Thank you Simple Things

If you've followed this blog for any length of time, you may notice that the name has recently changed.  While 'The Simple Things' worked in the beginning, as I've moved into a different stage of life, it was time for a change here as well.  So, why 'Country Strength Maine' you ask?  Because it's the name I've chosen for the business I'm currently in the process of developing.  While eventually I'll develop it into a brick and mortar

Country Strength Maine

location; a gym and training center to be precise, for now it's simply social media pages and this blog.  And the one thing those all have in common is they allow me to present ideas, information, opinions, and down the road video's, interviews, and graphic's.  What it came down too is eventually for both efficiency and my own sanity everything was going to need to fall under one heading.  Doing it now is taking the needed and inevitable step and I know it's right because doing so exhibited a physical deep breath of relaxation.

So what else is going to change with the new CSME blog?  Not much that I can foresee other than my plan to use it while developing a clearer picture of how I want the future to play out..  The premise will remain the same in that I'll write about a variety of topics such as training, leadership, education, concussion/TBI, being a husband and caregiver to someone with a neurological disorder, parenthood, relationships, and how working with and around life develops us into the people we become and the changes that take place within us throughout the journey.

The truth is, I really do enjoy writing.  I often find myself writing social media posts meant to be a few lines or at most a paragraph that turn into damn near blog post length.  The problem becomes time, specifically time management if I'm being honest, though it's a problem I feel like I'm continuously getting better at.  Managing my time is so much more important now than it's ever been.  Between the TBI and it's effects, family, dogs, house, my career, and my desire to develop my own business, I'm somewhere between not having and not making the time to sit and put fingers to keyboard.  I haven't worked on either editing a novel that's first draft completed nor really begun my next book, which I feel excited to write at times but go blank with upon finally sitting down to work on.  (Steven Pressfield calls this resistance and I admit it defeats me often).  By treating everything as multiple platforms under the same umbrella rather than multiple platforms with no connection, it's my hope that it'll make post writing more efficient because it'll allow me to be more focused and reduce the amount of new topic generation I'm required to do.  Of course, it's unlikely to be as simple as change the name and voila, things are amazing but given some time and practice I can foresee this being a great long term change.

Spring is the Season for Growth

I guess that's it for now.  Just a quick update but it feels good to be writing again.  So good I think upon completion of this I'll begin the next post, which will be a bit more topic specific.

It's spring here in Maine.  The birds are chirping, the mud is beginning to dry up, and soon things will begin to bloom; Maine will be alive again after its winter slumber.  It only seems appropriate that in a season of such change, Country Strength Maine begins to grow from the seeds planted by The Simple Things.

Crash

The afternoon I hit the publish key on my previous discussion regarding TBI and mental health, all the issues I'd been dealing with during the spring and summer came to a head.  Though there is certainly no good time for it to have happened, the fact that it did so on a day when I was openly discussing the suicidal ideation's that can come with brain injuries couldn't have made the timing worse.  That evening was the catalyst for many changes that have taken place since and while I can sit here today thankful....ish, that the situation transpired as it did, at the time the varying emotions and levels of each was overwhelming, frustrating, and scary as hell. 

On August 17th 2018, the very day I posted discussing the effects TBI can have on mental health titled, The Dark Side of TBI, life for myself and my family took an extreme turn.  On that day I woke at my normal time but rather make my way to the farm, I completed the post, hit publish, and then prepared for work.  At the time I'd be working mostly mornings due to our acknowledgement my mental clarity was best during the beginning of the day but that evening I'd switched in an effort to accomplish a task (washing stalls to be exact) best completed when horses are not being moved and boarders are not present.  Luckily, I'd gone in early enough that a trainer was still working with her own horse and our stable hand hadn't quite finished up her evening shift yet.  Otherwise....well.  This would be an entirely different story and likely not told by me.

Before I continue, I feel as though I need to step back a bit further in order to provide clarity.  Over the course of the winter and spring my health, specifically regarding my TBI, had continued to degrade. I'd been having increased difficulty remembering and processing information, my speech was seemingly getting worse by the week, I was constantly fatigued, and I was consistently agitated to put it nicely.  Physically and mentally I was a wreck.  Whether it was simply the stress from the job and life, the need to work a range of hours in varying weather, or a combination of it all, it was clear I was having issues and the methods of treatment I was using weren't working.  By the time August rolled around, my days consisted of work, (minimum) daily requirements at home, and then rest as much as possible.  None of the projects on our homestead were getting accomplished, I wasn't working toward my long term career goals, and working out had become limited to one day per week, if that.  All the things I'd been doing, including running, were set aside in favor of rest so I could get myself to work the next day.  My interactions with anyone outside my home were near non-existent and the relationships within were suffering tremendously.  I wasn't living.  Hell, I'm not sure if I was really even existing.  I functioned enough to get though the day and that was it.  My wife knew how bad I was struggling.  My OT knew.  My family knew.  And while I'm sure they, like myself, didn't understand the degree, I'm assuming people that saw me at work everyday had some indications as well.

