The Dark Side of TBI

If you’re offended by language and real talk, this post is not going to be for you. Because sometimes, when what’s in your head is itching to come out, it’s best to simply remove the filter and let it say whatever it wishes by using your fingers as nothing more than a conduit.

Brain injuries can be a son of a bitch.  Not just because of the menial inconveniences they illicit, but because they're forever attempting to manipulate your thoughts and actions. The brain understands you even when you don’t understand yourself and it’ll slowly work on your weaknesses by creating doubts, fears, emotions, actions, depression, and leaving you with nothing but the fallout and consequences to deal with later. Of course, this isn’t guaranteed to happen but from the stories of others, I’ve been able to gather that my experiences are not abnormal….and they can be fucking frightening.

Killing myself has been a topic of conversation within my head numerous times.  And it's always striking when I'm feeling my lowest or when I'm mentally fatigued because it's a bitch like that.  I finally revealed this to my wife a few weeks ago, while deeply intoxicated off a shit load of Irish whiskey. For clarity, I’ve never come close to even taking a single step toward any actions that would take me down that road.  But it has given my insight into the minds of those who have and those who may be considering it.  I'm thankful that I have and have had the resources available to inform me of this possibility before it ever happened.  When added to my long time interest in psychology, I am no doubt fortunate in many respects.  I can’t even begin to imagine how others felt in previous years before we began to gain some understanding into the long term effects of brain trauma. It’s the main reason why I no longer watch football, especially the NFL. What many of those former players had to suffer through because of what was hidden is fucking haunting to anyone who’s experiencing the side effects of TBI. Not only did they have to suffer through the effects of the injuries, but to then be repeatedly told that nothing was actually wrong and “it was in their head”, (the irony of that statement is not lost on me) ect; what a gross indignity to experience simply so millionaires could become billionaires.

And not only did the NFL players suffer because the research was stymied, but so did other players from college down to high school and pee wees. Military veterans couldn’t have received proper care even if the VA wasn’t a shit show, and treatment for those in car and other accidents was never as good as it could have been for over 20 years because the research that could have enhanced treatment procedures was never performed. If it seems like I’m a little jaded, it’s because I am.

The fact is, I was always going to end up here. Even if the initial information had been revealed back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, there’s a good chance it would not have advanced enough to be of much use to me. Add in the fact a tree literally landed on top of me, getting a fucked up human processor was probably always in the cards. That’s OK, I can deal with it. It sucks sometimes, but I’m making due; pretty much. If nothing else, because self-awareness is something I’m continuously working on, I believe I have a fantastic opportunity to use my situation to help others. And that’s what’s promoted me to write this. People need to know that they’re not alone.

As I mentioned earlier, the thought of ending it all, i.e, committing suicide, is one that seems to always be fighting to make itself known. It’s not always there, but especially when I’m feeling down, it’s voice will speak a little louder and I’ll have to mentally drop kick it back into its hole. Sadness is a big one.  Long term frustration can be as well.  As can be the presentation of new symptoms that also align with other disorders and diseases. When they’re fatal ones, having such news revealed on on top of an already fragile emotional state can be completely over fucking whelming let me tell ya. Your broken brain will head off in every God damn direction imaginable and trying to slow it down is near damn impossible. 

And why shouldn’t it? Now that scientists and medical professionals are studying the short and long term affects of brain injuries, daily, words like Alzheimer, dementia, Parkinson's, ALS, Lewy Body, and of course, CTE, are being associated. When you’re 35, already nervous at best and scared at worst because you have blank spots in your memory, forget things, have trouble retaining new information, and have to work through anxiety issues every now and again, being constantly presented with the possibility that your future holds no memory of your life, well, telling the world it can fuck off simply seems appropriate.

I don’t have solutions. Hell, at the moment I don’t have any theories to speak of. I’m in the same boat as other people in that I’m simply looking for a path that will work for me. I’m sleeping more than I’d prefer. On top of the symptoms mentioned above, I’m currently battling fatigue, dysphagia, aphasia, headaches, sensitivity to sight and sound, some other speech issues, memory lapses, and perhaps most frustrating of all, a complete lack of ability to concentrate when my fatigue hits a certain stage. Many days I come home from work, eat and head immediately to bed for a nap that lasts anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and 20 minutes. When I wake, I’m about half of who I was in the morning and only for a few hours, and then it’s back to bed for a good nights recharge (hopefully).

In the mornings I’m good for anywhere from 5 to 7 hours before there is a noticeable decline in my cognition.  After that I can still do activities but generally they need to be tasks I've done before and work off muscle memory, if you will.  I can work outside on the tractor, clean the house, cook dinner, ect but studying becomes extremely difficult to impossible, discussing complex ideas is a no-go, and even holding some conversations can be an exercise in futility.  Clearly this does not just impact me but my entire family as well because we have to work around such issues as well as it limits my ability to have the kinds of interactions I'd prefer.  I have not had an opportunity recently to test if it’s the same if I get a couple days of rest because I’ve not had an opportunity to get a couple days worth of rest. Admittedly I have some theories I’d like to try so I can begin finding more concrete solutions but in general, life doesn’t give a fuck about my theories so like most others, I push on and try to figure things out when I can.

I strive to make the majority of my posts positive but sometimes things suck and need to be called like they are.  At times I don’t have an ability to put on a face for the world and it simply get's what I have. It seems to be happening more and more lately and I honestly don’t know whether it’s good or bad. TBI and post concussion are real thing but also still in their infancy with regard to medical understanding, treatment, and public knowledge and acceptance. Whether I’ll actually have any impact through my experiences is difficult, if not impossible to say. But...but, I certainly hope this isn’t all for naught.

And while this seems like I’m bitching, and I guess I sort of am, it’s also honest. As is the fact that there are people in this world a hell of a lot worse off than I am.  Still, it doesn’t change that this shit gets to you. It wears you down when certain situations happen and you understand your reactions, behaviors, and memories are not the same as they once were. I don’t know what made me write this tonight. Perhaps it was just time. I feel like while I’ve been fighting back against this TBI/PCS issue, I’ve also been letting in lead the way in most respects. I’ve been reactionary to what it’s thrown at me and I'm finally attempting to take the necessary steps to take back some control. To try and not be so completely exhausted at the end of the day I can barely hold a conversation or attempt to learn something new. To try and take this bitch by the horns so I can truly find ways to adapt and overcome the obstacles.

 Or perhaps I needed to write this because while my intent was to let others know they’re not alone, I need to know I’m not alone too.




If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please reach out to someone who'll listen.  Whether it's a friend, family member, professional, or group.  Linked are some resources who can help.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/veterans/