TBI Journey

 If nothing else, TBI is certainly a journey. Many use the comparison of a roller coaster because of how many ups and downs are inherent but I don't think that's quite accurate. With a roller coaster the ups and downs are quick and intense. While that can apply, TBI and it's associated recovery is not quick. Intense at times, yes. But rarely quick. For most the only thing quick was whatever lead to the injury itself. Whether sports injury, accident, stroke, burst aneurysm; we're never prepared for when it comes and then, it's just part of our life. 

Just. Like. That.

So what would I compare TBI to if not a roller coaster? Parenting comes to mind. It also has moments of intensity. Sometimes that intensity is good, sometimes not so much. It has many ebbs and flows and like TBI recovery, is for life. There is no real end until the real end comes. It's a constant learning and applying process with changes and education often coming after mistakes have already been made. Books, studies, and opinions are often read and applied in a variety of ways and every so often the shit will hit the fan. Yes, parenting and TBI have much in common.

Learning, adapting, emotional breakdowns, wondering how to correct and fix, these are daily feelings of each. They also escalate at times depending on the day and situation. There is also no area in life that isn't impacted by each. Work, rest, financial habits, down time, nutrition habits, all affected. 

But there's also the good. Yes, there can be and often is good, that comes with receiving a traumatic brain injury as weird as that may sound. 

Many people report becoming more connected to life. They understand it's value much more and tend to take it less for granted. 

An increase in empathy is often mentioned as well. Not just for other's who had a similar injury, but for anyone who's had trials and tribulations. Being injured, especially if it's invisible gives some insight into the behaviors of others we may not have paid attention to, or experienced, prior. 

The ability and desire to help others. Many in the TBI community use their experiences and the researched they'd done to aid their own recovery with others. And that pushes research and knowledge of the subject further. The reality is TBI is likely to always be a problem because we now understand just how sensitive our brains are to outside influences and with knowledge of how our brains work still in it's infancy, the more data and the more experiences available for study, the better not just for individuals but for humanity as a whole going forward. 

Whether it's parenting, TBI, or frankly, life, the journey is where our focus is best served. There will be struggle day to day, week to week, even year to year at times but by focusing on the journey, by journaling our experiences, by trying and failing, we can continue to grow and improve. 

Just like we teach out children to do.  

 

Advancements

One of the marvels of life is the knowledge that you don't know what you don't know, until you know.

And you won't realize that truth until you're old enough to not just experience life, but to make mistakes.

If you read last weeks post, you know, that I truly didn't know how off my brain has been.  Not just since COVID, but for the past few years.  While COVID and its subsequent response has been an incredible strain and has had considerable negative impacts and consequences for many, for me, it's created a time to heal unlike any I've known since my injury in 2016.  Sure, I've taken some down time prior but because I didn't know what I know now, the results were not nearly what they've been the past 8 weeks.

So what happened recently that opened my eyes?  I simply had a moment of realization regarding how much clearer my thoughts have become.  How I've been able to process normally for longer duration's.  How my attitude is beginning to change a bit and I don't feel as anxious, fatigued, and overwhelmed, even though I still have much going on in life.  As a matter of fact, I probably have more going on now than I did a couple months ago.  More projects for sure, more opportunities, more requirements and yet, I don't feel the same neurological fatigue that have plagued me the past few years.

Whenever such substantial changes happen, it also begs the question, what adjustments occurred that allowed for improvement? 

After taking time to investigate my own habits, these are the changes and adjustments I believe have directly impacted my health positively. Truthfully, TBI or not, most if not all, would see benefit from reviewing their own habits and adjusting accordingly.

Sleep Routine
Last night aside, most nights I've been sleeping quite well.  I believe this is in large part due to creating a sleep routine.  While I still have some work to do to attain the consistency I desire, most night's I adhere to a routine that now includes some light stretching, washing my face and hands with warm water, and limiting my screen usage an hour before crawling into bed at around the same time and waking at approximately the same time the following morning.  This has held even through the quarantine period, though admittedly I've had a few nights where my bed time was later and thus I arose later.  For more on building sleep routines, check out Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, PHD
Which brings to number two; 

Sleep
Admittedly, it's a serious focus for me.  As mentioned above, I'd like to be on a perfect fall asleep and wake up schedule but do stray from time to time.  I also seek that 8-ish hours a night as we've learned through experience that my days of 4-5 of sleep are behind me if I want to live a productive life. Sometimes it's 7.5 and at times it's over 9 but I do what I can not to be less 7.  Lack of sleep for me has come to be a known issue with drastic effects on my personality, focus, concentration, and general function-ability so saying it's a priority is putting it mildly.  And because it's a priority I also add in a little extra during the day when needed .

