so my diet is taking a hit.  Grocery shopping the other day was much more miserable experience than usual.  The dog is losing his mind because I can't take him out to play like he needs.  The regular cleaning has been non-existent.  A couple projects in the garage are on hold as is the work that needs done on my truck and all the outside work and preparation for winter. Sure it'll be waiting for me there when I'm healed but that's not the point.  Some things are more times sensitive than others plus who wants to live in a completely unorganized house in need of cleaning?  By far my biggest fear about living here has been what would happen if I also got hurt.  These past couple of weeks I'm getting the opportunity to find out.

I think this is one of the biggest differences in our life to others.  It's not better or worse, just different.  Every family deals with something.  Some only have a single, working parent to try and manage everything (my hats off to you folks!  What you do is absolutely commendable!).  Others are like us where one spouse is sick or injured.  It definitely changes the dynamic of the household when something happens.  On the plus sides I've been able to finish a book and have had to open up to receiving help from my wife.  This allows us to work on our communication and teamwork skills which I think are huge in any marriage.  There is definitely a silver lining to all this and now that I've learned these lessons...I need to hurry up and heal because I don't have time for this shit.