But even though I knew things were getting worse, looking back I don't think I understood the severity of the situation and even if I had, between the need for food on the table and the don't quit/don't fail/don't let down everyone fear I held, do myself any favors simply wasn't in the cards. 

I was in survival mode, just trying to get through the next day, the next week, with the hopes that somewhere along the line I'd find an answer and would once again begin to feel like myself.  And eventually that would come.  But first, I'd have to crash.

And that brings us back to the evening of August 17th.  Upon arrival I was already not feeling great.  My brain felt sluggish and I was already tired given I was accustomed to it being the end of my day. Regardless, I had a job to get done and feeling off was simply something to be worked around by that point.  Additionally, it was a standard task.  Something I'd already done more than a few times so I had no concerns that'd I'd do it well and go home.

Not the exact stall but a good representation if you added a door

I did all my basic checks and with the barn basically empty of riders and the horses in their required locations for the evening, I set to work gathering the tools I'd need; pressure washer, hose, brooms, shovel, large tarp and moved them to the task location.  (For those that don't know, stalls and wash stalls are periodically pressure washed and sanitized to help maintain the health of the horses.  Just like cleaning ones home, living in filth can lead to illness whether human or equine.  In order to do so, the large rubber mats are pulled out, each weighing in the neighborhood of 100 pounds, so that the floor underneath can be cleaned as well.)  After hooking everything up, (this is where things went south in a hurry), because there were still a couple people handling horses and I didn't want the sound of the pressure washer to startle them, I made the decision to pull the gas powered pressure washer into the stall with me...and close the door.

Let me state that one more time:  I, the maintenance man, a person who's lived in Maine my entire life and been hearing and watching warnings related to carbon monoxide poising due to small engines running inside homes (happens at least a couple times of year in the winter due to generators) since I can remember, pulled the gas powered generator into the approximately 12 foot by 12 foot un-ventilated room...and Shut. The. Fucking. Door.

I made it for quite awhile before I began to feel the physical consequences of such a careless decision.  I washed all the rubber mats first without issue, shut the washer down, opened the door, and pulled them out; feeling nothing at that time.  I then went back in, closed the door.... again, and began spraying down the concrete floor and walls.  I have no idea how long I was in there before the effects became noticeable.  At first I thought it was heat related and tried to push through because I was fairly close to being done.  Frankly, given it was August and the washer was hooked to hot water, I thought what I was feeling was heat related.  However, from the time I began to feel ill to the time I needed to sit down because I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand, was mere minutes.  Shutting the washer off I opened the door, and stepped out into the cooler and cleaner air and sat down, working to clear my head and catch my breath.  It still hadn't dawned on me what I'd done.  I thought the heat and humidity of the room had flared my TBI symptoms.  It wasn't until my co-worker, who was thankfully still there even though it was a few minutes past the end of her shift, saw me sitting, came to check on me, and upon smelling the fumes, recognized and informed me of what I'd done.

Immediately, I knew she was right and immediately, I knew that I'd fucked up severely and was in potential danger.  When asked, I agreed to have the ambulance called and while waiting, her and the aforementioned trainer, who's also a vet tech (I believe that's her title anyways) stayed with me and checked on me best they could.  When the ambulance hadn't arrived after an extended period, the owners husband swung in to pick me up and dropped me off at the ER.  I was obviously feeling fairly shitty at that point and they got me on pure O2 in an effort to break up the carbon monoxide in my blood as quickly as possible.  I was in the hospital for a few hours with it and the attending physicians stated that I had likely had a CO2 blood level somewhere between 40-50%.

What does that mean?  At those levels the symptoms are headache, confusion, collapse, and fainting during exertion.  At the 60-70% loss of consciousness, possible convulsions, heart failure, and possible death occur.  At 80%, it's all she wrote.(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK220007/table/ttt00024/?report=objectonly)
If things hadn't gone exactly right and I'd passed out in the stall or if my co-worker had left on time and after sitting for a few I'd decided to try and finish up (which is a reasonable course of action to consider frankly), I wouldn't be writing this.  I was lucky, very lucky.  My inability to make admissions to myself regarding my brain health almost cost me my life.

For obvious reasons, I was pretty shaken up in the days after.  The incident would lead to the eventual separation from the job because admittedly such actions shown me to be a liability given what the job entailed.  My confidence in my decision making was clearly shaken as was my emotional state.  I was broken physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I don't really remember the subsequent couple weeks other than shortly thereafter the life changing opportunity I'd been waiting for came to fruition and after being offered the opportunity to work as an intern as a coach at a gym, I was able to turn it into a job and pursue my passion.