Naps
This one varies. Some day's it's a necessity (like today likely after a bad nights sleep) and some days I can skip it. Sometimes they're an hour plus and others 15-20 minutes.  So long as I hit the sweet spot and don't wake up during a heavy sleep cycle leaving me groggy for hours, naps have been a wonderful addition.

Hydration
There is a noticeable difference in my cognitive abilities when I'm hydrated vs dehydrated.  And it makes sense because our brain is 80% water.  Yet, like my previous self, many people walk around chronically dehydrated.  It's one of the easiest health changes we can make while it's also being one of the easiest to overlook.  For myself, I aim for at least 1/2 my body weight in OZ of water per day.  And I find hitting that target makes a difference in how I feel not just that day, but the next as well.  

Diet

Check out www.GirlCarnivore.com for more recipes like this.

I DO NOT mean that I'm on a special diet like Atkins or Weight Watchers, ect.  In this case I use the term diet as reference to the foods I eat. I've moved to a more protein and fat focused diet while limiting my carbs.  I'm not KETO, I've simply found I feel better eating more protein so that's my focus.  I've also drastically cut to near zero consumption of foods that create known issues for me, like dairy.  This is not to say my diet is always perfect because if it was I'd lose weight faster but it's better now, getting better weekly, and I notice a significant difference in my brain health, which makes sense honestly.  If my brain has to fight issues in my body created by my diet, it becomes more fatigued.  The more fatigued, the worse I feel.  It only makes sense to create habits around my food choices that will allow for the most success.

Driving
This is a huge one for me personally.  Even before COVID overtook the world, I was leaving my former gym.  Not because I didn't enjoy working there or the people, I absolutely loved and still love, both.  But the driving was creating issues.  Some that were very apparent, some that have become more so since I've not had to do it as much.  But the driving was definitely causing symptom increases.  It was 47 miles each way, which equaled about two hours of total drive time and it's very clear that's not good for me.  Perhaps someday with continued adjustments the issues with driving will no longer be present, but as this is the second job I've been required to exit that involved considerable driving, I cannot ignore the connection any longer.  During this down time, my driving has been limited and the times I am behind the wheel are much more reasonable and don't seem to cause problems.  There have been a couple of longer drives thrown in during and while they do create fatigue by the end of the day, so long as I take the time I need after to recover, the longer term repercussions have been nil.  

Routine
This is a work in progress but the benefits are undeniable. So far I've created both morning and evening routines and am working to schedule more and make use of apps on my phone.  I've found having a white board and writing out daily tasks makes a tremendous difference as does crossing off those tasks when they're done.  Knowing when and were certain tasks will be done helps not only accomplish those specific ones, but I'm finding I don't get as stressed when life happens unexpectedly because my brain isn't overwhelmed.  

Writing
This goes along with routine.  Sometimes it's writing to write.  Sometimes, like this, it's to blog.  It may be for a social media post or it might just be a brain dump.  Whatever the method and reason, getting it out means it's not bouncing around in my brain, mixing with other thoughts, creating anxiety that I'll forget or creating stress because it's one more task or detail.  Removing it from my thought processes means I can have the option to put all my focus on it at that time, or know it's available for me to come back to later when I can focus.  Either way, it's handled in that moment.

Lists

Today's list plus bigger tasks I'm pursuing 

Damn I create a lot of lists now.  A lot.  Some for different challenges I'm working on.  My routines are written.  I've created to-do lists and broken them down for time sensitive purposes.  Lists are helping, though I do need to be careful at times that I don't spend some much time making lists I don't actually do that work.  Feel free to laugh but it's a thing for sure.  

Do Now
This is a big one.  Many times, even if I had time to do a quick task, I'd stack it with others.  Tell me if this sounds familiar:

A 5 minute or less tasks needs to be done.  But because it's 5 minutes, it can wait until later.  And it doesn't create much stress because it's just a 5 minute task.  However, by the end of the week you have 10 of them.  So now instead of a 5 minute task, you have 50 minutes worth of additional tasks.  Not only that, now you have to remember the details of all 10 tasks.  This will require time.  Plus, a few have special requirements so you spend time searching for the instructions but can't locate what you need.  Now those quick 5 minute tasks have taken twice the time, raised your stress and frustration, and create unnecessary problems.  

I've eliminated a lot of that by simply trying to knock most of them out when they arise.  And the impact of such a seemingly small change is incredibly noticeable.  

The big takeaway here is the increased importance I've found in organization and understanding of limitations.  Both of those once seemed like dirty words to me but I've made incredible strides in recognizing their utility.  A little organization can save a lot of time so long as I don't focus so much on the process I'm unable to do the actual work.  Finding my limitations allows me to develop workable solutions instead of consistently trying to push through unsuccessfully.

As such, all roads lead to fewer health issue and thus, increased productivity and life enjoyment.

Seems like a reasonable trade-off to me.    

Light

I made an incredible realization yesterday; for the first time since my injury, I'm actually feeling like my pre-2106 self in many ways.  Honestly, it's amazing and makes me incredibly happy, though I'm also admittedly apprehensive.  The best way to explain it is that it's like my favorite team just took the lead in the championship game but there's still time enough for the opposing team to make a winning play.  Happy to be ahead but still aware that the game is far from over.

Though there's anxiety that comes with such a scenario, when you feel like you've been playing from behind for a considerable amount of time, it's still a good place to be honestly. And while I cannot get the time back that's been lost, it's not to say that there's been no value in this journey because there absolutely is, has been, and will continue to be so.

Part of this process taking so long has been experimentation.  Part has admittedly been my fault for trying to continually behave as though nothing happened.  Part has been out of my control.  Add each and you have the past four years of my life and thus, the life of my family as well.  In that time I've gone through three jobs, three what I'll call relapses for lack of a better term, countless medical appointments, hours of research, numerous days when I didn't feel like myself and couldn't think straight and a couple accidents related to my health issues.  Many memories have been lost and information learned but not retained.  Increased anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms like trouble speaking and and even walking at times.

But I've also had the opportunity to meet some great people, speak at the Maine Brain Injury Conference, find avenues for helping others, and otherwise get involved with the brain injury community at large, albeit in small ways currently.

It's been a roller coaster for sure.  And one that's certainly affected my family.  During the time I've attempted sometimes successfully, many times not so much, to continue being my old self.  I've been Shawna's caregiver, Caden's coach, tried to answer the call when someone needs help.  To be a husband and father and a son and friend.  Normal life activities while attempting to heal but ones that have been a mixed bag of some success and many failures. 

I've also worked to maintain the pursuit of dreams and goals.  To learn and adapt.  To continue pursuing forward, many times as though nothing has changed.  Separate none of these are generally a problem.  Combined, combined is where I've run into trouble.

I have a post mostly written that builds off today that I'll be dropping next week detailing many of the changes I've made but those changes really come down to having the ability to incorporate them into life due to the COVID shutdown of the past 8 weeks.  Because it was mandatory to be home, I've used that time to work on rest, sleep, and probably just as important, develop and implement routines.  Routines I needed but didn't want to admit too (notice a theme there..)  Not all work and even those that do often need adjustments, but they've certainly had a positive impact.

As I said, I'll be getting more into detail regarding those topics next weeks.  For today, it's simply nice to take a deep breath (yes I know, interesting phrase to use during this time in history).  I feel lighter.  I'm studying fairly difficult subjects with some success.  I'm busy consistently but not getting completely worn down to the point of losing myself. I have more medical appointments but feel as though I'm going into them with much more data now that can be used in combination with the Dr's to create proper treatment plans.  (I think a discussion on being involved with ones' own care might be in order come to think of it).

But best yet, I feel able to be involved with my family again.  I'm not constantly aggravated or flustered by noise and questions that require me to think when mentally exhausted.  I'm not feeling consistent neural fatigue and fear that my brain will shut down all the time.  I'm able to spend more time with Caden and incorporate some of the experiences and teaching of lessons I'd had planned over the years.  For now, instead of my brain being the limiting factor, it's time.  And time, or at least how we choose to use, can generally be manipulated to fit our wants and needs unlike a misfiring brain. 