And while some may not know my TBI story, I also do not hide it nor can I or should I hide from what happened last August.  We all make mistakes but on that day what I did was not me.  It was a clear indication that I could not continue to live that life and it was going to change whether I wanted it too or not.  Do I wish I'd been able to handle it differently?  Yes.  Did it have to go the way it did?  Unfortunately, probably.  But like with the rest of my concussion story, my hope is that eventually I'll be able to work it into a teachable moment so it wasn't all for nothing.  So that scaring the shit out of my wife, family, and self wasn't all for nothing..       









 

The Dark Side of TBI

If you’re offended by language and real talk, this post is not going to be for you. Because sometimes, when what’s in your head is itching to come out, it’s best to simply remove the filter and let it say whatever it wishes by using your fingers as nothing more than a conduit.

Brain injuries can be a son of a bitch.  Not just because of the menial inconveniences they illicit, but because they're forever attempting to manipulate your thoughts and actions. The brain understands you even when you don’t understand yourself and it’ll slowly work on your weaknesses by creating doubts, fears, emotions, actions, depression, and leaving you with nothing but the fallout and consequences to deal with later. Of course, this isn’t guaranteed to happen but from the stories of others, I’ve been able to gather that my experiences are not abnormal….and they can be fucking frightening.

Killing myself has been a topic of conversation within my head numerous times.  And it's always striking when I'm feeling my lowest or when I'm mentally fatigued because it's a bitch like that.  I finally revealed this to my wife a few weeks ago, while deeply intoxicated off a shit load of Irish whiskey. For clarity, I’ve never come close to even taking a single step toward any actions that would take me down that road.  But it has given my insight into the minds of those who have and those who may be considering it.  I'm thankful that I have and have had the resources available to inform me of this possibility before it ever happened.  When added to my long time interest in psychology, I am no doubt fortunate in many respects.  I can’t even begin to imagine how others felt in previous years before we began to gain some understanding into the long term effects of brain trauma. It’s the main reason why I no longer watch football, especially the NFL. What many of those former players had to suffer through because of what was hidden is fucking haunting to anyone who’s experiencing the side effects of TBI. Not only did they have to suffer through the effects of the injuries, but to then be repeatedly told that nothing was actually wrong and “it was in their head”, (the irony of that statement is not lost on me) ect; what a gross indignity to experience simply so millionaires could become billionaires.

And not only did the NFL players suffer because the research was stymied, but so did other players from college down to high school and pee wees. Military veterans couldn’t have received proper care even if the VA wasn’t a shit show, and treatment for those in car and other accidents was never as good as it could have been for over 20 years because the research that could have enhanced treatment procedures was never performed. If it seems like I’m a little jaded, it’s because I am.

The fact is, I was always going to end up here. Even if the initial information had been revealed back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, there’s a good chance it would not have advanced enough to be of much use to me. Add in the fact a tree literally landed on top of me, getting a fucked up human processor was probably always in the cards. That’s OK, I can deal with it. It sucks sometimes, but I’m making due; pretty much. If nothing else, because self-awareness is something I’m continuously working on, I believe I have a fantastic opportunity to use my situation to help others. And that’s what’s promoted me to write this. People need to know that they’re not alone.

As I mentioned earlier, the thought of ending it all, i.e, committing suicide, is one that seems to always be fighting to make itself known. It’s not always there, but especially when I’m feeling down, it’s voice will speak a little louder and I’ll have to mentally drop kick it back into its hole. Sadness is a big one.  Long term frustration can be as well.  As can be the presentation of new symptoms that also align with other disorders and diseases. When they’re fatal ones, having such news revealed on on top of an already fragile emotional state can be completely over fucking whelming let me tell ya. Your broken brain will head off in every God damn direction imaginable and trying to slow it down is near damn impossible. 

And why shouldn’t it? Now that scientists and medical professionals are studying the short and long term affects of brain injuries, daily, words like Alzheimer, dementia, Parkinson's, ALS, Lewy Body, and of course, CTE, are being associated. When you’re 35, already nervous at best and scared at worst because you have blank spots in your memory, forget things, have trouble retaining new information, and have to work through anxiety issues every now and again, being constantly presented with the possibility that your future holds no memory of your life, well, telling the world it can fuck off simply seems appropriate.

I don’t have solutions. Hell, at the moment I don’t have any theories to speak of. I’m in the same boat as other people in that I’m simply looking for a path that will work for me. I’m sleeping more than I’d prefer. On top of the symptoms mentioned above, I’m currently battling fatigue, dysphagia, aphasia, headaches, sensitivity to sight and sound, some other speech issues, memory lapses, and perhaps most frustrating of all, a complete lack of ability to concentrate when my fatigue hits a certain stage. Many days I come home from work, eat and head immediately to bed for a nap that lasts anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and 20 minutes. When I wake, I’m about half of who I was in the morning and only for a few hours, and then it’s back to bed for a good nights recharge (hopefully).