It feels like there is light not just at the end of the tunnel, but in the tunnel itself.

I can work with that. 

Multi-Tasking...Is Bull $h!t.

With the arrival of the new year, discussion has been ongoing regarding resolutions/goals ext for the coming 12 months.  While I'm not going to deep dive the ins and outs of goal setting today, it did get me thinking about a subject that is often included with the discussion; multi-tasking.

Most of us understand that the basic concept of multi-tasking is the ability to work on more than one task at a time.  Most of us also try and do it a little too consistently.  We're of the belief that we need to get better at it and that there are people out there who can handle 100 different projects simultaneously time with peak efficiency.

I'd argue that all those things we think we know, are incorrect.  

My ability to multi-task is admittedly, shit.  It wasn't great before my TBI and it's even worse now.  But like others, I fought it because I've always felt that I'm SUPPOSED to be good at balancing multiple projects if I want to be a high achiever.  Because that's what all the successful people and articles seemed to say.  Frustratingly, many of those people, the ones we follow on social media and seek to learn from, are constantly involved in projects and completing various achievements, thus heightening this false belief. 

So where am I going with this?

I'm going to break down some differences that 'seemingly' allow others to accomplish more with the same amount of time.  Notice I said seemingly?  That word will matter.  Keep reading.

To begin, it must be recognized that we're all individuals with vastly different lives.  Our backgrounds, interests, financial situations, ect, will play into the tasks we're able to complete.  

Examples:  A person with children is going to have vastly different priorities than a person without.  A financially stable person is going to have vastly different opportunities than a person just getting started.  A person who's been in a specific industry for years is going to have vastly different knowledge to pull from than a person who's been in it for 6 months.

In all these examples, the time needed to complete tasks will vary for different reasons and that certainly plays a roll.

As I've looked into my own inabilities to be as proficient with multi-tasking I made some revelations regarding my own behaviors and how they compare to those I work to learn from and the discoveries were shockingly...simple.

Like weight loss and exercise, which I use here because they're my field, there are no "Magic" solutions or special hacks.  The differences in my own behaviors and thosfe who're seemingly (there's that word again) successful, are simple.  

1.)  They handle distraction better: Even while writing this, I've bounced around reading messages and even dropping a social media post.  Admittedly some of that is because I also have a goal this year of being better of doing things when I think about them instead of adding it to a "To-do" list. However, because a distraction is a distraction, it's taking me longer to write this than it may otherwise.

2.) They Prioritize Effectively:  I say effectively because most of us prioritize in one way or another but we don't always do it in a the best manner.  I'm as guilty as anyone of prioritizing tasks I prefer over those I don't even though those I don't are the ones I SHOULD be doing.  The more successful people acknowledge this, adjust when necessary, and are good at being comfortable with discomfort. 

3.)  They're Organized:  This is huge and something I've been working diligently on the past 6 months.  For me, being organized has become as much a physical as mental requirement because it literally affects my brain health.  With a TBI the more work is required of the brain, the more fatigued it gets, and the less ability to function optimally it has.  In disorganized situations, whether it be clutter in the house or a disorganized work project, the brain has to input additional information, sort it, and process.  That's extra work that will limit abilities on the back end.  And while my TBI impacts it more than it may for someone who hasn't had a brain injury, it's still requires additional brain power that could be used elsewhere.  Organization is good for everyone and success predicates that we have some ability to initiate it.   

4.)  They Plan:  This works well in conjunction with numbers 1 and 2.  Planning is incredibly important to efficiency and is vital to the idea of multi-tasking.  First, it's an incredible time saver.  Shawna and I have both taken up nightly and morning routines that we're finding to be amazingly beneficial.  Simple tasks such as setting out the next days clothing and having all our gear packed at night, meal prepping (contrary to popular belief it's a great time saver).  These are just simple examples but whether in person life or business, having good plans makes a huge difference when creating efficient systems.

5.)  They Set Boundaries:  This is a BIG one.  How often do we allow outside influences to impact us?  I'm not referring to unpredictable scenarios that require changing course like illness or emergency situations.  I'm talking about situations where the only reason we don't say no is because of fear.  Fear of making someone angry or upset.  Fear of being judged harshly.  Fear or being ostracized or outcast because our priorities don't match what others think they should be.  Successful people are better at setting their boundaries and understanding that the short term discomfort will be worth it.