In the mornings I’m good for anywhere from 5 to 7 hours before there is a noticeable decline in my cognition.  After that I can still do activities but generally they need to be tasks I've done before and work off muscle memory, if you will.  I can work outside on the tractor, clean the house, cook dinner, ect but studying becomes extremely difficult to impossible, discussing complex ideas is a no-go, and even holding some conversations can be an exercise in futility.  Clearly this does not just impact me but my entire family as well because we have to work around such issues as well as it limits my ability to have the kinds of interactions I'd prefer.  I have not had an opportunity recently to test if it’s the same if I get a couple days of rest because I’ve not had an opportunity to get a couple days worth of rest. Admittedly I have some theories I’d like to try so I can begin finding more concrete solutions but in general, life doesn’t give a fuck about my theories so like most others, I push on and try to figure things out when I can.

I strive to make the majority of my posts positive but sometimes things suck and need to be called like they are.  At times I don’t have an ability to put on a face for the world and it simply get's what I have. It seems to be happening more and more lately and I honestly don’t know whether it’s good or bad. TBI and post concussion are real thing but also still in their infancy with regard to medical understanding, treatment, and public knowledge and acceptance. Whether I’ll actually have any impact through my experiences is difficult, if not impossible to say. But...but, I certainly hope this isn’t all for naught.

And while this seems like I’m bitching, and I guess I sort of am, it’s also honest. As is the fact that there are people in this world a hell of a lot worse off than I am.  Still, it doesn’t change that this shit gets to you. It wears you down when certain situations happen and you understand your reactions, behaviors, and memories are not the same as they once were. I don’t know what made me write this tonight. Perhaps it was just time. I feel like while I’ve been fighting back against this TBI/PCS issue, I’ve also been letting in lead the way in most respects. I’ve been reactionary to what it’s thrown at me and I'm finally attempting to take the necessary steps to take back some control. To try and not be so completely exhausted at the end of the day I can barely hold a conversation or attempt to learn something new. To try and take this bitch by the horns so I can truly find ways to adapt and overcome the obstacles.

 Or perhaps I needed to write this because while my intent was to let others know they’re not alone, I need to know I’m not alone too.




If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please reach out to someone who'll listen.  Whether it's a friend, family member, professional, or group.  Linked are some resources who can help.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/veterans/

Concussion Recovery 4: I don't even know somedays

The face of frustration

Someday's I think I have some handle on TBI and it's related issues and others I feel like I'm pissing in the wind.  The good day / bad day mixture is such that I haven't been able to definitively lock down what I'm doing/not doing on the good that fosters and/or creates the issues that continue to crop up on the day(s) that follow.  Am I sleeping too much or not enough?  Am I too active or not active enough?  Should I be wearing my glasses more or less?  Should I be working one exercise more than another?  Does X exercise cause problems that I'm not aware of?  Should I be writing more to help rebuild neuro pathways or is that time offset because I'm looking at a computer screen?  Should I be be doing X,Y, and Z or should I only be doing or or none of them?  These are all constant questions and discussions that I'm working through on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  I have some conclusions regarding a few of them but overall I still feel lost almost two years post accident.

As I've mentioned previously, my last accident was only the most recent in a string of head injuries.  In the past I'd joke that I'd forget things because I'd been a long time football player with a slew of head injuries.  And while it seemed funny at the time, the truth is, that I'd been noticing some issues well before the tree came down.  For a couple years I'd had multiple times when I just couldn't find the correct word.  Times when I'd be speaking and the wrong word would escape.  When I'd walk into rooms and forget what the hell I was doing.  Some of these happen to everyone of course and were no reason to cause great alarm, but I'd mentioned to my wife on numerous occasions that there were days when the frequency of occurrence was causing some concern on my part.

The truth is something that I've not yet fully accepted.  My brain does not function either like it might have without injuries nor even like it did a couple years ago.  Something or things within are not and do not respond well to certain actions or stimuli and that's manifested into the side effects that are elicited on what seems to be a near daily basis.  My dysphagia and dysarthria has become more frequent and prominent, to the point I've begun to learn ASL (American Sign Language) in the off chance it eventually become permanent.  It's to the point now where my OT is also working to help me get referred for further neurological testing.  There is the possibility that some of my issues are unrelated to a head injury, which obviously does not settle my nerves about all this but all avenues must be considered if I wish to continue improving.