6.)  They Understand the Importance of Discomfort:  This is a big one.  As I mentioned above,

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being comfortable with discomfort is huge.  Successful people have willingness, understanding, and ability to make themselves uncomfortable because they understand discomfort breeds growth, adaptation, and experience that cannot be gained any other way.

7.)  They're Willing to Delegate:  This is huge.  I SUCK at this.  SUCK.  Mostly because it seems as though when I attempt to delegate the task either doesn't get done or it's not to standard.  But, and this is a huge BUT, some of that is one me for not taking the time to explain and set proper expectations.  Successful people delegate because they understand the value not just in having more eyes and ears, but having proficient people around them.  A side benefit is that not only can you delegate to those people, eventually they'll get so good you won't have to because the tasks will simply be done.

8.)  They Understand their Strengths and Weaknesses:  This could probably be a 7a but it also isn't simply about delegating because at times we may have to accomplish tasks that aren't a strength but need to be done.  However, by knowing what our strengths and weaknesses are we can better work with and around them, allowing for more efficiency.

9.)  They're Good with Time Management:  This plays into many of the above successful people are good with their time.  Because they plan, organize, and prioritize, they're able to use their time efficiently.

10.)  They See the Big Picture:  This one is important.  First, it ties the first 9 points together.  When you see the big picture you understand why each is important and over time will develop the foresight to understand how each plays into specific and non-specific tasks.
     Second, the ability to see the big picture is a big part of why it seems some people able to multi-task better than other.  By seeing the big picture, they can plan the tasks and moves in a way that not just part of a single project is being accomplished, but multiple.  Let's use and example here.
   
     A mom of two school age children has five tasks to accomplish this afternoon.  She has to pick her children up from school, read a chapter in science book in the class she's taking for her graduate degree, make a call to the bank to correct an error, make dinner, and spend quality time with her children. 
     All three are time consuming and done separately, potentially overwhelming.  How does she multi-task 5 things that ALL require attention:
     First, on the way to pick her children up she uses an audio version of her science book to get a jump start on the chapter.
     When she arrives at the school, 10 minutes earlier than normal, she parks the car and calls the back to rectify the error.  It only takes 5 minutes and she plays her book for another 5.
     Children picked up, she speaks with them on the ride home about their day and they lay out a play for any potential homework help that evening.
     While making dinner she goes back to the audio version of her science book.  While she gets interrupted repeatedly by the children, she's able to get about 25 more minutes of the chapter accomplished.  
     Post dinner, she works with the children to teach them how to clean up the kitchen before helping them with homework and then picks a science related game to play with them because it's beneficial for all plus she's able to get some great family time.
     As the children are put down for sleep, she returns to her science class, reviews the material from the chapter in her book, and then relaxes her self before settling into bed to restart tomorrow.

We ALL Know That Feeling

This is of course a fictional account but as you can see, while it may appear from the outside that she's great at multitasking, what she was really good at are the 10 steps mentioned above.  Will it always be that clean?  Nope.  But by using the time we have available as efficiently as possible, the ability to accomplish is raised significantly.  How often in example used would be listen to the radio to pick up the kids, make dinner with the TV on, spent time in from of the computer or phone, and then feel rushed and unaccomplished at the end of the day, feeling like we have no time when the reality is we just didn't use it appropriately?

I know from personal experience I've done it A LOT and I'm not alone.

But I'm learning.  I'm evaluating.  And I'm evolving.  Because if she can do it, and they can do it, so can I.

And so can you.

   

I Keep Meaning Too...

How many times do you say that to yourself in one form or another?  "I keep meaning to.."  or "I mean to do...".  Sometimes it's because life gets in the way.  Sometimes it's because you keep making excuses or finding ways to avoid that which you know you should do.  I know it happens to me often.  I have a list of shit I want to explore and complete, which I often don't.  Generally for the reasons listed above. 

There are times when life circumstances will come into play.  Like issues with my TBI.  One of the side effects is that I have an EXTREMELY difficult time with disorganization and uncleanliness in my environment.  It's not quite obsessive compulsive level, but it can be so distracting at times that I put off other tasks because until something is done about said situation, my brain won't allow me to focus.  