In addition to the dysphagia/dysarthria, there are other symptoms that take place which seem to be normal among other TBI/post concussion syndrome patients. For myself personally, dizziness, vertigo, fatigue, memory issues, concentration issues, irritability, anxiety, and sensitivity to noise and light are probably the biggest ones.  Often they can very in severity depending on a variety of factors but if I have a hard day with one or especially multiples, by the evening and generally into the next day, they're all enhanced and create barriers.  Unfortunately, as each symptom rises so does my frustration which only makes matters worse.  A person can try to keep the emotional toll at bay but eventually it does hit you not matter how much hard you fight to keep it at bay.  The human brain is a pain in the ass like that.

So what does all this mean?  Hell if I know at this point.  There will no doubt be more testing.  More trial and error on my part.  I'm already taking specific supplements to try and help rebuild damaged neuro pathways.  I try to spend some time reading new literature, conclusions, and implementing strategies from the latest studies on brain injuries.  I'm still working with OT, working on my diet and physical fitness in an effort to reduce the signals my brain has to process due to body and overall health complications.  I'm trying new techniques such as creating daily and weekly lists of jobs/chores to accomplish and have recently begun brain dumping in an effort to both obtain better efficiency in life and work as well as remove unnecessary and potentially prohibiting thoughts from my melon.  As always, there is more that I can do and tasks I can improve upon.  I need to be better at maintaining a daily journal and task list.  I need to be more consistent with my nightly stretching and foam rolling.  It's imperative that I work on my eye exercises on a much more regular basis.  And these are where I'm hoping the brain dump and subsequent organization of thoughts and tasks will really show value.

If I'm being honest, I get tired of most if not all things concussion related sometimes.  At the same time, I'm hoping that I'll be granted the opportunity to help others through my own experiences down the road as well.  At this point, I'm finally beginning to accept that this is something that's not going away.  Yes I can still thrive and improve, but I also need to mentally understand that I can't do some tasks the way I always did.  I have to ask for assistance from time to time.  I have to develop new habits.  Different doesn't have to equal worse, it just equals different.

For the next few posts I'm hoping to discuss some other topics other than concussions.  Frankly, I feel as though I need to force myself to take a break from being so single subject focused, at least from here given that some days it feels all encompassing.  Instead I'm going to focus on some other areas of interest, discuss some new thoughts, ideas, and practices that I've learned, and in general try to present fresh outlooks on everyday subjects.  If you found this blog because of the topic of concussions, I'll understand if that's your only interest and wish to skip them but if you'd like to check those out as well, as always I love receiving feedback and certainly invite you to do so.       

Concussion Recovery Part 3: Moving Forward

When I left off last, I was feeling like shit with a return of many symptoms, had resigned my coaching positions, and accepted a new job.  That was early August 17'.  In the months following improvement would be slow and frustrating not just for me but the family as a whole; especially Shawna.  The level of gratefulness I feel for her during that time can't be measured, especially given that Caden would receive a concussion during his football season that would not only end his season, but his high school football career.  The load she had to handle while dealing with her previously described medical issues had to have been damn near overwhelming.  But, I'll come back to that later because as I mentioned in my previous post, doing two things at once is absolutely not my strong suit.

Stress, I've found, is a key culprit.  The lower my stress, the better and longer I can work, study, read, and interact with people.  The higher my stress the more reclusive I become, the less I talk and interact, and the higher my requirement to find a way to "zone out".  What do I mean by zoning out?  It's simply an activity that allows my brain to initiate autopilot.  There are a few ways I've found to accomplish this.  Mowing and tractor work works great.  Physical exercise can help sometimes but not always.  I've recently found that playing some video games can provide relief so long as they're not that ones that require constant eye movement.  I tend to also re-watch the same TV programs.  NCIS and Burn Notice replay a lot because focus isn't required.  It annoys the hell out of the Misses but while there are many new fantastic new shows available, most are almost too good for me to enjoy.  They're so well done and in-depth that they require levels of focus and attention that cause mental fatigue.  Fortunate for the viewing public at large, not so much for me.

Unfortunately the way the previous summer worked out I've also been dealing with excess self-induced stress this winter because I fell so far behind.  I didn't even manage to get all my firewood cut and split so I've literally taken a day every week or two to get enough wood put in the basement to get us through until I can process more.  It's frustrating as shit on multiple levels, not the least of which is the fact that I'm a Mainer who was completely unprepared for winter.  If someone asked for my Maine card back, they'd be justified frankly and that hits the ole' pride right in the heart.

Working in a beautiful environment doesn't hurt.