This is not our actual fridge.  Though it looked close that day

It happened yesterday in fact.  What started with planning to do dishes turned into cleaning and organizing the cabinets, deep cleaning the fridge, and then yes, also washing the dishes.  A 30 minute chore (I'm extremely slow at doing dishes obviously) turned into four hours.  It was certainly satisfying when completed but I also ended up putting off planned tasks because I'd gotten distracted.  

And while TBI could be partially to blame for yesterday, it's not for today, when I'm again putting off  chores in order to sit and write this.  

However, today comes with a caveat; this post is a step toward fixing a "I keep meaning too" situation I've found myself in.  

Together with other projects, I've been meaning to write more.  To explore and discuss TBI and fitness, and training, and all the things in between that make up large parts of my life.  To work on editing the novel I wrote a few years ago and to begin the new one that's been on my mind.  To set to work on researching, creating, and implementing business plans for future endeavors.  To sit down and focus on my studies as I strive to learn and pass along the latest techniques in training and nutrition.  To grow myself, my business, and my family into what my brain envisions.

It has to begin somewhere and today it begins by simply making a choice that writing this a priority.  And what's truly ironic is that thus far, I'm only 10 minutes in.  All the excuses I come up with NOT to pursue passions and yet, often when I sit down and just do it, I realize I'm potentially passing on years of living that envisioned life because I can't be bothered to sit down for 30 minutes and do what I tell others I enjoy.  

How fucking crazy is that?

There will always be reasons to keep a full, "I keep meaning too" box.  Tasks that will keep you busy enough to justify not pursuing your goals will always present themselves when we want them too.  But there are better reasons to work on keeping that box minimal.  Your dreams and aspirations.  The dreams and aspirations of your friends and family.  The desire to find out who and what you really are.  The ending of wondering "what if".  

Tasks will always be apart but what's in your "I keep meaning too" box often has an expiration date.

Don't let your own reluctance, excuses, and fears keep you from completing them.  

    

Morning Anger: Seeking the Route Cause

This morning a situation presented in our house that caused anger.  And like a virus, my anger quickly distributed itself among the rest of the family.  Thankfully my wife is just as big a hard headed pain in the ass as I can can be, which played a large part in it's eventual resolution, but between the time my anger spiked and that resolution I was able to arrive at a place where investigating the true source of my emotions became possible.  And that's important, because like many physical injuries, it's often not what's presented that's the actual cause, but simply a symptom of an underlying issue.

I'm not going to get into what the situation was today because it's not pertinent, but my subsequent reaction is because it's a situation that happens to all of us.  How often has a situation or scenario caused a surprise emotional response and you're left dumbfounded as to why that, of all things, caused such a reaction?  I'm willing to bet more than you even remember.  In the after, did you investigate the why?  And if you found the why, did you address it?  Did you communicate it with the person or persons who upset you?  Did you stand in the mirror and search for you own role in the situation?

Because nothing is easy about it.  From confronting your own feelings to communicating them to others, the whole things sucks.  And it needs to.  It needs to be uncomfortable.  Because the comfort we seek is often the reason that we feel so shitty.  The avoidance of conflict, even with those we love, seems more comfortable than the 5 minutes of discomfort we'll feel having a difficult conversation.  But what we don't know, forget, or choose to ignore, is the comfort that's on the backside of this discomfort.  As a coach/personal trainer, I see this play out all the time from a physical standpoint.  People don't want to come to the gym but they force themselves to and by the time they're done, they're happy they showed up.  It's the same thing when confronting our emotional well being.  We must show up, even when we don't want to, and put in the work.

Quite frankly, I've been a bit of a mess lately.  I've been pushing extremely hard to get many tasks accomplished before the snow arrives plus continuing with my half-marathon training.  Throw in the upcoming holidays, life events, and day to day tasks and my TBI affected brain is screaming for relief.  And while I've been working to give it sleep, hydration, and better nutrition, I've been ignoring many of its requests for respite.  And that's largely what led into today.  My brain has been giving me signs that I need to communicate my needs better but instead of listening I've simply ignored and continue to pushed foreword.

To my own detriment and to the detriment of solidly being able to communicate with my loved ones.

But while my injury may get some of the credit, it doesn't get all of it.  Because I'm not the only person who does this.  And similar situations would arise before my accident so clearly this is something I've needed to work on for sometime.  As I get older, more experienced, and gain more understanding and insight I hope my ability to confront such things before they get to a point like they did this morning will improve, but that won't happen unless I demand it of myself.  Unless I get more comfortable being uncomfortable.  Unless I continue to work on taking my own advice and the advice of those around me.