While stress plays a big part in life, my new job has been great for my recovery in many ways.  I'm just the maintenance man at a horse stable but between the work, the animals, and my co-workers, the atmosphere and job type were just what I needed.  One of the areas I've seemed to have the most trouble with is learning new, complex ideas.  Trying to study my personal training manual so I can become certified has been a practice in frustration.  Memorization and trying to fully understand complex concepts is admittedly, at times, a struggle.  There are days, and they're adding up more and more, where I can study like I did in college and really retain new material but to try and do that at a job and then do it while chasing my own dreams at home would be and I've found is, quite an obstacle.  What my maintenance job requires is the type of work that I've either done previously or is close enough that I'm not having to learn completely new tasks .  It's also work that I enjoy doing for the most part.  When I'm at home I'm often out on the tractor working the land or renovating the house or homestead.  It can be physically demanding, frustrating, cold, hot, wet, and smelly but in general I can make it through the day without being both physically AND mentally wiped.  I can give an honest days work there, help my wife at home, and not always but generally, have a little brain left over.  I've found a job that actually helps aid in my recovery and I'm thankful for that.

Sleep and rest are two other essential requirements that were and are overlooked not just by me, but by our population as a whole.  However, when it comes to brain injury/recovery, it's essential.  Essential.. I'm not even sure that word is strong enough.  And I'm not talking for immediate post recovery, though it's key there too.  What I'm talking about is for life going forward.  There is a noticeable difference in how I feel, perform, and process when I'm consistently getting enough sleep and rest and when I'm not.  When I'm limiting my screen time, have good amounts of physical exercise, limiting stress, eating properly, and finding enough downtime to let my brain refresh and recharge and when I'm pushing too hard for too long.  I can get away with pushing myself to the ends of my current capabilities for a time, but eventually it catches up and when it does, everything becomes a struggle.  I get off the path I discussed in a recent post, I stop doing things I should be because they feel like additional work, my brain goes into a state of autopilot where I can get most of my daily tasks done but nothing extra, and I devolve into my cranky asshole-iest.  It's certainly not unnoticeable to myself or those around me when I hit this point and like dealing with weight, it's much easier to fall into the realm of unhealthy than it is to dig out of it.  Unfortunately, there's only one way to feel better in these instances and that's to slow down, put what's unnecessary on hold, rest, sleep, and spend some days consuming quality foods, and maintaining hydration.  Basically, get back to life at it most simplistic.  Sounds easy right?  Easy to prepare, harder in practice for whatever reason. 

In the first paragraph I mentioned what a rock Shawna has been through all this.  Between Caden and I this place can often feel like a mental madhouse.  Throw in the day's her health isn't so good and I can't even imagine what this place must look like to an outsider.  But through it all, communication has been immense and for the most part the three of us have been pretty decent at it.  Yes there have certainly been times when we've all struggled but that's not uncommon for A.) Marriage, or B.) a house where a teenager resides.  I'd venture a guess that there aren't many households in the area that are as knowledgeable and aware of concussion issues, recovery, and treatment as ours and we're constantly trying to use that to our advantage.  While I'd like to say it's not so, I also think that the past few years navigating a home containing a person with some physical limitations has also helped.  We'd already spent considerable time devising  systems and learning to overcome physical and mental roadblocks so when faced with new ones, it wasn't nearly as taxing as it might have been for a family new to such changes.

So that's part 3 of what I'd thought was going to be a 4 part series.  Coming soon with be a discussion regarding my treatment(s) thus far, some of what I've learned, and perhaps even some discussion regarding the future.  Then again, perhaps that'll be a part 5.  Like PCS recovery, at this point, it's anyone's guess how this will continue to develop.

Concussion Recovery Part 1                                   Concussion Recovery Part 2

Concussion Recovery Part 2: Stepping Back

The day after hitting publish on the first Concussion recovery post, I had a couple thoughts. First and foremost, the writing was shit and clearly a step back from where I'd been months before.  Secondly, I didn't fucking care because the point wasn't to write my masterpiece, it was simply to write something, almost anything, and hit publish.  Getting a win in this facet of life was important, perhaps vitally important if I were ever to continue.  When I initially expressed my thoughts regarding the (lack of) quality the misses thought I was preparing to delete and began protesting until I informed her otherwise.  Clearly she also recognized that while it wasn't my best work, simply publishing was where the value lied.  The third thought was that I'm going to have to revert back a bit in this discussion because I left out far too many details that are inherent to explaining what's happened.  Frankly, much of it was nothing more than a jumbled mess that seemed to leave more questions than answers.  I could, of course, delete and re-write the entire draft but to do so would remove what I believe to be an important step on this road to recovery and some clear evidence for readers fighting similar issues that they're not alone.  Recovering from TBI is a long, pain in the ass road that will be filled with victory and set-backs and we must acknowledge, learn from, and accept our failures as well as our successes on the road back.

When I left you last, I'd mentioned experiencing a relapse.  I'll discuss that shortly but first let me step back a bit farther and explain a few things.  First, I don't really remember the months immediately following the tree accident and the relapse is much more clear so it's easier for me to discuss.  Sometimes memories come back from that time frame but it seems to be the exception not the norm.  As an example:  My cousin was married post accident during the summer of 2016.  I actually attempted to drive us to the wedding (this was before Shawna was able to get her license back after getting her seizures under control) but only made it about a mile up the road before deciding I was not well enough to complete the trip.  A few months later, upon noticing their rings I asked them when they'd run off and gotten married.  That day was when I began to truly understand the severity of my trauma.

For grade school and collegiate athletes,
trainers are the first line in concussion
diagnosis and recovery.

This was not my first head trauma.  I'd gotten hurt a couple times as a young child and later would play football in both high school and college prior to the many recent advancements regarding concussions and protocols.  I had missing pieces of games and practices during those years.  Headaches, nausea, and who knows what other symptoms.  I also dealt with years of depression but I can't say for certain how much of a role head injuries played in that honestly.  If today's rules were available, I'd probably have been pulled from contact sports.  This is in NO WAY an effort to cast any sort of dispersion on coaches or training staff because honestly, they were operating under incomplete information in good faith.  Basically, they didn't know what they didn't know and it appears that certain highly visible organizations may have been hiding knowledge in an effort to protect brand and bottom line.  Unfortunate but certainly not surprising to anyone with a ounce of understanding regarding human behavior.  Thankfully today their lies and deceit have been uncovered and the next generation it proceeding forward with much more knowledge.  We all owe a debt of gratitude to those who pursued and to those who lost their lives in an effort to bring this information into the public domain.  If it hadn't been for their sacrifices who knows how many more lives would have been effected not because of actual trauma but because of undisclosed information.

But I digress.  My relapse happened sometime around the middle of June 2017.  Up until that point I'd been on what I'd thought was a decent road to recovery.  I'd begun a new position doing overnight security at a school for youth, was coaching as an assistant for the local high school baseball team, writing a blog post per week, attending to all Shawna and Caden's needs and appointments, knocking out home projects while hitting the gym consistently.  I was pretty happy with the way things were progressing.  And then I began to notice some issues.  In retrospect, while they seemed to come on all at once, that wasn't actually the case.  Even though the job was only two overnights per week, it fucked my sleep pattern for the other 5 as well.  On top of that, all the other endeavors I'd taken on now became hindrances to rest and my symptoms intensified quickly ; the biggest being anxiety, specifically the inability to calm down in a timely manner once it set in.  But while anxiety was probably the most noticeable, others such as lack of concentration, slurred speech, increases in emotions, and inability to process information productively also returned.  It was almost like being back at square one, minus the memory loss.  And because I was acutely aware of what was happening, it only served to increase my anxiety.  To know, or perhaps it was just to feel, as though you're not who you are, is a sickening, troublesome feeling that's hard to explain to those who've not  felt it personally.

Because of those who spoke out and sacrificed much, including their own lives,
more information, studies, and protocols are available to aid concussion avoidance
and rehabilitation.

Eventually, after meeting with my OT (Occupational Therapist), talking with the Misses, and doing some research, it was decided that I could no longer work that job.  Between the inherent stress that sometimes arises with such a position and working overnights, it was simply not an option. Anyone who's worked graveyard shifts knows that overnight positions can be extremely taxing on everything from the body and brain to relationships and life goals.  I finally had to admit that I don't have the ability to function and my brain apparently cannot handle the type of stress such positions cause and require.  I would have to formulate a new plan in regards to employment.  It was also during that time a quagmire began regarding a different team that I was an assistant coach of which only exacerbated the situation.  Instead of taking the break I desperately needed I elected to step up into a more pronounced position for the summer than I'd have preferred and unfortunately due to the length of time that was required to sort the situation out, I was over the top exhausted and had fallen nearly back to where I'd begun my PCS journey a year prior.  The addition of a new job would seal the deal and my high school coaching career would come to an end.  While PCS was certainly not the only reasoning behind my decision to resign my positions, it played an undeniable role.  My circumstances had changed and with it, my attitude and expectation were required to as well.

It's not always about stopping, sometimes we must simply choose a different road.

   

The Path

I came to the realization today that I've been off the path.  You may be asking yourself, what do I mean by that; being off the path?  Being off the path means that I've not been pursuing, never mind accomplishing, tasks that are in line with my long term goals.  Essentially I've been failing to chase my own dreams.  The realization has been on the tip of my tongue but while out for a run the other day it found a label.  Much like other life realizations, once I'd defined my feelings, it was though a weight lifted.  It's a feeling I've felt a few times in life, the last time just a week prior, but it still always feels a little strange.  I've been off the path.  And you know what, it's OK.