Because that's how this this works.  In order to find the causes of our anger and other discontentment, we must both seek the toughest truths and then confront them.  And we must remember that we're generally not alone unless we choose to be.  For me, that's difficult.  I do a lot of things alone.  From working to learning to attempting to diagnose difficult issues within my life, I've spent years approaching such situations myself.  Sure I'll take some input here and there but I've spent more time seeking to solve problems than was necessary if I'm being honest, because asking for assistance was something I didn't even wish to entertain.

There is more information than ever before available on the internet when we choose to seek it instead of looking as ass pics on Instagram and video game feeds on Twitch.  There are people like me writing about life situations and there are those with much higher education publishing information at unimaginable rates that can help us be better.  Be physically more healthy.  Be better in our careers and with our families. To be better emotionally and spiritually.  But reading and watching such things often isn't as fun or comfortable as watching the ball game or scrolling our feeds, so we don't.  And that's unfortunate.

Because we can find the causes.  And we can be better.

For our communities.  For our families.



And for ourselves. 

There's Always Shit To Do

It's amazing how fast time moves the older you get.  As I signed in to Blogger today I realized I hadn't created a shareable post since February and I hadn't even sat down to begin one since May.  I've been feeling the itch to write and be creative in other ways and seeing those two dates helped me realize it's because I've been storing and pushing down the many ideas. When you're a creative person, not having those mental releases will actually begin to turn into stress.  Stress is not something I need a whole lot more of currently so today I'm making writing at least 1 full post a priority.  And that's hard for me admittedly.  Because I have shit to do.  Important shit as a matter of fact.  Shit like getting ready for winter by completing the wrap on the woodshed and splitting and stacking the remaining wood I have to fill it.  Like house projects that are partially completed and new ones I'd like to begin.  Like studying and learning, and organizing.

But what I'm finally learning after 36 years is that there's always shit to do.  There's always something that should take priority.  And sometimes, those things really should take priority.  But other times, tasks like writing this today, must take precedence because it's important as well.  Important not just to me as a creative, but important to me as an aspiring business owner who desires to grow organic reach through the creation of quality and informative content.  You see, priority doesn't necessarily mean done for tomorrow, it can be tasks that matter for next week, next month, next year. 

So today's priority is writing.  And after that it'll be organizing some thoughts.  And perhaps even some more writing.  But for this day I'm not placing time constraints on myself.  Because frankly I can't.  It's been a rough week in the Barnes household because my TBI symptoms have been flaring and I've continued pushing, much to Shawna's chagrin.  But I also don't want to sit and do nothing because as mentioned, I have tasks to accomplish.  Many of them in-fact.  Some, like the woodshed and firewood, preferably before snow flies.  But it also doesn't do me any good to continually antagonize my brain to the point it forces me to shut down completely.

Another tidbit I've learned and am working to truly understand, is the principle that there's never truly a good time for many of the wants instead of the needs.  And this extends to everything from hitting a workout to having children.  However, that begs that question of how we properly classify a want vs a need.  In the example about, is going to the gym a want or need?  That may depend.  While I'd contend everyone, including those with otherwise physical jobs, should workout a couple days per week, another may classify that differently.  If you're a construction worker or a member of the park service crew who hikes into remote locations to fix trails, going to the gym may classify as a want.  If a person works in a cubicle 50 hours per week and spends another 5 traveling back and forth, I'd argue workouts are a physical need.  The same today goes for my writing.  I could classify doing this as a want.  However, as mentioned above, content creation is important not just for my mental health, but for future business endeavors as well.  That, in my book, classifies as a need.

Once you've established whether something is a want or need, it's time to understand where it lies on your hierarchy.  For me currently, firewood and it's surrounding tasks are near the top.  But today, and perhaps only for today, writing is at the top.  Because the stronger I am mentally the safer and more efficient I'll be with those tasks.  Would I always have taken this approach?  No.  Frankly, I've often had a fucked up take on what I thought were needs but again, as I've gotten older I've learned a few things.

And with those words, I'm done with this task.  And it feels great to be sitting here, having written for the first time in months, a screen full of words that began as unorganized thoughts.  And all because I made doing so a priority, even though I had other shit to do.