This is where often times self flagellation sets in for people, myself included.  And honestly, it has that place.  Kicking ones self in the ass from time to time is mandatory in order to improve in my estimation.  Frankly, if we can't criticize ourselves our ability to accept it from others will be limited.  Conversely, constantly beating ones self down doesn't work either.  There has to be a balance of when to criticize, when to congratulate, and when to simply accept and move on.  (This is a lesson parents and coaches 100% should strive to understand)  And that's where I'm at, understanding that I've been off the path, and accepting it.  It's not like I can go back and do the things I probably should have been doing.  No, the only move now is to acknowledge, understand, adjust, and look to learn from my failure(s).  There's a good likelihood that it'll happen again somewhere down the road but with experience comes the ability to not just avoid pitfalls that led me here to begin with, but to get back on the path in a more timely manner if/when it happens in the future. 

So how did I get off the path?  The easiest answer is life.  The more complicated answer is that I wasn't paying attention to enough of the things I should have and too much attention to things I shouldn't.  For example, given that rest and sleep are much more important now than they were pre-concussion, I know I should be fitting those into my days and nights.  They're musts if I want to chase dreams.  So the fact that I've been staying up to late fucking off with Netflix and internet is obviously a problem.  Yes, there are some extenuating circumstances here but facts are facts and prioritizing sleep and rest are musts.  Not working out has kept me far, far off the path as well.  Yes, I work at a manual labor type job but it doesn't remove the need to continue exercising, at least not in my mind.  Between life, health issues, misunderstood orders from PT, and my own mental blocks, I haven't put in any consistent work since well before the year turned.  Not acceptable.  Yes, I need to make adjustments for medical and time constraints but as I look back now, I've been fucking out of it in regards to training which is a pretty big issue given my long term goals.

Now comes the difficult part; getting back on.  You see, often times getting off the path means falling back into old habits.  And the more recently you've broken a habit, the more likely you are to fall back into it.  At least, that's how it's always been for me and without researching it, I'm willing to bet I'm not alone.  My initial thought would be to just stop what I'm doing and go back to exactly where I left off.  Problem is, doing so is the equilivant to jumping into a diet with both feet; I'll set myself up for failure by trying to do to much, to fast and then getting discouraged when things don't go 100% correctly.  So if I'm not jumping right back in, what am I planning to do?  Start simple and keep it simple, that's what. 

Keeping things simple can be hard as hell.  Yes, I meant that exactly as I wrote it.  It's as if psychologically we're tuned to believe that if something seems too easy, it can't be right.  And I'd guess 75% of that time that's an accurate feeling.  That, combined with the constant bombardment of the idea that, "anything worth doing is difficult", can be hard to overcome.  Sometimes, yes, things worth doing are difficult. But it's certainly not the truth in all cases.  Sometimes things worth doing are simple.  Brushing ones teeth isn't really that difficult but can prevent a host of health issues.  Taking a few minutes a day to meditate isn't that difficult but may help mind and body both.  Keeping a day planner isn't really that difficult but may save minutes and hours in the long run. Those are just three simple daily items that probably take less than ten minutes a day but can have a world of impact.  Where the difficulty can come arise is deciding where they fit.  And that's where I'm at with my simple changes currently, deciding where things fit.  I've been trying to make use of my daily planner more regularly, meditation is on my list of daily activities to do immediately upon arriving home from work, brushing my teeth was just an example but is also on the schedule now because planning is of great importance to me.  I've also re-instituted a morning ritual that I've found helps my day get off to a better start, am simplifying and shorting my workouts, have added running back in both because I need more cardio and I actually kind of enjoy it. And lets be honest there are not a lot of workouts that are simpler than running or walking and while they may get boring, with summer coming the woods will be open and I can try some new challenges.

I've been off the path, and whether your running, hiking, driving, or simply chasing dreams, getting back to where you're supposed to be is a process that requires first, admitting that you are where you are, i.e. lost.  Second, taking the time to understand where you are and accessing the situation.  And third, creating a plan to get you back on track.  That could be stepping back.  If you caught it early it may just be a quick adjustment or two.  Or, and I'm unsure how often it actually happens but it certainly can and does, once acknowledgement of location is made looking ahead may provide a point where current and intended paths merge.  I can't say what plan is right and until you're in the situation, neither can you.  At times, it may be a mixture of all three.  I've stepped back on some as I readjust, others I'm already continuing on with, a there are one or two that I've benefited from BECAUSE I fell off the path and will utilize going forward; which fits number three. 

Success is more obstacle course race than flat desert ride

In the short term, success and failures are easy to recognize but over months and years, those lines can blur.  What seemed like a failure may lead to a future success and at that point, you may ask yourself how to tell the difference.  Frankly, I don't have an answer.  What I do know is that I have dreams and those dreams have a current path of pursuit.  A path that I'll step off from time to time no doubt but a path I feel, at least today, I must try to at least keep in consistent view. 



I've been off the path, but yesterday I made progress.  And today I did too.  Tomorrow I will be a step closer.  Are you on the path to your pursuits?